


a Walk in the Park

by sally_gray



Series: Norenmin hehe [3]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: (self harm), :'), Age Regression/De-Aging, Angst, Burning, Crying, Depression, Fluff, Healthy Coping Mechanisms, Hurt/Comfort, I just write what my heart tells me to :), I promise uwu, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Non-Linear Narrative, Not Beta Read, Praise, Sad Na Jaemin, Sad readers, Sad with a Happy Ending, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Swearing, To Be Edited, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Vomiting, a lot less soft than intended, eating is becoming a big part of the story, honestly tho not to drag myself but who let me post this :(, in like every other chapter, jaemin is best boy, jaemin is sensitive boy, like to make himself throw up stuff he ate, more angst to come ;), oh yea and, ok I think I can comfortably add, theres always another chapter boys, to, unhealthy eating habits, uwu, we'll get fluff eventually maybe, who is sad, why is that a tag, written by an uneducated fool
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-14
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:08:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 68
Words: 56,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26435458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sally_gray/pseuds/sally_gray
Summary: Jaemins depressed, but he's learning he's more than just that. AKA the never ending fic hahaWe got some angst, we got some fluff, we got some completely unnecessary backstories, and most importantly, norenmin! (But fictional versions of them, yea?)PLEASE READ THE TAGS and skip this if anything's triggering.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Series: Norenmin hehe [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1917325
Comments: 217
Kudos: 127





	1. pills, alien, unconditional, care

**Author's Note:**

> TW: there's suicide attempty stuff, selfharm, and jaemin has problems with food. PLEASE CLICK OUT IF TRIGGERING.

Jaemin could fly. Either he could fly, or the ground was crumbling under him, because Jaemin was falling. He was free-falling, and there didn’t seem to be anyone waiting there to catch him.

Jaemin was in need of a savior.

Jaemin knelt in front of the closet, opening it, and grabbing his left winter boot. It was his little hiding place. He stuck his hand down the boot and pulled out a velvet jewelry box. On bad days, the tiny box was the only thing that kept him sane.

What was held in there was far more precious than jewels. He dumped out the contents and stared. At all 74 pills. And he breathed for the first time that day. They were a comfort item, whispering to him assurances and _hope_ , that the pain might end soon, if only he chose to take them.

Jaemin liked to count them, lining them up in rows. It was calming, to have control in the literal palm of his hand. Life and death. Pain and relief. Jaemin wondered what it would be like to finally rest forever.

“Jaemin, angel bear; let’s put those away, ok?” Jeno. When did he get here?

Jeno squatted in front of him, all cautious eyes as he carefully scooped up the pills, handing them off to…was that Renjun too? Jeno touched his cheek, gently directing his face away from Renjun’s hands. “What can we do?” he asked. “Is there anything we can do?”

Jaemin shrugged, using up too much effort with the simple action.

Jeno sat down on the rug with him. “Nana, we’re here. We’re not gonna leave. You’’ll be ok.”

Jaemin didn’t answer, eyes following Renjun’s cupped hands. “What’s he gonna do with them?” he whispered to Jeno. “He’s not gonna get rid of them, right?”

Jeno grimaced. “What else are we supposed to do?”

Jaemin’s eyes widened. “Please, no, no, no, I won’t take them, I promise. Can you please give them back? Please. I won’t survive without them.”

They looked at him with such _pity_ in their eyes then. Jaemin couldn’t stand it. He broke eye contact.

“Nana, explain please,” Renjun said.

“I’m not crazy.”

“I know. I know. I’m asking to try and understand. I’m trying to respect your wishes, you know? But jesus, Jaemin. Pills? What’re we supposed to think?” Renjun asked weakly.

Jaemin swallowed. “I don’t take them. They help me. Um…they’re like insurance. If everything goes wrong, they’re there for me. …You don’t believe me.”

Jeno picked up one of Jaemin’s hands to hold. “We _wanna_ believe you, Jaemin. We do. But it’s…it’s hard to tell if you’re lying.”

“Please,” Jaemin said. “I-I just look at them. I’m not crazy. I’m not.”

“Do they help?” Renjun asked.

“They do. So much.”

Renjun looked up at the ceiling, closing his eyes.

“…We’re trusting you with this, ok?”

Jaemin whined in relief.

“Don’t make me regret this, please.”

“Ok.”

They packed back the pills together and hid the box back away from the world.

“Is there anything we can do? Anything,” Jeno said.

“Just…stay?” Jaemin asked, tired.

“Ok. Ok.”

They stayed, sitting on the hallway floor in silence. Sitting miserably, together. It was easier, together.

“Do you promise not to take them?” Jeno asked, looking up at him with teary eyes. Jaemin hesitated, and Jeno’s face crumpled. “Nana, promise.”

“I-ok. I promise.”

Renjun took Jaemin’s other hand into his. “For real?” He asked, eyes piercing.

Jaemin slowly nodded.

“I promise.”

“Ok.”

Some days, Jaemin was treated fairly like an actual fucking human being.

Some days, he wasn’t.

-

“Don’t touch me!”

“Jaemin, stop embarrassing me you little shit. _Start. Walking._ ”

“Why won’t you let me die?!” Jaemin screamed.

“Shut _up._ I’m not letting you jump off a bridge. Are you crazy? Momma will make everything okay, just _come,_ ” she said. There was a self-righteous shine in her eyes that _screamed_ ‘you’re crazy, you’re crazy, you’re crazy’. And Jaemin hated her. So much.

“You’re not locking me up in that fucking hospital,” Jaemin spat.

His mother’s grip tightened on him. “Well obviously I’m not enough for you! I hope you enjoy your vacation away from me, ungrateful rat.”

It wasn’t embarrassing, being dragged down the street by his mother.

Some days, he was too tired to care.

Some days, he wasn’t.

-

He was getting discharged today. Jaemin choked on his own spit when he saw them waiting outside his mom’s car; Jeno practially vibrating out of his skin next to Renjun. When he noticed Jaemin, his whole face lit up. “Hi! Oh gosh, you’re out! Injun, he’s out!” Jeno ran to Jaemin, almost knocking them both over with the force of his hug. Jaemin slowly lifted his arms to hug back.

“Nana, I missed you so much,” Jeno said, squeezing Jaemin tightly. “They didn’t even let us call you.”

“Yea. It was stupid,” Renjun grumbled. He snuck his way into the hug and peered up at Jaemin. “I missed you, snowflake.”

“I, um. I missed you guys too,” Jaemin said, stumbling a bit before resetting the smile in his voice.

Renjun looked at him gently. “Nana. It’s ok. Remember?”

Jaemin deflated. “I _did_ miss you guys.”

“I know,” Renjun said, putting their foreheads together. “You don’t have to hide is all I meant.”

Jaemin whined. “Why’d you have to come and pick me up from the loony bin though? This is so _embarrassing._ ”

Jeno frowned. “We love all of your parts. Even the unstable ones. Unconditionally.” He spoke with only sincerity.

Jaemin’s eyes watered. “Well, I love you too.”

Jeno patted his back twice before pulling away. “Let’s go home, yea?”

“Yea. Ok.”

-

Jaemin rolled onto his back and sat up. He blinked the sleep out of his eyes, and oh. Some days, Jaemin wanted to die.

The emptiness was his today. Like a fog over his lake of emotions, it clouded over anything nice or even not-so-nice. All emotions and feelings just gone. They had to be there somewhere though, right? Somewhere behind the clouds.

Sighing, Jaemin settled himself back down and cuddled into Renjun’s back, wrapping Jeno’s arms around himself again.

Jeno let out a sleepy laugh from behind him. “Back to cuddles?”

“Back to cuddles,” Jaemin said.

“Mm.” Jeno tugged him a little closer. “Love you.”

Jaemin blinked, hard. “Love you. …Jeno?”

Jeno hummed.

“Jeno… it’s a foggy day.”

“How foggy?” he asked, softly tucking a hand under Jaemin’s shirt. He rubbed his tummy comfortingly, encouraging Jaemin to talk.

Jaemin bit his lip. “Forecast says it’s not bad, but…forecast tends to lie.”

“Should I listen to the forecast then?”

“…not today,” he said quietly.

“Shall we take care of the weatherman today?”

Jaemin curled into himself, embarrassed. “Only if you want to brave the weather.”

Jeno hugged Jaemin a little tighter. “Of course I do. I don’t mind a little rain.”

“…what if it’s a big storm?”

“Then it’s a big storm,” Jeno said. “And the weatherman will need to be properly protected. We’ll protect you, my brave, brave weatherman.”

“I swear your weather metaphors are the cutest thing I’ve heard in my entire life,” Renjun’s scratchy voice said from underneath a pillow. He shifted around to face them, throwing a leg over Jaemin’s hip.

Jeno smiled softly. “Morning, honeybee. Today’s gonna be foggy.”

Renjun took the pillow off his head. “Ok. We’ll be ok. Keep enduring, nana. We’ll protect you the best we can, ok?” he said, patting Jaemin’s head. “What’s the plan for today?”

“Let’s get breakfast? And then maybe you guys could go on a walk together, for exercise. Get some serotonin pumping through your veins. Does that sound good Nana?”

Jaemin nodded.

“Ok,” Renjun agreed easily “What do we want to eat today? Cereal? Cereal sounds nice.”

“Cereal it is. Ready nana?” Jeno asked, getting up.

“For what?” Jaemin let out an undignified squeak as Jeno scooped him up in his arms.

“Can I carry you to the table?” he asked.

“A-alright.”

“Let’s go meet Injun,” Jeno said, standing up off the bed. “Injun, coming!”

“Yea, yea,” Renjun called from the kitchen. “Just hurry up!”

Jaemin mumbled something into Jeno’s shoulder.

“Sorry love, can you say it again?”

“Thank you,” Jaemin said quickly, before hiding his face in Jeno’s shoulder again.

“Of course, nana.” Jeno said, pulling his chair out from under the table. He sat down, adjusting Jaemin so he was sitting in his lap.

Renjun set down three bowls of reese’s puffs.

“Thank you for getting the food, sunshine,” Jeno said, giving him a bright smile.

Renjun rolled his eyes good-naturedly. “Yea, sure thing.”

Jeno gathered some puffs in his spoon and held it in front of Jaemin’s mouth. “Say ah.”

Jaemin flushed as he opened his mouth to be fed. “Ah.”

Renjun reached across the table to grab Jaemin’s hand. “We’ll take care of you, dearest. Alright?”

“Mhm.”

“Just keep enduring.”

Jaemin nodded, with a sigh. Enduring was so tiring, but at least he wasn’t alone anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 3/3/21 i'm editing again and this is, whew, some hard work. fighting, man! we got this.
> 
> constructive criticism appreciated! i'd love to improve as a writer ^^


	2. remembering thing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: now edited but by a dummy (me). Tread lightly :'D

Jaemin was good at putting up shields. He had to protect his sensitive soul from being hurt anymore. But maybe he had been strong for too long because his shield…was cracking.

Sometimes Jaemin felt weird. It was kind of scary, so he hid in his room until it went away.

It was a lazy afternoon in the summer, when Jaemin was feeling odd again. He was sitting on the floor quietly, playing with a ball. It was very intriguing. Jaemin smiled brightly as the ball bounced once, twice, three times before rolling to a stop. He crawled over to retrieve it. “It’s fun to. To…to play,” he said quietly to the open air.

No one answered.

Jaemin gave a watery smile. “S…Sometimes I’m sad ‘cuz there is no one.”

Other people had imaginary friends. He could do it too, right? It was worth a shot. He scrunched up his face unsurely, looking over at his plushies. “…Petal?”

The ballerina plushie stared back at him with their shiny, beady eyes.

“Mm…I’m sad, Petal,” Jaemin said. “Lonely.” He wrapped his arms around himself. “Petal, are you, can you be my friend?”

There was a loud bang of the door opening. Jaemin flinched, covering his ears before dropping them hastily.

“Don’t close your damn door. Who’re you talking to?”

Jaemin stared up at his mother. “No one. Practicing lines.”

“ **Speak up** ,” his mom said, face hardening as he annoyed her.

“No one. Practicing lines,” Jaemin said, speaking louder.

His mother glared at him.

_What is it, whatisit?_

“ **Practicing lines, _mom_**.”

“Practicing lines, mom.” He cringed as his voice came out harsher than he meant. He was only trying to speak loud enough.

“Don’t fucking sass me.”

Jaemin curled into himself. She was scarier than usual today. “Practicing lines, mom,” he said, voice barely a whisper.

“Get out of your room. I have to sweep. Don’t go downstairs! The floors are clean down there.”

Jaemin got up and walked towards the door.

“ **Hurry up**!”

He sped up, brushing past her. Jaemin hurried to the living room and collapsed onto the couch. He made eye contact with one of his sisters, and they shared a tired smile.

-

“I dunno, sometimes she yelled,” Jaemin shrugged. “it isn’t really bad though. Not trauma or nothin’.”

His therapist hummed. “I’m sure that must’ve scary though, right?”

Jaemin nodded.

“I want to talk more about this next time. Do you have anything else you want to talk about?”

Jaemin shook his head.

“Alright then, I’ll see you next week.”

Jaemin nodded. He sat awkwardly, unsure if he was supposed to get up yet or not. She smiled patiently. “Bye~”

Jaemin got up and left the room.

“Ah. Hi~ How was it?” Renjun asked, closing up his sketchbook.

“It was good.”

“Yeah Cool. Ready nana?”

“Yea.”

Renjun reached out a hand, offering it, and Jaemin slotted it in his own. “Your hands are so cold,” Jaemin said, frowning. “Do you have gloves?”

“Nah, I forgot them.”

Jaemin pouted. “But I reminded you.”

“I know. I got distracted. Thank you for reminding me though,” he said, giving Jaemin a quiet smile. “I appreciate it. I’ll get ‘em right away next time.”

Jaemin slowly smiled back. “ok.”

_Talk or not talk? Talk or not talk?_

“…Renjun?”

“yea?”

“…we talked about my mom.”

Renjun’s face flattened. “Well that sucks. Are you ok?”

“yea, yes. I just…remembered something,” Jaemin said softly.

“Oh?”

“…”

Renjun nodded encouragingly.

“mm. Is it okay…if…if…um?” Jaemin’s voice trailed off into a question.

Renjun squeezed Jaemin’s hand. “You’re okay. It’s fine, snowflake.”

Jaemin swallowed. “…Is it okay if sometimes I talk kinda funny?”

“yes, honey,” Renjun said gently.

“Like… Likeakid.”

“I totally missed that, sorry.”

Jaemin’s heart was going too fast. “L-like a kid.”

“Yeah, that’s fine.” Renjun furrowed his eyebrows. “Why wouldn’t it be?”

“’Cause it’s weird,” Jaemin whined.

Renjun took Jaemin’s other hand in his own so they were face to face. “Nana, weird is okay. You’re safe to be however weird you want with us, ok?”

Jaemin swallowed. “Ok.”

Renjun peered up at him. It felt like he was looking into Jaemin’s very fucking soul. Whatever he was looking for, Renjun must’ve found, because he nodded, and said, “Ok, Nana.” He unlocked the car. “Let’s go home.”

Jaemin opened the passenger side and climbed into the backseat. “Hi,” he said, scooching to the middle seat to be as close as possible to Jeno.

Jeno smiled brightly. “Hello. How was it?”

“It was ok. I remembered a thing from high school that kinda…I dunno.” Jaemin scrunched his nose. “It’s ok if it’s a little weird?” he checked.

“Yea, of course.”

“I told you it’s fine, see? Is everybody buckled?” Renjun asked as he started the car. When he got two yes’, he pulled out of the parking lot onto the road.

“How were _you_?” Jaemin asked.

“Ok. It was a lot better with the windows closed.”

“Mm. I’m glad.”

“What do you guys want for lunch?”

“Cereal.”

“For _lunch_?” Renjun asked, eyebrows scrunching together.

“Yea,” Jeno said. “I’m in the mood for the blueberry wheat thingys.”

“Well, ok. You do you. Jaemin, do you wanna do sandwiches or something?”

“Yea. Something easy.”

“Ok. Peanut butter sandwiches it is. And Jeno’s cereal,” he added with distaste.

Jaemin’s face cracked into a genuine smile.

“What is the thing?” Jeno asked, head tilting curiously like a puppy.

“Ah. Something happened. Just when I got. Fuzzy. …talked like a little kid kinda. S…Sometimes I’d switch to my awful French.”

Jeno smiled again. “Cool.”

Jaemin smiled tentatively back. “Really?”

“Yea.”

Jaemin looked down at his lap. “Ok.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: *edits 2 chapters*  
> wow, I'm making sm progress!  
> *remembers there are 70+ chapters to go*


	3. alone, hesitant to open up, accidently exposing himself lol (bathroom talks)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaemin talks to the spirit of little Petal (they're at his mom's house, rip). He doesn't know what to do :(

Jaemin mindlessly ran his fingers through Renjun’s hair, wondering if he should wait till _after_ the movie to break down in the bathroom.

“…I’m kinda tired. I think I’m gonna head to bed.”

“ok,” Renjun said easily, lifting his head off Jaemin’s lap. “Do you want us to stop the movie?”

“no, no. I don’t even know what’s going on,” Jaemin said, wringing his hands.

“are you ok?” Jeno asked.

Jaemin nodded. “Yea, I’m just tired. Long day.”

Jeno looked at him suspiciously. “Ok. We’ll be in when it ends, then. I think it’s almost over.”

Jaemin nodded. “ok. Goodnight.”

“G’night love,” Renjun said, reaching out to clasp Jaemin’s hand in his for a second before letting go.

Jeno hugged Jaemin. “Goodnight”

“Night.”

Jaemin eased himself up and walked to the bathroom, closing the door behind him. Not bothering with the light, he knelt to the ground.

“Petal. I feel alone,” he whispered softly into the darkness. “I miss you. I feel alone. And I’m too scared to ask.”

_What are you scared of? They’d say yes._

“I know they’d say yes. But it’s embarrassing. It’s fucking _embarrassing_.” He sniffled into his hands.

_I know._

“It’s weird and embarrassing and they pity me, so, so much. They’d be uncomfortable, but they wouldn’t say anything, ‘cuz they’re too nice.”

_When have they ever withheld information from you?_

“…never. _That I know of,_ ” he stressed. He felt angry tears building up. “It’s embarrassing…”

_Okay._

_Do it alone with me, then. Like old times._

Jaemin bit his lip. “ok.

“I’m sad. Je…suis triste,” Jaemin said, switching to his broken French. It helped focus his thoughts and make them more…simple maybe.

“Parce que…je ne sais pas pourquoi.”

_Don’t know why? Hm._

“Alors je ne peux pas…mm…to…to fix. Je ne peux pas faire une chose qui ci je faire, je suis en peux ne triste pas.”

_You don’t know how to make yourself feel better? How about a hug? You always like hugs._

“Mais…” Jaemin wiped his eyes as a couple of tears spilled over. “ _Tu n’es pas ici._ ”

_Oh, no. I’m really not here, am I? Just imagining. Such a creative boy. No hugs from me, then. Maybe…hm. Let’s look around here. A towel?_

Jaemin nodded. “Oui,” he said, standing up. _Too big._ He thought better of it and went back down on his knees, walking to the cabinets that way. He felt around for the handle and opened up the drawer.

Jaemin smiled in triumph when he found the towels. Careful to grab only one, he sat back down and carefully held the towel. “Je suis stupide?”

_No, honey._

Jaemin nodded in easy agreement and hugged the towel as tightly as he could.

“C’est n’est pas…”

_It’s not enough. I know…_

“Jaemin?”

Jaemin jolted.

“nana, baby, are you ok in there?” Renjun’s muffled voice came through the door.

“mm.”

“what?”

“mhm.”

“…can I come in?”

Jaemin stayed silent.

“nana, We’re worried. I’m gonna come in, ok? If you don’t answer, I gotta come in.”

“…”

“oh god. Nana, ok. I’m sorry, but I have to-“ Renjun opened the door. “-check on you.

“baby?”

Jaemin stuffed his face into the towel.

“It’s- It’s ok. You don’t have to hide,” he said gently. The light from the hallway illuminated his small figure and Jeno’s as they came further into the bathroom to sit close, still leaving Jaemin a healthy amount of space.

“nana, what’s wrong?”

Jaemin just shook his head.

“Can we touch you?” Jeno asked.

Jaemin hesitantly nodded.

They crawled forward to hold Jaemin gently. Jaemin let out a quiet whine, and they flickered away, thinking it was the touch that caused Jaemin distress. Jaemin reached out with grabby hands and they wrapped around him again.

They hugged him on the bathroom floor for what could have been minutes or hours, before Renjun pulled away slightly. He raised Jaemin’s head delicately to see his eyes. “Jaemin?”

“yea.”

“Do you want to talk about anything? Do you need anything?”

Jaemin shook his head.

“Angel, you don’t have to lie to us. We love all of you,” Renjun said softly.

The words never failed to make Jaemin’s eyes burn. “Pa _pa,_ ” he whined, before his eyes widened in horror.

Well shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love how I read the nastiest smut but I can't even make them kiss.
> 
> anyway, my first cliffhanger! Yay :D this is a huge milestone for me as a new writer heheh.


	4. part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jaemin runs away and the boys make sure he's ok.

“Jae- wait!”

Jaemin didn’t listen, throwing on his jacket and leaving the door wide open, he _ran_.

Renjun looked back and forth between the door and Jeno. “Do I go after him? Does he need to be alone?”

Jeno reached out and squeezed Renjun’s hand before letting go. “Better safe than sorry,” he whispered.

Renjun nodded and dashed out after him.

It was fucking cold outside.

He looked left and right, catching the tail end of Jaemin’s blue jacket slipping into an alleyway. He took off that way.

As he rounded the corner, breathing heavily, the sight he saw was heartbreaking.

Jaemin was curled up in a little ball, sitting on the dirty ground, _sobbing_.

“Snowflake,” Renjun whispered. He walked up slowly to Jaemin, kneeling in front of him.

Jaemin flinched, curling in on himself tighter.

“Oh, nana. It’s ok. It’s ok. Let’s go back inside, hm?”

Jaemin shook his head violently.

“I don’t mind, okay? I really don’t mind. Remember? You can be yourself,” Renjun said gently. ”C’mon. Let’s get you back inside. Can I touch you?”

Jaemin hesitated before nodding, and Renjun wrapped Jaemin up in a hug.

“It’s ok. It’s ok. It’s ok,” he murmured, rocking them back and forth.

Jaemin cried, babbling something Renjun couldn’t decipher between sobs.

A particularly cold burst of wind swept through the alleyway, and Jaemin shuddered.

“You’re gonna get sick like this, without a coat. C’mon, let’s go home. Everything is ok,” Renjun said, standing up. He pulled Jaemin’s arms a little, and Jaemin rose obediently, tears still streaking down his face.

They walked back to the apartment in silence, Renjun keeping constant contact with Jaemin so that he knew Renjun was still there. Jaemin had calmed down a little. “I’m so-rry.”

Renjun shook his head. “Nothing you need to be sorry for.”

As they came up the steps, the door flung open.

“Honey bear? Oh gosh, oh it is _frosty_ out. Come in, Come in,” Jeno rambled, pulling them inside and shutting the door behind them.

“I’m freezing my balls off,” Renjun complained. “I demand snuggles,” he said, leading them to bed. No one bothered changing, just getting into bed to warm up.

Jaemin kept his face covered, but managed to comment, “this is disgusting.”

“We can change the sheets in the morning,” Jeno said, unworried, snuggling close to his two boys.

“Okay.”

“Nana…did this have anything to do with the kid thing?”

Jaemin raised his head with a pitiful glare. “no.”

“…seems fake, but ok. Where’s your head at, baby? That’s what’s important right now,” Renjun asked.

Jaemin shrugged. “I’m embarrassed and low-key want to die.”

“Low-key? Or high-key?” Jeno asked worriedly. He reached out to wipe Jaemin’s tears away with his thumb.

Jaemin’s eyes fluttered shut. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Of course it matters, love.”

“Well then just a little bit.” Jaemin bit his lip. “…Can we just forget this ever happened?”

Renjun looked at him softly. “I never wanna forget how you looked at me when you called me papa. You were…different. It felt like you trusted me with the whole world. If that’s what it does for you, let’s you let down your barriers, then I don’t care _what_ you call me.”

Jaemin squirmed uncomfortably. “really?” he asked.

“yes. Of course.

“Honey, it wasn’t just that though. You were different. Like, really different. Not in a bad way!” He added when Jaemin’s eyes started getting watery again.

Jeno nodded. “yeah. It was really cute.”

“really?” Jaemin asked in a tinier voice.

“really,” Jeno said.

Jaemin gnawed on his bottom lip. “Can we wait a little before we talk about this?”

“of course.”

Jaemin relaxed. “Okay then. Sleepytime?”

“Sure, baby. Whatever you want. Whatever you want.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> maybe the boys will put in some research soon and I'll actually know what I'm doing. This is all based on my own tragic experiences :') who knows if anything is right? who knows? edit: I researched a little :D There are a bunch of lovely tumblr accounts if u want a sense of community. So you can look up agere and a bunch of stuff will pop up. Have fun!
> 
> anyways, ty for reading :D


	5. fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the fight but squished into one chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so i dunno if it's clear, but this is like...in the past. highschool time. it made sense when i wrote it ^^'

Renjun was avoiding him.  
Jaemin didn't know what to do.  
"I just know you guys had a fight. That's it," Jeno said. "So I dunno what to do either."

_-_

_“Jaemin, get the door!”_

_“yes, mom,” Jaemin said, rolling his eyes._

_He got up, dragging his feet over to the door and tugged it open to see Renjun. “What’s up?”_  
-

"Ok, well basically he was getting super in my business, and I told him to fuck off.”

_-_

_Renjun’s gaze darkened, honing in on his mouth._

_“what?”_

_“why is your tongue black?”_

_Shit._

_Renjun took Jaemin’s chin in his hand to pry open his mouth. “Are you sucking ink again? I_ told _you not to.”_

-

“Nana, he’s worried. You do realize you tried to kill yourself three weeks ago.”

“yeah. obviously.”

Jeno tilted his head, wondering what the hell went through Jaemin’s head. “Nana, he’s hovering ‘cause he doesn’t want that to happen again.”

“I need room to breathe.”

“So does junnie.”

Jaemin scowled. “that’s stupid.”

-

“ _I don’t_ want _your fucking help.”_

_“Too bad.”_

_Jaemin stared blankly. “Take your help and go somewhere else.” He turned around to go back inside._

_“No. I’m not gonna watch you slowly kill yourself with stupid shit you find around your house. I care about you, you fucking dick!”_

_Jaemin turned back around to see Renjun, fists shaking and eyes red around the edges._

_“Go cry somewhere else,” Jaemin said coldly. “You’re just making it worse.”_

_He went back into his house, leaving Renjun alone out on his porch._

-

“What about it is stupid? That he’s worried and scared and helpless like all of us are?”

“All of us as in, what, you and him?”

“are we not enough?”

Jaemin shook his head. “My head hurts. Stop, stop trying to trick me.”

“I’m not tricking you,” Jeno said. “I just…We care. And we wanna help. So if he’s not helping in the best way, maybe you can tell him how?”  
-  
Jaemin sat on the grass next to Renjun. Renjun didn’t look up, but the tip of his pencil snapping from how hard it was pressing to the paper was enough evidence that he was aware of Jaemin’s presence. Renjun wordlessly pulled out a sharpener and started aggressively sharpening his pencil.  
"Renjun?" Jaemin tried nervously. "Renjun...I'm sorry. I shouldn't have been so mean."  
Renjun shook his head. "It's whatever. I shouldn't have pushed. You were a total bitch, but I shouldn’t have pushed." He tugged on his hair. "I just dunno what to do."  
"You can listen to me. And believe me."  
Renjun gave Jaemin a dry look. "Do you know how many times you've lied to my face?"  
Jaemin ducked his head sheepishly.  
"I can't trust you, nana. Not with yourself."  
"Wow."  
"I'm serious. The last time I listened to you, I ended up getting a call that you might be dead." Renjun turned his head tiredly to look at Jaemin. "I don't want you to die," he said, eyes full of a weary kind of worry.  
Jaemin pulled out a clumpful of grass.

“that’s bad for the planet, y’know,” Renjun mumbled, going back to sharpening his pencil. “grass murderer.”

Jaemin rolled his eyes. “Jeno said to tell you ways to help.”  
"ok.”

“But I don’t know how you can.”

“…ok.” Renjun put his sharpener away. “Why are you here then?” he asked.

“’cause…’cause I miss you.” Jaemin said.

Renjun punched him in the shoulder.

“ow!”

Renjun glared. “you can’t say shit like that right after you made me cry. I’m supposed to be mad at you right now.” He turned back to his sketching, and they sat in silence for a while, just the sound of pencil scratching on paper filling the silence.

“look. It’s you,” Renjun said, showing Jaemin his notebook. It was a picture of a hairy troll with a speech bubble saying, ‘I’m a moron’. Jaemin grimaced.

“Wow. Thanks.”

Renjun sighed, before slapping his forehead with one hand. “I can’t believe I’m doing this. Ok. I’ll back off. But you gotta try and tell the truth. I need you to try. The truth I can work with. I’m tired of all the lies, nana. I’m tired of this.”  
Jaemin nodded. "I'll try. Just don't get all up in my face, and I'll try."  
“I’m giving you a second chance,” Renjun warned. “Don’t fuck it up.”

“I’ll do my best.”

"Really?" Renjun asked.  
"Really."  
"…Ok," Renjun said tiredly.

Jaemin slung an arm around Renjun's shoulder. "We'll be ok."

Renjun sighed. "We better fucking be."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tysm for reading <33


	6. bonding, little

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaemin's still trying to open up.

“injun?”

“I’m here,” Renjun said, petting Jaemin’s hair.

“I feel weird.”

Renjun looked down from his laptop. “Yea? Wanna talk about it? Or no?”

Jaemin shrugged, avoiding eye contact. “mm I just feel weird.”

“ok,” Renjun said gently. “Do you need anything?”

“I need injun~”

Renjun couldn’t help the smile that crept onto his face. “ok. Can you gimme a minute? I’m almost done.”

Jaemin nodded, resting his head on Renjun’s leg. “mhm”

“ok. Thank you, nana,”

“welcome!” Jaemin said, giving him a big smile.

Renjun gave Jaemin a considering look.

“what?”

Renjun shook his head. “Nothing bad,” he assured. “You’re different.”

“no I’m not,” Jaemin said.

“whatever you say~”

Jaemin grumbled under his breath but stayed put as he waited for Renjun to finish.

Finally, Renjun closed his laptop. He set it to the side and told Jaemin he was done. Renjun let Jaemin pull him off the couch to sit next to him on the floor. “thank you for waiting,” he said, wrapping an arm around Jaemin’s middle. Jaemin pawed at Renjun’s shoulder, as if trying to ask to get closer, so Renjun pulled Jaemin close to sit in between his legs. “What does nana need?” He asked.

“need…need,” Jaemin stumbled. “I dunno. I feel really weird.”

“Do you wanna talk about it, or no?”

“yea, but…I can’t.”

“Do you want to try?”

Jaemin nodded. He wanted to so badly. But he just couldn’t. He felt frustrated tears build up, eyes burning.

“Oh, baby,” Renjun reached up to cradle Jaemin’s face in his hands. “What’s wrong?”

Jaemin’s chin crumpled and the first few tears dribbled down his cheeks. “I-I…I…”

“It’s ok if you don’t want to tell me. …Would it help if you did?”

Jaemin nodded.

Renjun pulled Jaemin into a hug. “What’s stopping nana from telling?” he asked quietly. Renjun’s heart broke as his shoulder only grew damp with tears in response. “You’re safe here. I love you, ok?”

“Nana love- mm, loves you too,” Jaemin sobbed quietly.

“Feel small, Injunnie. Feel like small, small…But I’m adult. An adult”

“Honey, it’s ok to be ‘small’. Do whatever you need to do, y’know? You’re adorable either way.”

“Injun?”

“I’m here” Renjun said softly.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, nana. I’m sure,” he said, rubbing Jaemin’s back.

“…mm. Injun?”

“yea baby?”

“Can I try soon?”

“Of course. Whenever you’re ready.”

“Can nana…mm…talk about it?”

“Yea.”

“…”

Renjun looked at Jaemin thoughtfully.

“Papa would love to hear,” he said gently.

Jaemin hugged Renjun tighter.

“…I don’t want you to leave” he said finally, in the quietest of voices.

“oh, baby. I’m not going anywhere,” Renjun said, combing a hand through Jaemin’s hair. “I’ll be here till the end.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmk if this chapter was ok ^^
> 
> thank you dear readers, esp for leaving beautiful comments. They really made my day uwu. Criticism is always appreciated. You won't hurt my feelings~


	7. breakdown (love)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jaemin has a breakdown.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: yelling, self harm in form of punching a wall, throwing stuff, mean mommy :(

"mom ditched me for her tv show again." Jaemin's shoulders slumped. "She told me we'd do something after she finished her work."

Petal stared back at him.

"Why won't she love me? Why won't she just. Fucking. Love me?!" he asked, shoving his nightstand violently, knocking the light onto the floor with a shatter.

It's not enough it's not enough-

jaemin looked around the room desperately. He stumbled over to his shelf and picked up his lego house, smashing it onto the ground. It hit the floor with a loud crash. Pieces flew everywhere.

Jaemin screamed.

"It's not enough" he said hysterically.

Jaemin looked down at his hands.

-

"Jaemin! Jaemin!" Jaemin’s mother grabbed his bloody fist being swung at the wall. "Stop!"

"Let me go!" Jaemin sobbed, trying to shake her grip off him.

"Jaemin what the hell did you do?" His mother asked incredulously, looking around the destroyed room.

Jaemin jerked away from her, stumbling once he broke free.

"Jaemin. Start talking. Now."

He sunk down onto the floor.

"Oh, no you don’t. Don't pull this bullshit. Jaemin!" She screeched. Jaemin scrambled backwards into the wall as far as he could get from her, making himself into a ball.

"You're gonna fucking ignore me? Fine. Get out of here. I need to clean the glass." She grabbed him by his arms and pulled him up. Jaemin resisted, clamping down on the ground.

"Jaemin!"

Jaemin couldn't answer.

His mother laughed without any humor. "I guess I'll just go fuck myself, huh? Fine."

She stalked out of the room, slamming the door shut behind her.

Jaemin cried.

-

"I'm sorry. I was an ass."

"It's fine," Jaemin muttered, keeping his eyes downcast.

"My family life was very hard, you know. My parents never gave a shit about me. They never talked to me about my feelings or any of that crap. I try to be the mother I always wished I had. But I guess I’m not doing a good job, am I."

Jaemin felt the guilt sink in.

"No, you are. I'm sorry I broke my room," he said quietly.

His mother sighed. "Let me see your hands. Can you move your fingers? Shit. Jaemin, why did you have to hurt yourself? We have to go to the hospital."

"I'm sorry mom," he begged.

“Jaemin. It’s my fault. Stop apologizing.”

“but-“

“Stop.”

Jaemin stopped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i cant decide if i should keep this chapter. What do u think?


	8. bonding, little, trust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaemin slips a little with Jeno.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so I tried to get across that Jaemin was slipping, but he was trying to fight it? But at the same time, he trusts Jeno, so he's also relaxing and trying to let him in. So I hope, hope, hope this chapter isn't too jagged.
> 
> I had so much fun writing this! I had an amazing therapy appointment that was life changing, so I'm feeling lighter than usual. I hope that added a little fluff?
> 
> Keep enduring, ok lovely? Change is inevitable. Things are going to change eventually. Your one priority right now is to survive this.

“Jeno. Jeeeno”

“yea?”

Jaemin flopped onto the couch. “I wanna play with you.”

“P-play? Like video games?”

“nooo”

Jeno squinted at Jaemin. “Jaemin? Can you tell me how old you are?”

Jaemin hesitated for a moment before his face cleared. He held up two fingers. “twenty. You forgot?”

“No, no. I just. I was looking up some stuff. Nana, you ever heard of age regression?”

Jaemin picked up Jeno’s hand to play with his fingers. “Nope,” he said cheerfully.

“Ok. Well, I was looking up stuff, and it’s a thing… Here, I’ll show you.” Jeno gently pried his fingers out of Jaemin’s hold to pull out his phone. He unlocked it, tapping into his browser. “here, you can just read this,” he said, handing his phone to Jaemin.

Jaemin read the page, scrolling quietly.

“Nana?” Jeno asked. He reached out to thread their hands back together. “Does that sound like the thing?”

Jaemin nodded, face blank.

“Baby, I don’t mind at all, y’know? Neither of us mind. It sounds nice,” he said softly. “What do you think?”

Jaemin sighed. “I think it sounds a little like the thing.”

Jeno stroked the back of Jaemin’s hand with his thumb. “You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

Jaemin scrunched his nose. He hesitated for a moment before asking, “Jeno?”

“yes, darling?”

“Um, I _am_ kinda…in need to go to the bathroom,” Jaemin said, changing his sentence halfway through.

“Jaemin” Jeno raised an eyebrow.

Jaemin whined. “I’m delicate after therapy. You can’t trick me like this. That’s mean.”

“I’m not trying to trick you.”

“really?”

“yes, honey,” Jeno said gently. “I’d never wanna trick you.”

Jaemin nodded. “ok.”

“Now what was it you were gonna say?”

“…nuthin”

“Baby, are you like, slipping right now? Into the headspace.”

Jaemin shook his head stubbornly. “You’re mean. I’m gonna go play with Pa-shiiit. Jeno!” Jaemin whined, falling onto him. “Why are you doing this? I’m so confused.”

Jeno laughed quietly. “You’re being so silly right now.”

Jaemin blinked up at him, smiling slightly.

Jeno tilted his head. “You know I love you, right?” he asked, reaching out to hold Jaemin’s face in his hand. “That however you are, I’m going to always love you?”

Jaemin leaned into the touch. “Nana love you too.”

Jeno leaned down and pressed the most delicate kiss on Jaemin’s forehead. “Hey,” he said softly. “Do you have a name for me too?”

Jaemin smiled. “’course! You’re mummy. My wonderful mummy.”


	9. can't sleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jaemin can't sleep. Thankfully, injun is there to help!

"guys?" Jaemin whispered, not sure if anyone was still awake.

"Mhm" Renjun snuffled. He blindly felt around for jaemin's hand.

"I can't sleep."

"Mm...it's ok. Just let your body rest."

Jaemin sighed. "But injun. I gotta sleep. I'm gonna be tired tomorrow."

"Mhm. Well, put your phone down, first. And then...mm... just focus on my breathing. ...Not jeno's he breathes...unevenly. it's weird."

"Ok"

Renjun lifted his head, squinting. "Does that help?"

Jaemin carefully pushed Renjun's head to go back down. "...yea."

"Really? Or no?"

"...I'll try."

"Ok. Lemme know if nana still can't sleep."

Jaemin nodded and then remembered Renjun had his eyes closed. "Ok injun. Gnight."

"Night night~"

Jaemin turned off his phone.

…He switched back on and set it to night light.

That should be fine.

Jaemin scrolled through pinterest, looking at videos of pandas. They were so cute! "Hey, hey!" Jaemin whispered, nudging renjun.

Renjun blearily opened his eyes. "Mhm?"

"Look at him roll down the hill" jaemin said excitedly, flipping the screen for renjun to see.

"Mm. That's wonderful nana. ...why aren't you sleeping?"

"I told you, I can't," jaemin whispered back pitifully.

"Why are you watching videos of a panda rolling down a hill?"

Jaemin groaned. "'cuz I can't sleep. Duh."

"How is Injun supposed to know that? Tiny Nana's giggling to his phone while I told him to turn it off. Seems like you just wanna stay up forever."

"Nooo. I wanna sleeep."

Renjun let out a snort."Hm. Ok. Let's take this then, ok?" Renjun said, taking jaemins phone. "Give it 20 minutes. Just trying to sleep."

"Ok. Can I save it first?"

"Yes. Save the video of the cute panda. You gotta show that to jeno when he wakes up," renjun said, lightly pinching jaemin's cheek. “Alright, here,” he said, handing jaemin his phone. "…Ok?"

"Ok," Jaemin said. He gave his phone back somewhat reluctantly.

“Alright. Now just let your body rest, alright? Even if your brains still awake, give your body time to sleep."

Jaemin nodded. "Ok. Goodnight"

"G’night nana"

Jaemin gave it 20 minutes. He gave it an hour. He couldn't sleep. It was impossible.

"Papa?" Jaemin whispered. "Papa, I can't sleep" he nudged Renjun. "Papa?"

"Mm? Mm..." Renjun opened his eyes. "Nana? Oh, shit. Nana"

Jaemin grabbed onto renjun's shirt with weak fists. "Papa, can't sleep," he whispered.

"Oh, honey. It's frustrating, hm?"

Jaemin nodded fervently. "Tried for whole hour."

"Aw, you tried hard. Thank you for trying."

Jaemin nodded, reaching up to wipe his tears away.

"Here, I. I dunno why I didn't think of this sooner. Why don't we pull up an asmr video? Jeno loves that shit." Even if he still couldn't sleep, renjun reasoned jaemin would be more relaxed. He grabbed his phone from the nightstand. "Hm. Do you like whispersred? Jeno likes her.”

Jaemin shook his head. "I've never tried asm...r."

"Oh. Well she's really nice. She's got a special channel I think you might like."

Jaemin perked up. "Really?"

Renjun nodded, giving Jaemin a little smile. "Alright, we got some options. Bedtime stories, um. Kinetic sand, e-"

"I want."

**_'That's the statement. What's the question?'_ **

"...Can we do kinetic sand please?"

"Yes, baby."

Renjun got jaemin set up with earbuds and cuddled up close. "You think this is good?"

"Yea," jaemin said, eyes already glued on the screen.

Renjun chuckled.

"Thank you."

"Course, nana."

Jaemin quietly watched Emma play with the sand, and he felt his eyelids begin to grow heavy.

Finally, he slept.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Took awhile, but I fell asleep, then my brain said sike and woke me back up. Alors...this happened.
> 
> comments are great motivators for an update ;)  
> 12/18 I made it up to here in my editing so far. I'm feelin really self conscious about this fic, just 'cause I rly hate parts of it, y'know? Hopefully editing I can fix some of it ^^


	10. silent night (nonverbal), Petal’s return, reasons to live

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we look more into when Jaemin 'shuts down', and he gets back an old friend :D Then he gets caught searching up ways to die and Jeno ain't letting him off easy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My phone started autocorrecting to their correct names and I feel weirdly happy.

"nana?" Jeno asked softly.

Jaemin didn't look up.

"Can we touch you?" Jaemin immediately stiffened at that. "Ok, we won't. It’s okay."

“…”

"What do you need, love?"

Jaemin couldn’t speak.

His eyes burned.

"Do you think you can draw it honey?" Jeno asked, getting up. He grabbed a sheet of paper and a pen, placing them in front of Jaemin before scooching back. Jaemin slowly reached out a hand to pick up the pen.

“do you want to talk about it?”

Jaemin was too distant. He could hear, but he couldn’t answer. It truly wasn’t possible right now. The ability was gone. He drew, with careful hands. A little stick figure formed on the page with an arrow sticking through its head.

"…Ah."

One stick man with the bow, shooting another dead figure. One with an axe and steam coming out of his ears, eyes comically wide. There ended up being a lot of dead guys scattered across the page.

"That's beautiful, Jaemin," Renjun commented flatly.

Jaemin huffed a breath of laughter.

"I'm gonna hang that up on the fridge. What does mummy think?" Renjun asked, turning to Jeno.

Jeno stared down at the picture. "Mummy thinks that's a wonderful idea."

Jaemin wriggled in happiness. He reached his hands out, keeping his eyes on the ground.

“nana?”

Jaemin crawled forward toward them and shyly reached his hands out again.

“Do you wanna be held, snowflake?”

He nodded.

He felt arms wrap around him gently and cradle him like he did with Petal sometimes.

“You’re our big baby. Our little nana,” Renjun crooned softly. He shifted Jaemin onto his lap. Jaemin stuffed his face into Renjun’s shirt, reaching out for Jeno blindly. A hand clasped his and Jeno settled in front of them, hugging them both, wrapping his legs around Renjun, putting Jaemin in the middle of a squishy love sandwich.

Jaemin cried, feeling so safe even though he was so scared. He knew his Papa and Mummy would protect him.

-

“Jaemin, we got you a present,” Jeno said, hiding something behind his back. There was a big goofy grin on his face. Renjun was right behind him, looking suspiciously happy.

Jaemin sat up onto his elbows. “For me? Why?”

Jeno shrugged. “’Cause we can.” He kneeled in front of Jaemin and brought his arms back around to reveal…a little stuffie ballerina.

“oh my god. I thought you said you were going to Jisung’s.”

Jeno made the ballerina hop towards him and reach up towards the bed. “she’s too short to reach, nana.”

“they,” Jaemin corrected absentmindedly, picking Petal up. “you went to my mom’s for me?”

Jeno nodded. “sorry Petal. They. Um, she wasn’t too bad. She’s pretty nice to me.”

Jaemin shook his head disbelievingly, cradling Petal in his arms. “thank you,” he said, eyes never leaving Petal’s.

Petal was back again!

“I missed you,” He whispered.

_I missed you too._

-

Jaemin would go nonverbal again. He’d get under the bed and hide there, clutching Petal in his arms.

Sometimes he could draw, sometimes he could write back, sometimes he couldn’t, and some very special times, he got needy. He’d allow Renjun and Jeno to touch him and coddle him and couldn’t let them go without breaking down into tears.

Some days he liked being treated delicately.

Some days he didn’t.

-

“I dunno what you’re talking about.”

“Nana, the tab is _right_ here.”

Jaemin examined his fingernails as they suddenly became _very_ interesting. “what if Injun looked it up? How do you know he’s not trying to frame me?”

Jeno sighed. “Jaemin, do you think I’m stupid?”

“Renjun might be planning to murder someone,” Jaemin said, feigning worry. “This is serious!”

“You’re supposed to tell us when you’re getting suicidal thoughts.”

Jaemin glared at the wall behind Jeno.

“…Baby, it’s okay to talk about it.”

“I need to go on a walk.” Jaemin interrupted, getting up.

“ok, but I gotta go with you.”

“ _no_.”

“Jaemin, baby, I can’t trust you with yourself right now. I need to come.”

Jaemin closed his eyes, jaw clenching. “I need to be alone. I promise I’m not gonna hop off the bridge or anything.”

“that’s not good enough anymore,” Jeno said softly. “You’ve broken so many promises. I can’t trust you.”

Jaemin stared at him incredulously.

“you can’t look at me like that. It’s true.”

It was. That didn’t mean Jaemin had to like it.

Jaemin’s jaw shifted as he tried to keep the tears at bay. “can I at least be alone in a room?”

“yeah, I guess that’s fine. Not the kitchen or the bathroom, ok?”

“ok. Bye,” Jaemin said, making for the bathroom anyway.

“…nana.”

“ **what?** ”

Fuck.

Jaemin turned around in time to see the way Jeno flinched.

“...I’m here if you wanna talk,” he said quietly.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I yelled. I’m so sorry.”

Jeno smiled shakily, looking gentle as always with his glasses and his puppy-ness and his sincerity. No matter what, he was always gentle. “it’s ok,” he said.

“It’s really not.”

Jeno shrugged. “ok. So make it up to me?”

“sure, sure. Anything.”

“talk to me about why you were looking up painless ways to die?”

Jaemin huffed. He _had_ said anything. A rookie mistake. Jaemin would do this. For Jeno. To make it up to him.

“…I…wanna live sometimes,” Jaemin admitted, to Jeno, but mostly to himself. “But I’m gonna die, and I don’t understand why it matters if I do now rather than later.”

Jeno blinked up at him, surprised he was talking. He sat up straighter. “Well I mean, now you have a chance. You have a relatively healthy body, and your mom’s financially supporting you, so you don’t have to worry about wasting away at a job you hate. You’re free-er that most people, in that aspect.

“The depression’s a disease. It’s not the truth, y’know? If you win against the depression, who knows what you’ll do? Imagine, nana,” Jeno said.

“Imagine what it’ll be like when you break through and soar.”

“shut up,” Jaemin said, pulling his collar up to hide his face. “Don’t give me hope.”

“baby, we’ll be there with you,” Jeno promised then. “If it all comes to nothing, we’ll be there. Me and Injunnie, and Petal. And the lows will come but so will some highs. I promise you. They’ll come again. So please, don’t kill yourself.”

Jaemin lowered down to sit on the floor. “You’re awful wise today, monsieur. I have another question,” he said. “What’s a reason to live?”

“Um, shit. Ok. The moon and nighttime, the grass, cuddle nights, the highs…pandas, puddles, Renjun’s hot bod-” Jaemin reluctantly found his lips turning up at that. “-to hear music again, there’s… there’s a lot, nana. Is any of that good?”

“…Tell me more,” Jaemin said, holding onto every word.

Jeno nodded. “butterflies, kisses, laughing so hard you can’t breathe, castles, which are sick by the way...um, babies, their little hands holding onto your finger, car rides- Oh, fuck. Nana?” Jeno jumped out of his seat and slid up next to him. “You’re crying. Um, can I touch you?”

Jaemin’s breath hitched. _You can. You can. Please do._ “no.”

“ok.”


	11. loneliness, bonding, black hole

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaemin talks to Petal about his loneliness, then his boys try to convince him he is worthy of not being named a black hole.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please kindly ignore the plot holes. I'll get around to them. :')

The moon shined dimly through the window. Jaemin had Petal held in his arms. He was whispering them a lullaby quietly. Jaemin hadn’t seen the moon for weeks. As he stared at the bright circle in the sky, he wondered.

“Petal…Does the moon get lonely?”

_I don’t know. They’ll always have the sun for company, won’t they?_

Jaemin hummed noncommittedly, going back to singing. But the moon stared back at him, and Jaemin had to think that the sun was rather far away. “…But what if the moon is…I mean…You don’t have to be alone to be lonely.”

_Hm. You’re right. …What brought this up? Are you feeling lonely again?_

“It’s better now…but” Jaemin glanced around before ducking under his blanket. “but,” he whispered. “I think it’s just pushed down.”

_Oh, Jaemin. Could you try talking to one of the boys?_

Jaemin chewed on his lip. “I don’t want to be a bother,” he told them, quietly, as if it were a secret. “Nobody wants to listen to me blab.”

_Hm. Well, you can always talk to me. I know it’s not ideal, but I’m here._

Jaemin sighed. “thank you, Petal.”

Petal tried to think of something to cheer Jaemin up.

_Want to tell me about the new music video?_

Jaemin’s aura brightened slightly. “Yea, so Mark looks so cool. He’s so aggressive in it. I wish he got more screen time. It’s a hybrid of two songs, and I really like one of them- infinity. Monster is okay. Oh! And Ten’s voice was so clear when he sang in English. He was so cool when he did his high note. His neck vein came out, and you know how I feel abou-“

“Jaemin?”

“…yes?” Jaemin asked meekly, peeking his head out of the blanket.

“What’re you up to, honeybee?” Jeno asked, coming to sit on the side of the bed.

“…nuthin’.”

“yeah? Are you with Petal? How are they?”

Jaemin shifted awkwardly. “they’re good.”.

Jeno gave a kind smile. “I’m glad.”

Jaemin weakly smiled back, coming out from under the covers. He tried to sit still, bursting to talk. He was buzzing.

Jeno cocked his head at Jaemin’s odd behavior. “what’s up?” he asked.

That’s all it took for the dam to break. “Have you seen the new SuperM music video?” Jaemin blurted out.

“No, I haven’t. What’s it like?”

“well, they’re all really cool,” Jaemin said, hiding his face behind Petal shyly. “It’s a hybrid song. Two songs in one.”

Jeno nodded. “Who’s your favorite in it?”

“…I dunno. ‘Cuz Lucas in the end, and Baek…and everyone looks really cool,” Jaemin said, bouncing in his seat a little.

“Wanna show me?”

Jaemin lit up, eyes glowing. “really?”

“yeah.”

Jaemin nodded eagerly. He got out of bed to get his laptop, pulling up YouTube excitedly. “The song’s kind of not my favorite, just so you know, so you don’t…get disappointed.”

Jeno gave Jaemin a gentle look. “it’s okay. I’m excited if you are.”

“ok.”

They watched about halfway through before Renjun came in.

“I was taking this monstrous turd just now-hey, what’re you watching?”

Jeno shushed Renjun and patted the bed next to him.

“Oh, is this the new SuperM video?”

“Darling, we’re trying to listen,” Jeno said.

Renjun climbed up next to them, miming zipping his mouth shut.

They watched all the way through, but Jaemin never noticed it had ended. Renjun was playing with Jaemin’s hair. He felt sleepy from it, going boneless at the feeling of Renjun’s fingers on his scalp. “mmph. Does the moon get lonely?”

Jeno considered the question. “I mean, the sun is always shining on it, right? So, the moon is never truly alone.”

Jaemin hummed. “That’s wh’t petal said.”

“You’re our sun, nana,” Renjun said, coming up to hang over Jaemin’s shoulders. He leaned forward to kiss Jaemin on the cheek. “You always shine light on my dark soul.”

“yeah, ok,” Jeno said. “Your soul is about as dark as whole milk.”

Renjun pouted. “Is not.”

“’M not the sun,” Jaemin said, more to himself. “I’m a black hole.”

“…Jaemin what the fuck.”

Jaemin’s eyebrows furrowed. “That’s a bad word.”

Renjun blinked. “Nana, how old are you?”

“Mixed. Dunno”

“…I apologize, then. Jaemin, what the frick?”

“What?”

Renjun slid off Jaemin. “Why’d you say you’re a black hole?”

Jaemin shrugged. “I drag myself and everyone around me down into a dark unescapable hole.”

“Please don’t tell me your mom told you that.”

Jaemin frowned at Renjun. “’Course not. I came up with it myself. I’m smart enough.”

“Of course you’re smart, snowflake. I meant… _Why’d_ you come up with it?” Renjun asked. It was disturbing that Jaemin’s self-esteem was so low.

Jaemin shrugged again. “’cuz it’s true. I’m dragging mummy, and you, and my mom down.” He sighed heavily.

“How are you dragging us down?” Jeno asked with concerned eyes.

“Having to get me out of bed and having to be babysat all day. Nobody has time for it. And worrying all of you. And stuff.”

“Darling, that doesn’t mean you’re a black hole,” Jeno told him earnestly. “What happened to all that sympathy for the moon? Why can’t nana have some of it too?”

“…I’m not worth it,” Jaemin said.

“You know what papa thinks?”

Jaemin shook his head.

“Papa thinks that’s a load of bull.”

Jaemin’s eyes flickered uncertainly.

Renjun pressed on. “you’re a beautiful person with a shitty disease. Just ‘cause your family and the rest of society won’t understand, doesn’t mean you can’t.”

Jaemin stared. “but…it’s me though. Not just the depression. It’s…me. I’m the black hole.”

Jeno pulled Jaemin into a hug. “honey dumpling, how does it make you feel when you say that?”

“…sad.”

“does the sadness help you get better?”

Jaemin shook his head.

“Does the sadness hurt?”

Jaemin nodded.

“it’s not nice to be mean to yourself,” Jeno said gently. “is it possible right this second to be nicer?”

“…yea.”

“if it isn’t helpful, it doesn’t feel good, and you can change it, then doesn’t it make sense to try and let it go? You’re carrying a burden you don’t have to hold.”

“But…” Jaemin sighed. “I wish I could talk to you for real,”

Renjun cooed sadly. “What’s stopping you, baby?”

“I don’t know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sighhh. i don't like this chapter too much. no matter how many times I go over it, it's hard to figure out what's the thing i don't like.


	12. getting out of bed, praise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaemin defeats the giant giant monster of getting out of bed with his boys' help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :DDD I hope this chappy is ok

“Jaemin,” Renjun’s voice sweetly woke Jaemin from a dreamless sleep.

“hm.”

“Jaemin, love. Time to wake up.”

“mm.”

“Honey?” Jeno asked softly.

“yup. ‘m up.”

“that’s what you said ten minutes ago. C’mon. Let’s get out of bed, yeah?”

…

“I can’t.”

Jeno patted Jaemin’s leg. “What’s today’s weather?”

‘…foggy. Rainy. Shitty.” Jaemin raised his hands to gesture showers. “It’s raining shit.”

“okay. What does our lovely weatherman need?”

Jaemin’s cheeks flushed at the nickname. “…dunno,” he said.

“Alright. Well, then let’s start with getting out of bed, ok?”

“can’t.”

“ok,” Renjun said, sitting on the bed. “Is it too hard?” he asked, gently.

“mhm”

“Alright. Let’s try a boost.” Renjun got back up. “I’ll be back in a sec.”

Jeno started humming while Renjun tinkered around in the kitchen.

“’s that Arthur?” Jaemin asked, eyes still closed.

“yea. You like Arthur?”

“yea. The lice episode scarred me for life,” Jaemin murmured.

“yeah. I cried when I watched that one. My family had to turn it off.”

Jaemin nodded. “freaky stuff.”

Renjun pattered back into the room with a steaming mug in his hands. “You’ve said coffee helps, so let’s give it a try. Here, Let’s drink a little. Just a cup.” Renjun lifted Jaemin’s head to carefully tip the mug for Jaemin to drink.

Jaemin obediently sipped on the coffee, wanting to please Renjun.

“there we go. Just a little more.”

When Jaemin swallowed the last of the drink, he looked up at Renjun, waiting.

“okay. Is it kicking in yet?”

Jaemin nodded, subconsciously pouting in disappointment.

“what’s wrong, baby?”

Jaemin shook his head. “Nuthin’.”

Jeno sighed, smiling down at Jaemin. “What’s the forecast? Is it lying today?”

“…no?”

“Could I have a clear answer please?”

“…yes. Yes. Liar.”

“that’s ok, honey. It’s not the weatherman’s fault,” he assured, rubbing Jaemin’s leg. “Can nana tell the truth? What’s wrong?”

Jaemin rolled over so that he was facing the wall. He mumbled something into a pillow.

“honey, we can’t hear with the pillow.”

“mm” Jaemin rolled back around, twisting the sheets. “wanna be good. Did I do good?” He covered his hands over his eyes, a blush crawling over his cheeks. “Drank the whole thing.”

Renjun cooed. “of course. Sorry, yea. You drank the whole thing, and you did very good. I’m very proud.”

A small smile spread across Jaemin’s face.

“C’n I’h’ve some more coffee please?”

“yeah. ‘Course. I’ll be right back.”

It took two more cups of coffee for Jaemin to feel the effects, and then he had the energy to get up.

“temp.?”

“it’s getting warmer. The shit is now rain.”

“well that’s a relief.”

Jaemin smiled smally. “yeah. It is.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this chapter wasn't too unrealistic. Lemme know if it was too fairytale-like. I'll have maybe a more depressed Jaemin getting out of bed when I'm better in the mindset. It's hard to find the balance of realism cause a lot of depression can be emptiness and boredom and boring empty moments, which is boring to read, y'know?


	13. stuck in a cycle

They find Jaemin sitting inside the closet. They watch with sadness as he fumbles to shove empty ink cartridges out of view.

“Jaemin”

“Jaemin, my love, what’s wrong?”

“nothing,” he says with a heartbreaking smile.

Renjun smiles gently back and tries not to burst into tears. “You can talk to us. You can talk to us, ok? We’re here. You don’t have to be alone.”

“can we touch you?” Jeno asks, hands hovering, almost _need_ ing to reach out and touch to just… do _anything_.

“…”

His hands close, withdrawing, like a flower blooming in reverse. “ok. Ok. You’re ok.”

 _Please touch me. Hug me. Tell me everything’s gonna be ok._ Jaemin feels helpless.

“honey, darling, we gotta communicate for us to make it better.”

_I can’t. I can’t. Please help me._

“we can just start small, yeah? You can do it,” Renjun encourages, heart open and ready to give. “Do you need paper?”

Jaemin shakes his head. “I c’n talk.”

“Alright. what’s one tiny thing going on in your beautiful head?”

Jaemin can’t fucking think. “I…dunno.”

“Any random thought, or a big one. Anything.”

 _I don’t know. Help. Please help._ “please”

“fuck.” Renjun swallows. “Ok. Please what? Please what, honey?”

They’re reaching towards the sun, but it’s too far away. Too far up in the sky to touch.

“…”

“Are you cold? You’re shaking. I’ll get a blanket. Renjun’s gonna be here with you, ok?”

“don’t leave” he says immediately, panickily.

“ok, ok. I’m not leaving. No, no. You don’t have to cry. I’m not leaving. Oh, baby. I’m here. Can I touch you?” Jeno asks, begging to be able to help. How do you reach the sun without killing it?

“…”

“ok. No touching.” Jeno licks his lips. He tries to rewind. “Please what? What do you need, nana?”

Jaemin stares into empty space, shivering unconsciously. “need it to be over.”

“…don’t…ok. You need it to be over.” Jeno wipes a hand over his face, willing himself to stay calm. For Jaemin. He takes a breath. “Okay. What needs to be over?”

“everything.”

“Any specifics? Just humor me honey bear, we can’t read your mind. I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.”

Jaemin bites his lip hard enough to draw blood. The room is dark. “cycle. The cycle.”

The cycle. Jaemin’s cycle. Routine. However you want to name it. His depressing state of normalcy.

Renjun tries to guide him, help him along in finding an alternative to whatever this reality is. “How can we break it? Do you want Petal? I can get them-”

“don’t leave”

“ok. Shit. Alright. Sorry, yeah,” Renjun says, sitting back down. “How can we break it?” he tries again.

“I don’t f-fucking know. Kill myself?”

Jeno sucks in a breath. “Jaemin, do you have any skills your therapist gave you? Do you know grounding?”

“no”

“okay, well. Do you wanna try it?”

“sure”

“ok. So one type is basically using your senses to bring you back down to reality. We’ll start with what are three things you can see?” Jeno asks.

“…eyes. Wall. Floor.”

“okay. Three things you can hear?”

There’re cars rushing by outside. “cars…birds. Jeno.”

“Good. What’s two things you can feel?”

Jaemin tries to focus on where his body’s touching something. The cold wooden floor is smooth. “floor. Clothes.”

“ok. Great. Um, can you picture the number ten in your head?”

“…yea.”

“ok, um so now, add ten. Picture each number as you go up.”

_10, 11,12,13,14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20._

“Got it? Good job. Okay. Yes, yea. Good job. You did well. Can you subtract three for me?”

_20_

_19_

_18_

_17._

“What’d you get?” Jeno asks.

“17.”

“yea. Right! So, yeah. Do…let’s do a little check-in? How’re we feeling?”

“Stomach’s less tight,” Jaemin says.

“Does it feel better?”

“yea.”

“Can we touch you?”

“yes please.”

Jeno and Renjun encircle Jaemin, protecting him minutely. It’s warm. Human bodies are so warm.

“How do we break the cycle?” Renjun says quietly. “Can you think of anything?”

Jaemin tries to think hard.

“Do something else.”

“ok. Good job. Can you think of any ‘somethings’?”

“go outside. Or…different room.”

“good boy. Right. Just stay with us, ok? Stuff doesn’t have to be complicated.”

“We will have good moments again, I promise. Not all times come easy, and that’s just life as it is, but I promise, baby. You’ll have a reason to smile in just a little while.”

Jaemin nodded. “ok.”

“Alright um. So why were you sucking ink?” Renjun asked.

Jaemin lowered his eyes to the floor. “I dunno. I needed proof.”

“Of what, snowflake?”

“That the agony is real. Not to be dramatic, but um.” Jaemin drummed his fingers on his leg. “Stuff’s not…going well?”

Jeno rubbed his back. “What can we do?” he asked.

“nothing.”

“Do you need to go back to the hospital baby?”

“No, just…can we move up my med appointment?” Jaemin asked.

Renjun nodded. “Yea, I’ll call the front desk right after this.”

Jaemin bit his lip. “Thank you,” he said quietly.

Jaemin felt empty inside. He had for a while.

“I’m so tired.”

“I know, babydoll.” Jeno said, brushing Jaemin’s hair out of his face. “It’s been kicking your ass for years now, and I’m so damn proud of you for staying alive. So grateful. My love,” he said, holding Jaemin’s face gently. “We still have a chance at magnificence.”

  
  



	14. weigh-in

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaemin goes for a weight check-in at the doctors. The appointment doesn't go too well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: hints at disordered eating. This will be another subplot in the future. I will try and add warnings in the future chapters as well.

6.

“yes, so I’m very happy with this. Keep up the good work, ok?

“Take care, Jaemin.”

6\. Pounds.

“How was it?”

“…it was fine. I gained 6 lbs.” Jaemin faked a smile.

“That’s fantastic, honey,” Renjun said, packing away his sketchbook. He stood up, holding out his arm. “Shall we?”

Jaemin reached out for the limb, holding on for dear life as they made their way outside to the car.

6 pounds.

Time to start starving again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :') sorry jaemin.


	15. asmr, mourning, little, food

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 1st part, Jaemin is home alone and we see a little into his mind. 2nd part little Jaemin eats for big Jaemin. :)

Jaemin jumped up out of his seat as he heard his phone buzz. He made his way to the next room over on wobbly feet and picked his phone up off the dresser, turning it on to see…a notification from his game.

Jaemin gnawed on his lip, feeling a little lost. He had been hoping for a text from Jeno or Renjun. Jaemin set his phone down and toddled back over to his seat. Clicking play, he scratched his head anxiously, waiting for the video to resume.

“…so I’m going to start with some affirmations that I found online myself…”

Jocie B ASMR had pretty eyes. Jaemin reached out to touch, pressing on the screen gently. She looked kind.

He had tried the top video first, but it was too big. Talking about working hard at your job and making sure to take breaks. Jaemin just wanted someone to tell him it was ok, in that patronizing, safe tone that Renjun had been getting rather good at lately. The second video looked just right. The title read affirmations, personal attention, face touching, and comforting. It sounded perfect.

Unconsciously, Jaemin began to smile as she read out the quotes she had found. She had a contagious, calming smile, with lidded eyes and a quiet, feminine voice.

He had to keep pausing the video, unable to focus on the exact words she said. He was anxious someone would be home soon. For now though, he had a few quiet minutes to himself where he could gather all the broken pieces and stuff them back inside, putting the mask of indifference back on.

Before, he had been angry. Getting upset with his loved ones and violent urges.

In the future, he would be numb again. Back to nothing.

For now, he could be fragile and small and teary eyes with no consequence.

 _Just a little while longer,_ he asked of the universe.

Just a little longer before he had to face the world.

-

“Papa?”

“Yes, my little cinnamon roll?”

Jaemin giggled happily. He sat up, grabbing both of Renjun’s hands. “I’m hungry.” he said as he clasped their hands together carefully.

Renjun let Jaemin swing their arms, smiling down at him. “yeah? What does nana want to eat?”

Jaemin shook his head. “can’t eat.”

“why not?” Renjun asked, eyebrows scrunching together.

“’cuz when I get bigger, I’ll be mad,” Jaemin said easily, holding Renjun’s hand high up and letting go. Jaemin watched Renjun’s hand drop back into his lap, unaware of what weight the words he said held.

“why will big Jaemin be mad?”

“’cuz he’s too heavy.”

Jaemin looked up, face dropping as he took in Renjun’s face. “’pa angry?”

Renjun gathered Jaemin up in his arms, nuzzling their noses together. “not angry at you,” he said quietly, closing his eyes. “I’m angry at the universe. …why you?”

“Papa?” Jaemin watched in confusion as Renjun’s eyes looked at him with such _sorrow._ “What’s wrong?”

Renjun shook his head, hiding his face in Jaemin’s shoulder. “it’s almost lunchtime. Let’s go get mummy, ok?”

“no, papa. What’s wrong?” Jaemin asked, patting Renjun’s shoulder. “Please say?”

Renjun took a shuddering breath. “I’ll tell you as we find Jeno, ok? He should be working still.” When jaemin nodded, he picked Jaemin up, carrying him towards the work room.

Jaemin patted Renjun’s shoulder again. “tell it,” he said, pouting.

Renjun told him. He _had_ promised, after all. “It hurts so much that you’re in so much pain. It’s unfair that such a wonderful person like you is so…sad,” he said, a million things summed up with such an underwhelming word. “when you stop eating, we know you’re hurting more than we thought.”

Jaemin hummed, listening.

“You’re allowed to eat, you know. You don’t need to prove anything. It’s pretty damn blatant you’re not doing well.”

“ok.”

“ok?”

“yea.”

Renjun sighed. “that’s enough depressing sh-stuff for today. I’m gonna fall over and die right here if there’s anything else.”

Jaemin giggled.

Renjun turned the knob to the work room, entering quietly. Jeno was at the table, typing at his computer.

“honey?”

Jeno turned around.

“are you on a call?”

Jeno shook his head. “naw.” He smiled at Jaemin. “hi nana.”

“hi mummy.”

Renjun went further into the room to share a chaste kiss with Jeno. “are you ready for lunch?”

“yea.”

Renjun turned to Jaemin. He tilted his head. “You’re not gonna eat, are you?”

“can’t.”

“What if I say it’ll make me really, really happy if you eat just a little bit?”

“can’t.”

Jeno stood up. He petted Jaemin’s hair, running his fingers through the strands. “why can’t you eat?”

“Big jaemin will be mad.”

“why will he be mad?”

“’cuz when he got weighted he was really heavy.” Jaemin puffed up his cheeks. “really fat.”

Jeno’s face flickered. “We’ll talk to big Jaemin and have him understand why you ate, ok? It’ll be ok.”

Jaemin thought for a moment. Big Jaemin would be so mad, but little Jaemin was _so_ hungry that his tummy was hurting. “ok”

“thank you, baby.”

One step at a time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think unrealistic endings is becoming a trend :)  
> We'll work through the eating thing in time, just I wrote these little bits & I'm gonna post them cuz last chapter was kinda heavy and i feel bad haha. I hope this chapter's ok :)
> 
> Oh yes! Also, these youtubers are real people. WhispersRed and Jocie B. If the videos interest you, they rly do exist ^^


	16. Renjun's hands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short chappie dedicated to Renjun's hands because I said so.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a lil disclaimer- I have nothing against people with hand fetishes, okay? You're valid uwu

Renjun really had the smallest hands in the whole world.

Jaemin was completely enamored with them. How pretty and petit and cute they were.

“Your hands are so _cute_ ,” Jaemin uttered, taking one of Renjun’s tiny hands into his own.

Renjun squirmed, embarrassed, but let Jaemin keep holding it.

“So pretty,” Jaemin said, tracing along the lines on Renjun’s palm with his finger.

“you don’t have to narrate your weird fetish. It’s really not needed.”

Jaemin looked up at Renjun, smiling. “Are you flustered, Injunnie?”

Renjun glared back. “no.”

Jaemin decided to ignore Renjun’s other hand touching at his ear nervously. “okay then~” he said, returning his attention to Renjun’s open palm. “So small,” Jaemin cooed.

“you’re so fucking weird.”

“you love it.”

“…

“well, yeah, I do,” Renjun said defeatedly.

Jaemin beamed.

“I love you. Even if you have a hand fetish.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I dunno of u can tell, but I have a thing for Renjun's hands.There's a compilation on youtube that I watch religiously


	17. filling the time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaemin tries to find something to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright, so hello. This chapter's not great, so I might delete it later, but it's just Jaemin trying to make it through an ordinary day. I wanted to put something up cuz last chapter was kinda weird. Sorry about that. I just needed to tell someone about Renjun's hands.
> 
> BTW Jaemin's hair right now irl? With the bleached eyebrows and white hair? *fans self*

Jaemin had grown numb to the weight. Once the weight was gone, there was nothing left. He was just an empty shell.

Jaemin wanted to cry, because it wasn’t fair.

Why did everyone else grow brighter when the spring came?

Why did everyone else get to eat food, and play games, and feel enjoyment at all?

Jaemin was fucking numb.

And when he got numb, a dangerous voice started to whisper into his head.

_Get worse. Starve yourself. Burn yourself. **Kill yourself.** Do it, you fucking coward. Get worse and then we can just be done._

“Junnie?” Jaemin called in the quietest voice.

He carefully got out of bed, tucked the sheets back in place and shuffled his way to the living room. Jaemin stood silently in the doorway, unsure of what to say. What to do.

Thankfully, Renjun glanced up from his phone, noticing him. “hey nana.”

“hi.”

The tears were coming. Jaemin could feel them building up.

Renjun rose from where he was lying across the couch and patted the seat next to him. “c’mere. Sit with me.”

Jaemin complied, curling up next to him.

“how are you?”

“bad.”

Renjun gave him a sad smile. “Okay. What’s bad?”

“everything. My…my head is saying things that I don’t want to do.”

Renjun nodded, listening.

“’pa…it’s…I don’t know what to do. I’m breaking again.”

“what are your options right now?” Renjun asked, petting Jaemin’s hair, trying to calm him down.

“I can…well, go to the hospital; up my drugs. I can hold on ‘till next appointment and up them. I can…exercise. I…I can exercise.”

Exercise releases serotonin or something like that. A natural mood booster.

“are you up for it? I’ll do it with you.”

Jaemin looked over. “you don’t have to.”

“I want to. Plus, I should do it anyway,” Renjun said.

Jaemin sighed. “okay”

Renjun stood up. “Alright. What do you usually do?”

Jaemin shook his head, getting up with him. “not much. My body’s weak as shit. Jumping jacks, plank, stretches, push-ups, but the ones on your knees. I can’t do a real one.”

“ok. Start with jumping jacks?”

“sure.”

They did five, and then Jaemin decided to make up some stretches since he was bored. He stretched to both sides, arms above his head. His body shook from the effort of coming back up from bending his body sideways.

“ok, that’s good enough,” Jaemin said, no energy to go any further.

Renjun gave him a little smile. “Okay. good job”

Jaemin scratched the back of his head.

“what do I do now?”

Renjun thought for a moment.

“you want some soda? It’s got caffeine in it.”

Jaemin shrugged. “ok.”

“and then wanna draw with me a little?”

“sure”

It wasn’t perfect, but it was something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading. Feel free to say hello if u want to. I don't bite :)


	18. intro to heavy emotions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> another nighttime chapter. jaemin sometimes wishes he could feel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> goodnight guys (-, – )…zzzZZZ

"mm...Renjunie?"

"yea?"

"can you snuggle?" Jaemin asked, putting on his best puppy eyes.

Renjun shook his head affectionately, fighting a smile. "ok nana." He put his laptop on the nightstand and laid down, cuddling in close. Jaemin strung around him like an octopus, touching as close as he could get. "how was your guys' day?" Renjun asked quietly, petting Jaemin’s head.

Jeno hooked his head over Jaemin's shoulder. "Mine was ok."

Renjun nodded and looked to Jaemin, focusing intently on him. It made Jaemin feel funny inside, how Renjun gave him all of his attention.

How _was_ his day? A lot of feeling hollow, and an ache in his chest that wouldn’t go away. "not good. What about you?"

"mine was a bit shit too."

Renjun sighed. "There's still tomorrow."

Then Jeno spoke, breath tickling Jaemin's neck. "Of course. And there's still this moment. Tonight's not too difficult. I'm gonna fall asleep with the two loves of my life right next to me. And what's better than that?"

Jaemin smiled, a melancholy thing. "nothing." He tried, for a second, to open up the flood of emotions. To just to let himself feel this little moment. His chest was heavy, and it hurt. The tenderness hurt so badly, and it brought _tears_.

Jaemin's heart was heavy. It was too heavy, too full for a world like this one. It _hurt_. It ached so badly.

“It’s ok, nana.”

Renjun.

Renjun was rubbing small circles into Jaemin's shoulder. "it's ok, baby. What’s wrong, hm?"

Jaemin was too tired, had spent too long bottling it up, that the words just spilled out. "My chest hurts. Even pretty, nice things make it hurt. It’s painful, and I don’t want it. I’m hurting," he said softly.

Jeno hugged Jaemin tighter. "Have you talked about this with your therapist?"

"not the new one."

"We can try and talk you through it," he offered gently.

"can...can you just hold me for tonight?" Jaemin asked. "I'm just so _tired_. There's still tomorrow, right?"

Renjun nodded. "of course. Let yourself rest, and we'll try tomorrow."

Jeno pressed his lips to the back of Jaemin's neck. "let yourself rest, our brave, brave weatherman."

Jaemin squeezed his hands into fists, overwhelmed. "how. How do I sleep?”

"...does nana want a lullaby?"

"...yes please."

_“Show me your colors, paint me the sky from your world,_

_Lift up your fingers and spread them for me, twist them with mine to be curled,_

_Together we are, we might be one soul,_

_Breathing in all of the secrets you hold”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jaemin's numb sometimes as a coping mechanism cuz he feels very deeply, if that makes sense? i dunno, a lot of people don't get it when i say it's a physical pain, but hopefully i'm getting it across right.


	19. pt. 1 emptiness, esteem, floating, caught, burning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaemin reflects as he counts his pills one last time. (it's ok he's not gonna actually die uwu plz don't kill me)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: self-harm in the form of burning, suicidal plan and intent present. Please take care of yourselves, okay?

1, 2, 3, 4, 5… Emptiness. There was a hole inside his chest. Every minute of every day, just waiting for the night to come, so he could slip away for a little while.

Jaemin didn’t dream anymore. He sat in darkness, conscious but not.

Alive, but not.

6, 7, 8, 9, 10… He was just stupid. Jaemin was so fucking stupid, and everything he did was **wrong**. Everything, everything he fucked up, and god, the embarrassment. The shame. Having to live in his body and _be_ the person that said those stupid, stupid things.

11, 12, 13, 14, 15… Jaemin was out of his head. He wanted to scream. He wanted to cry.

He felt relief when he floated away, laughing, to stop the crying, to stop the pain.

16, 17, 18, 19, 20… “I don’t care.”

“honey, I know. I know. But please, please please please just come back down anyway-”

“Why?”

“because Jeno and Renjun love you so much, and we’ll do better, and we’re sorry, and we’ll help you. We still have time, right?”

“I can’t wait any longer.”

“I know, I know. And I know that it hurts, and I’m so fucking sorry you had to be born, but you were, and I’ll be broken if you leave now, so please, just come back to us, nana.”

“no.”

“o-ok. Ok. Just… it’s ok. Stay there, ok? Everything’s gonna be ok, honey. I promise.”

“…”

“Just…give me a hug before you go. Please baby?”

“…”

“no, look at me. Look at me. That’s it. Please, honey. For me? Just give me one last hug.”

“…fine.”

“thank you-oh god. Thank you thank you-…Honey bear, it’s gonna be ok.”

“what the f-put me down, you asshole! You fucking tricked me!”

“it’s gonna be ok. I promise.”

“let me- go!”

“Baby, look at me. I’m sorry, ok? I’m sorry. It’s so selfish. It’s _so_ selfish of me. Just give me a week, please? Give me a week to change your mind.”

“ _Fuck_ you.”

“I know, baby. I know. I’m sorry. Everything’s gonna be ok. Everything’s gonna be ok.”

21, 22, 23, 24, 25… Jaemin watched the flame with mild interest as it burned along the wood, before he dug the match into his skin, feeling the sting.

He closed his eyes, smiling hazily.

Finally. _Something._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading


	20. part 2 bitter, revenge, night dancing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> pt. 2 of reflection.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :D i dunno if this is any good, but im posting it anyway

26, 27, 28, 29, 30… His therapist looked up from the paper she was writing on. “Could you explain more about how exactly you’re ‘bitter’?”

“yea. So like, my like…everything is bitter. It’s bitter, and there’s nothing inside me anymore that isn’t.”

“ok…what makes you feel this way?”

Jaemin shifted in his chair uncomfortably “Um, like…it’s ‘cause I used to feel nice things, and now I never feel nice things, and I’m just evil. I’m just a bad person now. So that’s why,” Jaemin said.

“You need to die because you’re a bad person?”

“no,” Jaemin huffed. “it’s just one reason.”

“…tell me another.”

31, 32, 33, 34, 35… _I’m a shell of a person. I’m done living like this. I’ve waited long enough._

36, 37, 38, 39, 40… It was revenge. It was a sick sort of revenge. Jaemin smiled, gleeful as he unpacked the matchbox from its hiding spot.

He would show them.

He decided on five. A nice balanced number.

Jaemin tore the gauze off and rubbed away the medicine gel put on his infected arm.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

If they thought _this_ was bad, he’d show them how fucking bad he could get.

41, 42, 43, 44, 45… Jaemin danced down the empty street, bobbing his head in time to the music.

There was no one out at night. No one except for the kids at the playground getting high and the other losers that hid during the day.

No doubt Jeno was still awake, waiting for him to come back home. At some point, Renjun would bring him back to bed, but Jeno wouldn’t dare sleep. Not while Jaemin was out doing god knows what.

They always expected the very worst of him.

The worst outcome.

Jaemin was tired of being a disappointment.

So he left and drifted away with the music, sucking the sweet ink out the end of a pen, chucking the empty ones into whoever’s lawn.

He swayed to the music, and pretended he was vibing. He played the part of someone drunk off life, saying hello to the moon and crying soft tears because they’re too damn delicate for this world.

Jaemin danced and felt the darkness stirring inside him, keeping beat to the song.

What a wonderful night it was.

Jaemin smiled bitterly to himself.

What a wonderful night.

46, 47, 48, 49, 50…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ty for reading <3 constructive criticism greatly appreciated


	21. part 3 of 3 letter, rescue?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> :D the end of my mini torture arc.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :DDD unedited. I will edit tomorrow if u wanna wait till then. edit: edited now lol but jokes on me it's edited by well, me, which means there's still a lot to b changed :')

51, 52, 53, 54, 55…

_My loves,_

_I’m sorry. I had to. There was no other choice. I’m at my wit’s end. My endurance has run out and it’s time for me to go._

_I love you. Please, if you love me, forget me and move on. You have each other. You’ll be ok._

_Goodbye. I love you forever,_

_-Nana_

56, 57, 58, 59, 60…

Jaemin set the letter carefully on the kitchen table. It was time. He felt jittery.

He would go somewhere far away. The police would find his body. They would never have to see it. Any of it. He wasn’t _that_ cruel.

Jaemin made his way to look at them one more time, just once more. Through the hallway, the second door to the left. He rested on the doorway, for just a moment. They looked so peaceful as they slept. So beautifully innocent. He walked to them, slowly. Sat on the edge of the bed and reached for them tenderly.

Jaemin let a hand rest over both of their hearts. Softly beating.

It was time.

61, 62, 63, 64, 65… He was ready. Right? Wasn’t he? Yes. No. Yes.

Would he regret it, he wondered?

66, 67, 68, 69, 70… Would it hurt?

71, 72, 73, 74.

It was time.

Jaemin’s phone rang.

“hello?”

“Hi, snowflake. I woke up and you weren’t here. Where are you?”

“…I dunno.”

“You don’t know where you are? Are you okay? What’s wrong?”

“I. I mean I know where I am.”

“…Nana, what the hell?”

Jaemin was panicking. “I don’t know where I am, but I know where I’m going.” _What the hell kind of ominous bullshit was that?_

“You…oh my god, I’m calling the cops. Stay right the fuck where you are. Got it?”

Jaemin nodded numbly.

“Nana?! Jaemin?! Jaemin, love. Talk to me.”

“Injun, I’m tired.”

“I know, honey. I know, but you’re about to do something really stupid, okay? I know you’re about to do something really fucking dumb, and that’s coming from me, right? Is…Is it too late? Did you take something? Did you-fuck. Did you take those motherfucking pills?! I swear to god-”

“yea.” With him, yea. They were right in his pocket.

“Oh my fuck. Honey? Baby, please,” Renjun’s voice cut off into a sob.

Jeno was in the background, talking to him. “what’d he say? He-he…the pills are in his stomach?”

“No, they’re not.”

“no? E-explain, then. Help papa understand, yea?”

Oh no.

Jaemin’s head felt weird.

“they’re in my pocket.”

“oh my-oh my-ok. Ok, honey. Don’t touch them. Ok?”

“…but I gotta.”

“why do you have to, darling?”

“I can’t do this anymore.”

“I know it’s hard, honey, but remember? Remember the things you love? Singing, pandas, you…you love pandas. They’re so cute, right?”

“…yea.”

“You’d never get to see them again. Don’t you wanna see one in real life? To be up close and meet a panda? You told me they cling onto their caretakers and don’t let go, right? Don’t you wanna be hugged by a little panda?”

“…Injun, I’m _tired._ ”

“then why don’t you tell papa what street you’re on so we can get you? Ok? And then we can all sleep together. Ok?”

“Don’t use that. That’s not fair. Don’t make me…don’t make me slip. That’s not fair.”

“I know, honey. I’m sorry. You have to know I’m sorry. I can’t-… None of this is fair in the slightest. I gotta play dirty. This thing doesn’t play fair. Sometimes it’s too far gone for reason. …Jaemin? Keep talking to papa, ok? What street are you on, honey?”

Jaemin lowered onto the ground, sitting on the sidewalk. “…papa?”

“I’m here, cinnamon-roll.”

“I’m tired.”

“I know, baby. Just. Um. Shit. Can you turn on your location?”

“…ok.”

“thank you, honey. Stay on the phone with me, okay?”

“I wanna die papa.”

Renjun sucked in a sharp breath. “I. _Snowflake_. Why would you say that? …I know. It’s hard. Just stay there, just a little longer. And we’ll talk about it. I promise.”

“Promise?”

“yes, honey. You won’t move right? Just stay there. Ok? Everything will be ok. Alright? Just don’t move.”

Jaemin sighed. “fine.”

The car showed up forty-five minutes later.

The door opened.

Jeno’s strong arms picked him up.

Renjun’s hand clutched his and didn’t let go.

“Let’s go home, love. Let’s go home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was super into this and on the verge of tears, and then my mom came home & she sprained her freaking ankle, so I had to take a break, so...the end might be bad. :'D I hope it's ok


	22. karaoke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaemin does karaoke and gets sick, and then he gets sad, and then happy again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I threw up doing karaoke earlier today and this was born :D it got a little angstier than intended, but I hope it's ok.

“I wanna sing karaoke.”

Renjun smiled. “ok, baby,” he said easily. He loaded up YouTube on his phone. “What song?”

Jaemin’s eyebrows furrowed. “Dunno.” Jaemin looked down at Petal. “What do you want me to sing?”

_Hm. All of me?_

“Can it be all of me please?” Jaemin asked.

Renjun smiled softly. “Of course.” He handed the phone down to Jaemin. “Just press play when you’re ready.”

Jaemin rolled around on the bean bag to get comfortable, sitting on his stomach. He pressed play, and as the music came on, he started singing, missing the adoring looks Jeno and Renjun shared.

“He’s too fucking precious,” Renjun whined quietly, not wanting to disrupt Jaemin.

Jeno nodded, just as smitten. “I wanna just pick him up and eat him."

Jaemin finished the song, his hands made into fists, clenching and unclenching excitedly. “Another, another one.”

Jeno got off the couch, kneeling next to Jaemin to pick up the phone. “What’s next, honeybunny?”

Jaemin turned to Petal.

_What’s another old song?_

“What’s another old song?”

Jeno thought for a moment. “I can look up early 2000’s karaoke. Would that work?”

Jaemin nodded. He leaned in to watch Jeno type into the search box.

“Aw, look. There’s playlists. Which one should we look at, nana?”

Jaemin pointed to the first one.

“Here, you can just scroll through and pick which one you wanna do.”

“ok” Jaemin nodded attentively. Jeno ruffled his hair.

“ok, you got it? Here~” He laid the phone back on the ground.

Jaemin looked through the playlist, somewhat picky, but he lit up when he reached a bunch of high school musical songs.

Perhaps Jaemin shouldn’t have been laying on his stomach after just eating, because when he was in the middle of breaking free, he coughed and threw up a little, a few dribbles smattering onto the bean bag.

“Oh, dear lord.” Renjun zoomed over to Jaemin. “No, honey. I’ll get a napkin. Don’t wipe it with your sleeve. Is there any more coming?”

Jaemin shook his head. “Jus’ that.”

“ok. Are you ok?” he asked.

“Yea.” Jaemin looked at the beanbag. “Sorry. I’ll clean it up,” he said, going to wipe it with his sleeve again.

Jeno gently reached out and pulled away Jaemin’s arm. He had a napkin in his hand, and a glass of water in the other. “I got it, darling. Only use your shirt in emergencies, okay?” Jeno wiped the beanbag, dabbing a little of the water on the wet spots left behind. He lifted the glass to Jaemin. “Can you gurgle a little? It’ll help get the taste out of your mouth.”

Jaemin followed his instructions and when he was finished, he got up to put the glass away.

“I got it, I got it,” Renjun said, taking the glass. He wasn’t expecting that to make Jaemin burst into tears. “Nana?!”

“’M sorry. Didn’t mean to,” he sobbed, hands covering his face.

“It’s okay, we’re not mad,” Renjun reassured panickily. His hands hovered, unsure. “baby, what’s wrong?”

“’M sorry,” was all Jaemin repeated.

“Can we touch you?” Jeno asked gently.

Jaemin jerked his head in a nod.

He wrapped his arms around Jaemin, shushing him. “…it’s ok. Why don’t you go back to singing?”

Jaemin lowered slowly to curl into a ball, the boys following him down. “We got you. It’s ok.”

“Don’t tell mom. Don’t tell mom. Please,”

Renjun growled low in his throat at that.

“Your mom’s not here. It’s ok. We’re not gonna get mad at you, ok? If we do, we’ll never yell, never be mean. You’re safe here.”

“you’re safe,” Jeno echoed.

Jaemin nodded, wiping his eyes with little fists. “ok. Sorry,”

“You don’t have to apologize,” Renjun said.

Jaemin nodded again. “’K.”

Jeno rubbed Jaemin’s arm to comfort him. “Wanna sing some more? Might make you feel better.” Jaemin nodded. Jeno pulled Jaemin into his lap, reaching over to grab Renjun’s phone. “Wanna finish this one?”

“…Can we go to the next?”

“yea, course”

“Did you have fun?” Renjun asked, following behind as Jeno piggy backed Jaemin to the bedroom.

Jaemin smiled brightly. “Yea!”

“Just remember.” Renjun looked left and right, before he mock-whispered, “Don’t listen to your mom. She’s a nutcase.”

Jaemin let out a startled laugh as Jeno swatted Renjun’s arm. “Don’t say that,” he hissed, but they could both tell he was trying to keep a straight face.

“We love you unconditionally,” Renjun said, going on his tiptoes to kiss Jaemin’s cheek. “Unconditionally.”


	23. sick, addressing eating

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaemin gets sick, draws, and then talks w Jeno a little bit about his issues with food.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear this was supposed to be fluffy. My hand slipped :') oopsies.

“Jeno, pup, you gotta get up for work,”

Jeno grumbled, snuggling closer to Jaemin. “wanna stay with nana.”

Renjun flicked the back of his head lightly. “c’mon, you literally work from home. Just bring your laptop in here.”

Jeno ignored him, fake snoring.

Renjun let out a laugh despite himself. “you’re so annoying.” He turned around to make his way to the dresser. “I’m gonna get ready.”

Jeno shared a sneaky smile with Jaemin. “I still have ‘bout…three minutes,” Jeno said, checking his watch. He looked back up at Jaemin, just looking at him.

“what?”

“nothin’,” Jeno smiled. “You’re just really beautiful.” He held Jaemin’s face delicately to press their foreheads together.

Jaemin sighed into the touch. He whined when Jeno pulled away suddenly. Jeno’s eyebrows were knitted together. “…nana, your forehead’s really hot. ’jun, love?”

Renjun came back over. He reached out a hand to feel Jaemin’s forehead. “…”

Jaemin looked up at Renjun with big glassy eyes. “’m I sick?”

“I think so, baby. I’m gonna check your temperature, is that ok?”

Jaemin nodded readily, then winced and reached up to clutch his head. “I’m dizzy.”

“yeah…you’re probably really sick. This is why you need to sleep, nana baby. Your immune system can’t do its job when you overwork your body. I’ll be right back, honey.” Renjun left the room to rummage around the drawers in the kitchen for their thermometer.

Jaemin sat up to go follow him. He stood up, swaying on his feet for a minute before Jeno caught him and held him upright.

“whoa. Everything feels so weird.”

“yeah, baby. Let’s just sit here and wait for Injun, ok?”

“ok.”

“open up. Keep it under your tongue, ok?”

“yeah, yeah,” Jaemin said, opening his mouth for the thermometer.

When the thermometer started beeping, worryingly fast, Renjun took it out to look at the number.

“…yea you have a fever alright. You’re staying in bed today, okay?”

“sure.” It wasn’t like he left it much anyway.

“I’ve gotta go to work, but Jeno’ll take care of you while I’m gone, okay?” He turned to address Jeno. “don’t forget to feed him, he needs liquids, and make sure he doesn’t get up too-“

“baby. I got it,” Jeno said, smiling up at him. “Don’t be late for work now.”

Renjun huffed. “okay. Well, I’ll be back at 4 or 5. Call me if you need me.”

“will do.”

“make sure he’s ok.”

“Trust me, darling. I got him.”

“ok, ok. Yea, I trust you. I gotta go okay? Love you both,” he said, leaning in for a quick kiss.

“I love you too.”

“oh, yes we do,” Jeno sang.

“oh my god, ok. Bye,” Renjun said, grabbing his bag on the way out.

“my love is true!” Jeno continued singing loudly as Renjun slipped on his shoes. Renjun rushed to finish tying up the laces and leave, the door closing behind him.

“I better get my laptop,” Jeno said, laughing a little as he got up. “I’ll be right back, okay?”

Jaemin nodded.

He stared at the ceiling while he waited for Jeno to come back.

“ok, I got some water for you. Careful. You got it?” Jeno asked, handing the glass to Jaemin.

Jaemin nodded. “thank you,” he said.

Jeno smiled kindly. “anytime.”

Jaemin stayed in bed, hugging Petal and mindlessly scrolling through Pinterest as Jeno worked quietly. _Hmm. I wanna draw._ He got up to get some paper.

“gah! Sit back down, sit back down.”

Jaemin pouted. “I’m just getting paper.”

“Let me get it, okay? You might fall,” Jeno insisted, grabbing Jaemin’s hands to lower him carefully back onto the bed. He left and came back with a paper, pencil, and a clipboard.

“…thank you,” Jaemin said.

“yea.”

Jaemin drew a little scene of stick people invading a castle. In the background, someone was getting abducted by aliens, and there were several other tiny easter eggs.

“Jeno?”

“yea, honeybee?”

“I…I drew this.” Jaemin shyly showed Jeno his picture.

Jeno looked and then smiled at him, ruffling his hair. “I love it. Is that tiny one killing all those guys in the middle Renjun?”

Jaemin beamed. “yea. I did us too! The one sneaking into the basement is you, and the one shooting from the aeroplane is me.”

“that’s lovely. All of us together, just how it should be.”

Jaemin got tired towards the late afternoon. He ended up with his head in Jeno’s lap, where he was napping peacefully.

“…Nono?”

“yes baby?” Jeno said quietly.

“you almost done?”

“mm, well. No, but I _could_ take a little break.”

“can you, pretty please?”

Jeno smiled. “yeah, I’ll take a break. Just a little one.” He shut off his laptop and set it to the side.

“yay~ Jeno!” Jaemin said, sitting up excitedly. He then clutched at his head.

“gah! careful, nana,” Jeno said, reached out to hold Jaemin steady.

“’s ok”

“Hm. ok. Whatever you say.” He helped Jaemin lay back down in his lap, and Jaemin looked up at him, blinking slowly.

“Jeno?”

“I’m here, baby,” Jeno said, smiling gently. He held out his hands for Jaemin to hold, which he did, automatically clutching on.

“Are you gonna leave?” Jaemin said, staring resolutely at their hands, avoiding Jeno’s gaze altogether.

Jeno felt his heart drop. Jaemin always seemed to drop the bomb in the most random of times.

“Of course I’m not leaving,” he said softly, rubbing the backs of Jaemin’s hands. “what makes you think I might?”

Jaemin shook his head. “’m not good. I eated again.”

“baby, you’re allowed to eat.”

“I can’t. I can’t,” Jaemin said, shaking his head. “can’t.”

“why can’t you?” Jeno whispered.

“’cuz. Be _cause_ ,” Jaemin whined. “there’s so many reasons.”

“can you tell them to me?”

Jaemin sighed. “Control. It’s…It’s about control. ‘Cuz I can’t do anything else, and-and that makes me feel trapped, and I have to control something. And… It’s something that proves something’s wrong; that I’m not just making it up. And I have to be skinny, because I _have_ to be.”

“Why do you have to be?” Jeno asked, voice quiet and eyes big and concerned.

“I’ve always been the skinny one. My sister was normal weight, my other sister was chubby, and I was skinny. And my mom was always so happy that I was so skinny. It felt like it was the only thing she liked. So…so if I get chubby again…” Jaemin trailed off. “I was 140 something pounds, Jeno. What if I get even more this time?”

Jaemin took his hands out of Jeno’s grasp, pulling them up to cover his face.

“honey, you don’t need to hide,” Jeno said softly. He rested his hands on Jaemin’s knees, just keeping contact. Letting him know he was there.

“You don’t need to prove yourself to your mom anymore. You don’t need to fight for her love. She’s not here anymore, y’know? Not in your day-to-day life. You barely see her anymore. She should not have done that. She was supposed to love you unconditionally. That’s what moms do. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault,” Jeno repeated, hugging Jaemin close when his shoulders started to shake.

“It’s not your fault.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Jaemin's reasons for his problems with food might not line up with yours, if so, I'm sorry. I hope it can still help or at least be entertaining.
> 
> Also! 140 lbs is a very healthy weight to be at! Jaemin's bmi was completely healthy!


	24. therapy appointment: his mom and black hole talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaemin talks more about his mom's development as she matures and we look a little more into the black hole analogy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm writing this from my phone send help.

As the doorknob turned, Jaemin flung across the room to stop the music. He hurried to sit on the couch casually, scrolling through his phone. The door opened. He lifted his head with mellow surprise. "Hi."

"Hi sweetie pie," his mom said, taking off her shoes.

Jaemin inwardly cringed.

She changed into her slippers and started towards the bathroom, on her way calling back, "I have good news. You can show me some videos while I eat lunch."

Jaemin sat up straight. "Oh," he said dumbly.

"Yea. Just give me fifteen minutes."

The bathroom door clicked shut behind her.

It wasn't fair; to suddenly play nice to him, but none of his siblings. To be nice randomly and pretend she never did anything wrong. To think that she had the right to call him by a loving pet name. By god, Jaemin was confused.

-

"Yes, I understand why that would be confusing," his therapist said.

Jaemin bit his lip. "So when they call me sweetie, it kinda triggers thoughts about her?”

"Have you told them that?" she asked.

"...no."

"Why not?"

Jaemin thought for a moment. "I don't know."

"How do you think they would react if you told them?"

"I dunno. They would stop."

"Do you think you can tell them?"

"..."

"Jaemin?"

"I dunno. I don't want to make a big deal out of it," he said softly. "It'll just add to the list of things they do for me."

"Is avoiding a word really that difficult?"

Jaemin squeezed his eyes shut. "That's not the point."

"What is the point then?" she asked calmly.

"The point is they won't be even able to talk to me anymore without having to be careful. The point is that I'm tired of just being goddamn hindrance!"

"Let's take a breath now, ok?"

Jaemin's jaw clenched.

"Our depression can sometimes make us not think rationally. It's common to feel that you're a burden. It's just the depression talking."

Jaemin barked out laugh. "Yeah? What does the depression say when I lay in bed all day, every day, leeching off everyone, making everyone miserable? It's not the fucking depression," he said, glaring daggers into the ground. "At this point, it's me."

"How can we work on being better then?"

"I don't wanna be better," Jaemin snarled. "I wanna be dead."


	25. tolerance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jaemin takes a walk and tries to practice tolerating life

Jaemin kept walking.

Tolerance. The willingness to tolerate something. The new ‘great thing’ that would make his life better.

He kicked a pebble on the sidewalk and kept walking.

How do you tolerate shit?

“How do I tolerate shit?” Jaemin asked the wind.

There was no answer.

“this whole ‘life’ thing fuckin’ blows,” he muttered.

 **It** was no longer an option. His happy pills kept giving him hope and fear and now, he was just as scared of death as anyone else. So no more scheming, no more running. Facing things head on and whatever.

But facing things head on was a lot more boring than he thought it would be. Deciding not to die was rather anticlimactic.

Fuck tolerance. How do you face life head on? Jaemin’s head hurt.

“Petal. How do I get a will to live?”

There was only silence.

“yeah, that’s what I thought.”

Jaemin kinda wanted to do something drastic. Something dangerous.

 _Let me think,_ Petal chided. _I need time to think about it._

“ok. whatever.” Jaemin closed his eyes.

It snowed last night. There was a sprinkle of snow on everything, and with the still-colored trees and the fallen leaves, Jaemin thought it looked kind of ugly.

_Jaemin, you’re different. Why am I here? I don’t like you when you’re like this._

Jaemin huffed on a laugh. “I’m bored. I wanna get that _positive energy_ so I can…not be like this. I’m too fuckin tired to do anything fun.”

_Well, I’m glad you’re asking for help._

“don’t push it,” he warned.

_I just thought I was going to have to sit and…and watch._

“yeah, not today.” Jaemin hung his head. “…Petal…I hate when I’m like this.”

_So do I._

“these mood swings are such a _nuisance_. It’s like I’m a totally different person. But not. Nobody else can notice it. Why can nobody else notice it? Is it all just in my head?" Jaemin smacked his head with his hand. “my stupid fucking head. Y’know what’s happened today Petal? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.”

_Not every second is gonna be wonderful, Nana._

“Yeah, but why? How do I _not_ be miserable?”

_I think this is where the tolerance part kicks in._

Jaemin’s jaw clenched shut as he held back a scream. “So how do I tolerate?”

_Well, the whole thing on radical acceptance was about willingness, not willfulness. These miserable feelings aren’t bad, they’re just feelings. So accepting these empty moments with open arms and welcoming them might help you._

Jaemin waved across the street to a woman that was staring. “Today is a blessing,” he told her. “Acceptance builds tolerance.”

She blinked.

Jaemin kept walking.

“So do I just practice acceptance? Is that it?”

_Yeah, I think._

Jaemin hummed. “Alright. Um…today is a day that’s empty, and I’m not angry at all that it is that way.”

_Well, you don’t have to lie. Try: today is a day that’s empty, and I’m angry, and I’m working to live with the emptiness._

“I’m learning to work with the emptiness.” Jaemin frowned. “that’s really sad, actually.”

_Sad is okay._

“Sad is okay.”

_It hurts, but it’s part of life._

“It hurts, but it’s part of life.”

_And I accept life as it is. Sadness and all._

“And I…accept life as it is. Sadness…and all.”

_Because sadness is not bad._

“because sadness is not bad.

“…”

Jaemin turned around midstep to go back home.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all this chapters shit but i feel bad abt not updating.


	26. loneliness and gloves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaemins lonely so he hits up Jeno and they go on a walk together :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Imagine being reinspired to write by watching ‘willy Wonka being my favorite character for 5 mins’  
> anyway, hope u enjoy ^^

Jaemin side eyed his mom’s hunched over figure. She was hard at work, writing a paper for her classes. Busy. He felt lonely. Jaemin felt really, really lonely.

He just wanted to talk to someone, but no one wanted to hear him.

Jaemin walked back to his room dejectedly. He got on his bed and curled around Petal, hugging them close to his chest. “Petal,” he whispered lowly. “I don’t know how much longer I can make it.”

_Jaemin, just talk to me. You can talk to me._

“…ok. Um. Well, today I’m not super depressed, which is nice, I guess, and I’m not super empty, which is nice. I just…I wanna talk to somebody. I feel really lonely, but I don’t even know what to talk about.”

_Well, what have you been up to today?_

“I’ve been watching youtube…just watching youtube.”

_Yeah? Anything you wanna show mom?_

Jaemin frowned. “well, yeah. There’s a lot of pins I found, but I doubt she’ll care. I don’t know why I even bother.” He squeezed Petal tighter. “do you think…do you think if I texted Jeno or Junnie they’d write back?”

_Yeah, I think so._

“I…” Jaemin trailed off, staring into space.

_Jaemin?_

“yea”

_Are you okay?_

“mm. Just want someone. I want mommy.”

_Careful. She’ll pitch a fit if she hears you calling her that._

Jaemin nodded. “I just want a mummy,” he said, ducking his head as tears streaked his face. “to care about me ‘n be nice.”

_Nanan, why don’t you text Jeno, ok? He’s always nice. He’ll be gentle._

Jaemin patted his arm over the bed, trying to find his phone.

you

Hi

His hand hovered over the send button.

_You can send it. Jeno likes you. He does._

Jaemin sent it.

About five minutes later, his phone dinged. Jaemin may or may not have stared at the screen waiting the whole time.

Jeno <3

Hi :)

Whats up?

You

Nothing much

How r u

Jeno <3

Im good :) hbu

You

Im good too

Jeno <3

Awesome ^^

You

Yea

Jeno <3

Whats happening at the na house

You

Not a lot

Im bored

Jeno <3

Wanna meet at the park then

You

:D

Jeno <3

:D

Ok see u then

Jaemin hopped up to get his coat.

-

“it’s getting cold,” Jeno greeted him with as Jaemin walked up to him.

“yea.”

“are you okay?”

Jaemin nodded. “’m just bored.”

Jeno looked suspicious but didn’t push it. “alright nana. Alright. You wanna just walk around?”

“yea, sure.”

They started off, crunching through the leftover snow in their not-for-winter sneakers.

“so how’s your weekend been?”

Jaemin shrugged. “it’s been ok. My mom’s been busy.”

“aw, nuts. Are you sisters all at your dad’s?”

“yeah.” Jaemin snorted. “they avoid her like the plague.”

Jeno’s mouth turned up.

“everybody that knows mom knows she’s crazy.” Jaemin sighed.

“…Anyway, I had a scary ass dream last night where I kept drawing circles on the ground with my mind, and I couldn’t control it, so they locked me in a room by myself. I was like, insane, dude.”

Jeno nodded. “yea, dreams have been bad for a lot of people lately. Renjun keeps having nightmares.”

“oh. Is he ok? Nightmares are awful.”

“he’s ok-ish. I guess he’s used to it.”

Jaemin side-stepped a dead squirrel in the road. There was a minute of silence as the wind sped up again. “Geez it’s cold,” Jeno hissed through his teeth. He moved closer to Jaemin for warmth. Strictly for warmth. Their shoulders brushed as they stepped.

Jaemin looked down and frowned. “why do you and Injun never wear gloves?”

Jeno shrugged. “I forgot.”

“and you wonder why it’s cold.” Jaemin shook his head, wiggling off one glove.

Jeno jumped as his hand was suddenly being held. “nana?” he asked questioningly, ears turning red.

“I’m not just gonna let you lose your fingers.”

“um”

“Take it, take it,” Jaemin said, nudging Jeno with the glove.

Jeno hesitantly took the glove and put it on, Jaemin reclaiming his bare hand when he was done.

“see? Now we’re both warm,” Jaemin said, smiling.

Jeno stared at him, before a stupid smile grew on his face that he just couldn’t hide. “yea. I guess you’re right.”

-

“I trust you.”

They were all sitting in the living room, doing their own thing on their phones. Jaemin sat crisscross apple sauce on the floor leaning against Jeno’s legs, scrolling through pinterest. His panda board was growing.

“I trust both of you,” Jaemin said carefully.

Jeno ran a hand through Jaemin’s hair. “I’ll do my best to keep it earned,” he said softly.

Jaemin smiled up at him, and it was so easy, that moment. It was so easy; to just be in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ;-; ty all for the lovely comments u've been leaving. They warm my heart.


	27. (trust), uncensorship, opening up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> remember when jeno pulled jaemin off the bridge? here's what came out of that. There's a lot of talking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bru I can't do fluff. It's impossible. ;-; I shall work on my fluffy chapter, and until then, here's a chapter today :)

Jaemin got called out of his room. He had visitors. He walked down the hallway to the 'living room' and looked around for the little traitors. Jaemin made his way over to the table and pulled out a chair, sitting down. He decided to skip the formalities. “I trusted you.” Each word was enunciated with care.

“I know.”

“and you tricked me.”

“I know.”

“and now I’m locked up here again, too fucked up on drugs to even think.”

“I know,” Jeno said, eyes red-rimmed and watering. “I’m sorry,” he said.

Jaemin kept his gaze on the ceiling. “was it too much to ask for? To just be done?”

“…”

“thank you for driving out here, but I don’t think you should come again.”

Jeno bit into his fist to quiet a sob.

Jaemin shook his head. “you don’t need to cry for me. I’m good now. I’m high off life, man.”

“Nana, don’t do that.”

“don’t do what? Say what I need to say to get out of here? I’m safe. Totally safe and sound. I learned my lesson and will never, ever try and jump again. I know now what I would’ve left behind. A fucking traitor and his boyfriend.”

“Nana, stop. You’re being mean.”

Jaemin lowered his head to look at Renjun. “am I?”

“yeah.” Renjun said.

“you always say to open up, so here’s me, opening up. Turns out it’s not that nice to see.” Jaemin sighed. “you gonna leave now? Leave the bitter old grandpa to die alone?”

“We’re not leaving you. How many times will it take for you to believe that?” Renjun asked exasperatedly.

“yea you are. You’re gonna leave, ‘cause my insides are rotten.”

“That’s not fucking true. Don’t say that.”

Jaemin ignored him. “Why’d you stop me anyway? I’m sure it would’ve taken a load of stress off your shoulders.”

“yea, replaced by you being dead,” Renjun said sharply.

“well let’s not be selfish assholes for once, then. Let’s think about how I feel about this whole thing, ‘cause I sure as hell don’t think there’d be a load of much anything for me to carry if I wasn’t here.”

Jeno looked between the two. “look, nana. I’m glad you’re un-censoring yourself, okay? But I don’t think this is the right ti-”

“I’m just fucking tired. I’m so fucking tired of day in, day out. Waiting for the night. Night comes and then I’m waiting for the day.”

“you wouldn’t have to if you got off your ass and stopped it with the pity party.”

Jaemin sat up slowly, facing Renjun. “what the fuck did you say to me?”

“I said to get off your ass.” Renjun said. “Nobody else is gonna do it for you.”

“I don’t _want_ to get off my ass! I _want_ to be _dead_! It’s my _fucking_ life! So why do you get to choose for me?”

“you’re _sick_ , nana!”

“Not all of it is my stupid fucking head! I’m not sick! It’s me as well! The lazy, self-pitying, selfish, stupid, useless Jaemin Na! This is the full package!” he yelled with a twisted grin. “So just _leave_ and let me self-destruct in peace!”

“No,” Jeno said firmly. “All we do is go around in circles with this. You’re strong enough to beat this. I know you don’t think you are, but you _are_.”

“great. Thanks.”

Jeno glared. “I’m serious.”

“do you not understand that I need to die?” Jaemin asked, on the edge of hysterical.

“why?”

“I’ll give you a reason. I’ll give you fuckin’ twenty.”

“do it then.”

“I’m useless.”

“subjective.”  
Jaemin glared. “every day hurts.”

“every _single_ day? Are you _absolutely_ sure? _What about the highs_? When you’re feeling music, when you’re laughing genuine laughter-the kind that you can’t control. You smile sometimes. Not always, and sometimes it’s fake, but you smile sometime throughout the day at least half of the week. You _glow_ sometimes, don’t you remember?”

Jaemin sighed. “you hurt my fucking head, y’know that Jeno?”

“yea.”

“god.” Jaemin put his head in his hands.

“your pain is real. But isn’t happiness too? The highs will come again, jellybean. And between them, we learn to tolerate it.”

“but why not die?”

“can you tell me 100% of you needs to die? There isn’t one strand of hope? Or at least fear? If there isn’t, then-then fine. But tell me honestly.”

“…” Jaemin’s shoulders shuddered.

“oh, shit.”

“can we touch you?”

Jaemin shook his head jerkily.

“okay, okay. We won’t. It’s ok. It’s gonna be okay.”

“how do you know?”

Renjun shrugged. “‘cause I’m from the future.”

“you’re such a fucking cunt, you know that?”

“I’m your cunt.”

-

“I trust you not to hurt me.”

They both nodded, eyes shiny.

“I trust you. I think. Both of you. I…need time. But…I do trust you.”

Renjun gave Jaemin a little smile. “I trust you with everything but yourself, love.”

“that’s…fair.” Jaemin looked down, twiddling with his fingers. “anyways, so I wanna try and be more open, right?”

They nodded.

“So I just, um, I dunno. Sometimes I’m mad. And sometimes I’m a lazy slob. And I really don’t know what I’m going to do for the rest of my life.”

“hey, one step at a time,” Renjun said, reaching up to flick Jaemin’s head lightly. “once you can function, then we’ll think about shit like the rest of life.”

“okay.”

“anyways, I’m proud of you. I know you’re a self-pitying moron, and I love that about you. We balance each other out. I’m proud of you for finishing your plate at dinner and brushing your teeth this morning. All the little bullshit that matters in the long run. You’re doing fine baby, ok? You’re doing just fine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> renjun was a little mean. he deffo apologized :') I think jaemin needs someone to push him, to fire him up maybe. I can't figure out how else to fit that in than this. he needs to be pushed, not shoved. I dunno. i'll come around and try to figure stuff out. they started out rly delicate w each other, but now there's some teasing and stuff. I don't know whats happening ;-;
> 
> i hope you are all well. If you aren't, I hope everything eases soon for a little while <3 ty for reading


	28. victim, weight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> short chappie where i project my last couple days onto jaemin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi there lovelies! I'm trying to work on some stuff, here's another short chapter while it's being written.

“you have to earn it,” Jaemin said dully. Why did he have to open his big fat mouth again?

His mother was pacing the apartment, hands digging into her eyes. “Look, I know I fucked up as a parent. I’m going to have to live with that forever. Am I a horrible person?” she asked suddenly, crazed eyes focusing on Jaemin. “Y’know sometimes I think of just doing it, like my mother did.”

Great. Oversharing time.

“I never had a good relationship with _my_ mother. But then she died, and I wondered…what could have happened if she hadn’t hung herself? If she waited just a few years?”

“Don’t guilt me.”

“Am I trying to guilt you? No! How am I guilting you?”

Jaemin inwardly rolled his eyes. “you’re talking yourself out of taking accountability by making yourself a victim. _You’re_ the one that killed our relationship. I was a _kid._ If you want a relationship with me, you have to earn it.”

“ok, ok. How do I earn it?” she asked.

_I don’t know why I bother. She’s just going to forget by tomorrow._

“Just, be a parent. Not a cool friend that cleans the house and makes the food. That’s not- that’s not parenting. Actually _listen_ to me when I talk, and don’t interrupt me-“

“when do I interrupt you? I always listen.”

Jaemin clenched his jaw shut. _Does she even realize the irony?_ “Never mind. You don’t. I’m just in a mood.”

His mom sighed in relief. “ok, good.” She changed the topic, eager to talk with Jaemin. He never talked to her! “Have I told you how cute you look recently? Now that you don’t have greasy hair, and you’re back to skinny, and you wear all those big clothes; you look just like a little doll!”

“ _Mom._ ”

“what?” she asked.

“I’ve told you how it makes me feel when you bring up my weight.”

She sputtered. “how is this bad? It’s a compliment!”

“compliments just add pressure.”

“Jaemin. I didn’t know _you_ were one of those people. I thought you didn’t care about how you looked. Isn’t that a little, y’know, girly?”

“…I’m going out.”

“wait, Jaemin. Wait!”

He didn’t listen to her, storming outside, fighting away angry tears.

Jaemin came to the empty park. It was dark, and there didn’t seem to be anyone around, so he rammed his fist into the nearest tree. Again and again.

_Come on, come on. Don’t be a weak bitch._

He loved the pain. How he could barely move his fingers. This was manly, right? Violence? ‘Cause he wasn’t some girly boy with eating issues.

Jaemin eventually collapsed onto the ground, completely spent.

_Why do I even try?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ty for reading ^^


	29. eating, i need attention, numbing emotions to cope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> eating troubles and having to deal with feelings. But why deal with them when u can just ignore them?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm in a bit of a writer's block so i hope you'll bare with me as these updates aren't the most fruitful.

Jaemin stared at the plate of last night’s casserole.

“C’mon nana, just one more bite?”

It tasted like cardboard. Jaemin shook his head. “’m not hungry.”

“I know, love. Your body still needs food though,” Jeno told him quietly. The meal was grossly silent. They were looking, trying not to stare. Their gazes were suffocating.

Jaemin forced another forkful into his mouth. He almost spit it right back out, but there they were looking, pleading him to eat one more bite. So, he ignored how nauseous it made him feel and swallowed.

“good job, peanut.”

Jaemin could feel the start of tears.

He was down by 3 pounds. He couldn’t gain them back _now_.

“Jaemin? Are you ok lovely?”

“yeah. I’m just not that hungry.”

-

His mom kept changing the radio. It was dark, even though it was only 7:30. The stores and houses had little lights that lit up the evening in a homey glow. Jaemin stuck his head out the window to feel the wind.

It was a failure of a night.

Jaemin had tried to talk more, and he _did_. But there were only so many panda clips you could show your sisters before they stopped looking.

A little bit of his heart broke when even his younger sister stopped smiling.

 _This is why I don’t try_ , Jaemin thought, as he closed his eyes to the wind. He couldn’t talk about one thing for hours and expect them to be interested. But it was all he had to say. There wasn’t anything else filling up his days. No gossip, or events.

It was stupid to get upset over such a trivial thing. Jaemin was 17 now. He couldn’t beg for attention and affection.

Jaemin felt lonely. He felt things in his chest that needed to get out. Feelings, dreams, stories.

Jaemin welcomed the numbness when it washed over him.


	30. routine, hw: attention

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jaemin wakes up, they do their morning routine. Then, he tries to do some therapy homework, but gets upset. Thankfully this time around, Jeno was there to comfort him in his time of need.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope this chapter's ok :D i always forget what i wanted to say in these when it comes time to post ^^' I'll try and start writing it down.

Stability.

A word Jaemin never thought he’d be able to use.

Stability was the word that came to Jaemin’s head as he was woken by his two loves, gently. Always gently.

“oh Mr. weatherman,” Renjun singsonged. He brushed Jaemin’s hair away from his face. “time to wake up.”

Jaemin blinked open his eyes to see Renjun sitting on the edge of the bed, fully dressed.

Jeno was just sitting up. “mm. What is the weather today?” he asked.

Jaemin thought for a moment. “partly sunny I think.”

Jeno smiled brightly. “awesome.” He reached for his glasses on the nightstand, getting up and ready to start the day. Jaemin reluctantly got up as well, getting a kiss on the cheek from Renjun as a reward.

“I’m gonna go get breakfast ready. You think you can make the bed?”

Jaemin nodded. He got the lamest jobs to do in the house. Simple things that didn’t take too much effort. His therapist said it was important to make your bed every day and have a routine and structure. Jaemin obediently tucked the sheets back in and made his way to the kitchen.

“are you gonna brush your teeth after breakfast or something?”

“yeah,” Jaemin said. “you’re supposed to wait 30 minutes after you eat though.”

Renjun looked at him suspiciously. “are you gonna do it? You know I won’t be here.”

“I will, I will.”

“alright. Good boy.”

Once Jeno came out they ate breakfast together, always together. Renjun left for work, and Jeno went to his ‘office’, and Jaemin was left to his own vices. He had therapy homework to do. Sighing, he grabbed a sheet of paper and got to work.

She had asked him to explore his selfishness, particularly with attention. His parent’s attention. Apparently, Jaemin was a little too not-selfish and didn’t get enough love from mom as a kid. Wasn’t it good to be selfless? It was funny how everything he was told to do, turned out to be the bringing of his demise.

She had also asked him how he’d been eating, and he lied through his teeth, but she didn’t need to know about that.

Jaemin put his pen to the paper.

_I couldn’t ask for attention. Mom would brush us off or get mad, and dad was always working. I was too shy to ask my teachers, and my mom told me to go away and play with my sisters, even when we were fighting and I was asking for help. I tried to ask her. Mom was busy, but It wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t my fault that I turned out like this._

A spot appeared on the paper. Then another.

He was crying.

Jaemin hung his head, squeezing his eyes shut.

Jeno was on his way to get water when he spotted Jaemin’s quivering form. “babybear?” he asked, heart aching.

“I’m fine. I’m fine. Go back to work,” Jaemin told him through sniffles.

Like hell would he leave Jaemin when he was obviously distressed. “can I touch you?”

Jaemin’s shoulders slumped defeatedly. “…yea.”

Jeno came to sit next to him on the floor. He put his arms around Jaemin, holding him close, resting Jaemin’s head on his chest. “what’s wrong honey?”

Jaemin handed Jeno the paper, hoping it would be enough to explain _something_.

“oh, honey.” Jeno kissed the top of Jaemin’s head. “I’m sorry. It _wasn’t_ your fault that you didn’t get the love you needed. It’s important you do know and believe that. Do you know it really isn’t?”

Jaemin just clung on.

“Sh. It’s ok. Breathe,” Jeno told him softly. “I love you, okay? I love you. I love you. Just breathe.”

After the tears dried, Jaemin became more aware. “shouldn’t you go back to work?” he asked.

“yea, prolly.” Jeno thought for a moment. “Do you wanna come sit with me?”

“C’mon, let’s go. You can sit with me.”

And by sit with him, he meant sit on his lap. Once Jaemin was seated comfortably, Jeno reached his arms around him to get back to typing codes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 12/28 I'm up to here in editing ^^ yay!  
> 2/28/21 i feel like a trash writer. i am one with the trash. accept it and keep moving forward, yknow? Nothing wrong with being trash. fr. i'll still love u the same.


	31. Jeno vs. the outside and comforting, wishes, lovely winter day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeno gets upset trying to go outside, they go back in and comfort him and they chat about the past and the future. Then, Jaemin is in a loving mood and wants to share it uwu

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy~ this chapters a little bit of a fluffy one :^)

It was time to go visit Jaemin’s mom’s house. Jeno was freaking out, and he wasn’t telling anybody. He was self-sacrificial like that. Jaemin thought it was stupid. “are you ok,” He asked for the millionth time.

Jeno nodded, giving a flimsy smile.

“you don’t have to go, y’know,” Jaemin said. “I’m sure junnie and me can manage.”

“You really can’t. If I don’t go, they’ll start the next world war.”

Jaemin grimaced. “okay, well I can just cancel. She’ll probably cry, but I don’t really care.”

Jeno shook his head. “she’s your mom. You have to go. It’s been like a year.”

“yea, but you’re more important. You’re getting really worked up. I can tell,” Jaemin said. He brushed his thumb over Jeno’s cheekbone, pouting sadly. “Just let us help you?”

Jeno smiled, but said all the same, “I’ll be okay.”

He wasn’t quite right.

“whoa.” Jeno said quietly.

“My whole body’s going numb. Is that normal?”

“…alright, let’s get back inside. I’m calling my mom. We’re going another time.”

“but-“

“no, no. Puppy. It’s okay,” Renjun said, turning the car off. “Let’s not push ourselves too far, hm?”

“I _can_ do it,” Jeno protested, squeezing his eyes shut. “I can do it. I can do it.”

“hey,” Jaemin said, reaching out to take his wrist. “it’s ok. None of us wanna go anyway.”

Jeno sighed. “I’m sorry,” he muttered.

Renjun patted his head. “it’s no rush. The more time I have away from that gremlin witch, the better.”

“let’s get you back inside,” Jaemin said. He slid his hand down to curl his fingers around Jeno’s. “do you think you can walk?”

Jeno swallowed. “um.”

“that’s ok. That’s ok,” Jaemin assured. “Is it alright if I carry you?”

“I…yea.”

Jaemin carefully picked Jeno up princess style and got them out of the car, and they made their way to get back inside, Renjun stroking Jeno’s forehead as they walked.

“I don’t give a shit if it takes you _forever_ to get outside. As long as you’re happy. Are you happy?”

Jeno smiled a little. “very.”

Renjun grinned back. “then who cares how long it’ll be? Fuck functioning as a normal human being,” he said.

They made it to the door. Renjun pulled out his keys and unlocked the door, holding it open for Jaemin.

As they ducked through the door, Jeno let out a laugh. “The three of us make a pretty messed up trio, huh?” It was true. Jeno couldn’t leave the house, Jaemin couldn’t leave his bed, and Renjun held a roaring anger against the whole world, though was better managed these days.

“Honestly,” Renjun said. “Fuck functioning as a normal human being. We’ll carve our own damn path.”

Jaemin thought for a minute. “I’d like that,” he said, carefully setting Jeno down on the bed. Renjun sat next to them and started combing his fingers through Jeno’s hair.

“you wanna run away like in high school?” he asked. “On that stupid trip where you stole your mom’s car.”

Jeno closed his eyes. “I wouldn’t be against it. We could just run forever.”

“till we reach the end,” Jaemin murmured softly. “we’ll find the end of the rainbow. And there, it’ll be…perfect.”

Renjun looked at him then like he was made of delicate crystals. “what does perfect look like for you?”

Jaemin gave a dreamy smile, trying to imagine perfect. “I don’t know. You and Jeno and me all together, but a universe where…where I’m not empty.”

“a universe where I’m not scared of outside,” Jeno added.

Renjun tilted his head. “a universe where,” he went quiet for a moment. “my grandfather died before everything.” The words held a weight to them that seemed to be pressing down on the room.

Jeno sighed. “I’m tired.”

“tired or _tired_ tired?”

“Just tired.” Jeno flopped down so he was lying on the bed. “rip visiting your mom. ‘m sorry. I’m a mess,” he said, wiping his hands over his face.

Jaemin clicked his tongue. “If she’s so desperate, we can facetime. There’s no need to be sorry. Okay?”

“okay.”

-

It was getting colder out.

Jaemin was under a blanket, sitting at Jeno and Renjun’s feet, reading a love story because he was a romantic sap. It was one of those stories that touch your very soul. That made Jaemin so happy he could cry. He felt it deep, in his chest. Steady, pulsing like the beating of his heart.

Jaemin continued humming a slow, romantic melody to himself, the vibrations rumbling comfortingly. And he let himself feel.

It was a rare feeling that washed over him. Jaemin was calm and happy, but thoughtful. His chest was just barely aching, but it felt warm and _good_. But most of all, he felt _love_. So much love inside him.

Jaemin climbed up onto the couch with his blanket. He put his arms around Jeno, melting in the warmth of Jeno’s body. Jeno laughed happily, hugging him back. Then Jaemin went over to Renjun to smother him with love as well.

“I love you both so, so much. I just love you. And you make me so happy and make me wanna be a better person.”

Renjun cooed. “we love you too snowflake.”

“of course. So, so, _so_ much,” Jeno said.

Jaemin couldn’t help his dopey smile at the affirmations as he settled in next to Renjun. Renjun smiled as Jaemin reached an arm around his shoulders, leaning into the touch. “you’re in an awfully good mood today. I’m glad,” he said softly. Renjun tilted his head upward to kiss Jaemin on the cheek.

“me too.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ty guys reading this for sticking around. It means an awful lot. The comments some of y'all leave make me so happy. I hope you guys are enjoying this fic. Deffo constructive criticism is totally welcomed and appreciated :D
> 
> anyways, if any of u guys ever need someone to talk to, I'm all ears, ok? the comment section is open for ranting and rly anything u wanna write ^^
> 
> I'm gonna go sleep now


	32. eating, therapy: reasoning skills

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jaemin talks more about his eating w therapist.

It was a dumb idea. Jaemin had texted his little sister, out of everyone.

You

Im taking a poll. Should I eat lunch

Best friend

Uh

No :^)

Fuck.

It was a dumb idea to ask for permission to eat. Especially from her. Seeing as she said no.

He wanted to eat.

But he’d been told no.

So…he didn’t.

-

“ok so I have a confession.”

There was silence for a few moments.

“what’s the confession Jaemin?”

He looked down at the ground guiltily as he told her. “my eating is a little fucked again.”

“well, first of all, I’m glad you told me,” his therapist said. “it couldn’t have been easy.”

Jaemin shook his head.

“how long has this been happening?”

“a few weeks I think.”

She nodded. “why do you think it came back?”

“um. I dunno,” Jaemin said, slouching further down the chair.

“what thoughts come when you think about eating in general?”

“um. I’m hungry. And that’s good ‘cuz it means I’m losing weight. But it’s bad ‘cuz it’s unhealthy and I just wanna eat.”

“right. So what thoughts come that stop you from eating?”

“I wanna be a skinny legend.”

His therapist chuckled quietly. “Alright. why do you want to be a skinny legend?” she asked.

Jaemin shrugged. “it’s the only thing I can do well with no effort. Um. I’m like. Good at it. I’m the skinny one.”

He had no idea if he was making sense.

His therapist seemed to take it in stride. “what are some other things you’re good at that take little effort?”

“mmm…drawing.”

She nodded again. “so if there’s less harmful things that you do well, _why not eat_?”

“no, like. But…If I gain weight then they act all happy and like everything’s fine and dandy. But it’s not. Even though I’m getting better, I…I don’t wanna get better.”

“why don’t you want to get better?” his therapist asked.

“’cuz...’cuz…I don’t know.”

“it’s normal to feel afraid of recovery. It’s all you’ve known for a while, so change can be scary,” she told him. “It’s normal to accept depression and mental illness as your identity, and once it’s gone, what’s left? Right?”

“…yea.”

“It’s ok to be afraid, but what I’m saying is, you are not depressed. You’re a person with depression. What’s some things that you _are_ that have nothing to do with the depression?”

Jaemin curled further into himself. “I’m funny? Like, I’m not funny at all, but to myself, I can make myself laugh,” he said quickly.

She smiled. “ok, what else?”

“I… mm. I have a thing inside that drives me sometimes. There’s something…there’s something there. I can feel it.”

“’something’?”

“I dunno what it is, it just comes sometimes. The urge to do _something_ , but I dunno what it is.”

She nodded her head. “that’s okay. That’s awesome that you can feel that. See, now that we’ve kind of reasoned our way through things, what evidence do you truly have that tells you you can’t eat?”

“um, none?”

“and if you think of any more reasons, just try and see if it truly is a fact. It’s easier said than done, but it’s better to nip this thing at the bud before it gets out of hand. You understand?”

“yea.”

“is there anything else you wanted to talk about?”

“no, thank you.”

“same time next week?”

“yea. Thank you.”

Renjun looked up as Jaemin came back into the waiting room. Jaemin waved. “hi.”

Renjun waved back, packing away his sketchbook. When he was settled, he stood up. “ready to go?”

“yeah.”

It was a dumb idea. It was a dumb thing to need. But Jaemin had to ask. He was so hungry. “’junnie?” he asked.

“yea?”

As they walked out to the parking lot hand in hand, Jaemin asked. “should I eat lunch?”

Renjun smiled, so tenderly. “of course. Will you eat with us?”

“I think…today I can.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :D I convinced myself to eat lunch through this yay. I hope this chapter was ok


	33. just a day, world tangent, moderating sadness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaemin reflects on his day. Later, he talks with Renjun and Jeno about some things that have been heavy on his noggin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello hello! I woke up at 4 and decided, if I can't go to sleep, might as well finish this chapter. So I did :D I hope u enjoy hehe

As the credits to Megamind started rolling, Jaemin poked Renjun’s cheek. “wakey wakey,” he said gently.

Renjun smacked his lips a few times before he lifted up his head. “aw, shoot. I fell asleep?” He picked himself off of Jaemin to stand up and stretch. “during _Megamind_? That’s a crime.” Renjun took a glance at the time. “I guess we can get started on dinner. What do you guys want?”

“c-“

“don’t you dare say cereal.”

Jaemin stood as Jeno and Renjun began bickering over the merits of cereal.

“nana?”

“bathroom,” he called behind him, walking down the hallway. He had a bit of a headache today. Perhaps it was caffeine withdrawal.

Jaemin closed the door and sat on the edge of the bathtub, reflecting the day. It wasn’t empty, but it wasn’t particularly eventful. Nothing special happened. It was just…a day. A waste. Jaemin’s head hurt. “it wasn’t a waste,” he told himself quietly. “not all days are gonna be special. It wasn’t a waste.” …Right?

He watched megamind with the two people he adored. That wasn’t a waste. He built a gingerbread house Renjun picked out from the store and insisted they all made together. Jeno kept eating the icing despite being the one worrying about running out of it.

That had to count for something.

It was a day, Jaemin decided. Not particularly good and not particularly bad. So just, a day.

Now what he had to do was make peace with it.

Making magic out of the ordinary. It was possible. Kids did it all the time.

The only question now was how.

-

Screaming. Screaming and fighting and anger. That's all Jaemin remembered. It was just enough to make him cautious. Careful. Crying and begging to please don't leave. Jaemin remembered bits and pieces. Distant family. Empty spaces. And to think that some people have it worse than this. Sometimes on nights like this, Jaemin mourned for the world.

"Baby?"

"Mhm"

Jeno rubbed his thumb in small circles into Jaemin’s waist. "What's happening up there? In your beautifulbrain?”

"Just over thinking." Jaemin said.

Two warm bodies clung closer.

“do you wanna talk about it?”

“you guys should sleep.”

“not what I asked,” Renjun said. He wiggled out of Jaemin’s hold to turn around and face him. Jaemin looked away. “hey. Look at me please?”

Renjun waited, patiently as always. Jaemin’s eyes flickered over to meet his. “that’s it,” Renjun smiled. “good boy.” Jaemin’s eyes were strangely moist. “hi,” Renjun said simply.

“…hello.”

“what’s one thing that you’re thinking about?”

Jaemin thought for a moment. Suddenly, his mind seemed to have gone blank. _What was I thinking about? C’mon. What was I thinking about?_ “I was…thinking about…my family.” Jaemin slowly nodded. “yea.”

“What about them?”

“how like, even though my family’s a sad thing, some people have it worse. So it’s kind of dumb.”

Jeno made a noise in the back of his throat. “it’s not dumb. Your feelings are valid, ok?”

“Different things affect different people differently,” Renjun said.

“well, ok, but like, if this is mild, what are other people dealing with is what I’m thinking. Like, some people are getting…really bad things done to them.”

Renjun hummed. “that’s true.”

“so I’m just kind of sad about that.”

“I think,” Jeno said carefully, “that it’s good to be sad about stuff like that in moderation? ‘Cause then maybe it’ll motivate you to help?”

Renjun glared over Jaemin’s shoulder at Jeno. “we can’t kill ourselves helping others though. Be a _little_ selfish. I’m talking to _you_ puppy.”

Jeno smiled sheepishly. “yea, of course. That’s important too. Being selfish. It’s all about moderation.”

“how do I moderate feeling sad?” Jaemin asked so innocently, but their hearts _tore_ at the question.

“well…” Renjun grabbed his phone off the nightstand. “when in doubt, google… hm… blah blah blah, focusing on the wrong and overgeneralizing. Are you overgeneralizing, do you think?” Was he? Jaemin didn’t know.

“how much niceness _does_ offset the bad…not bad, um.” He tried to think of another word. “how much niceness offsets the nasty, mean things? The ‘there are children starving in Africa but also native Americans starving in our own country’ things?”  
“christ, Jaemin. Ok. Lemme look this shit up, ok? I don’t know.” Renjun lit up. “Ah. there’s this nice article about Walmart on top.”

Jeno let out a laugh. “what the heck?”

“I know, right? It talks about Walmart being evil but then also giving women education. …and 82% of the US’ employees would be willing to be paid less for ethical business practices.”

Jaemin looked at Renjun. “what?”

“Gimme a second. .com, .com, all of these are unreliable sources. My sixth-grade teacher said so.”

Jeno giggled.

Jaemin gave Jeno a considering look, petting his head. “I think the exhaustion is setting in.”

Renjun looked up from his phone. “do you need to go to bed, my chocolate mousse?”

At that, Jeno started laughing harder.

“did you just call him a chocolate mousse?”

Renjun shrugged. “I’m trying out new nicknames. Anyway, there’s a bunch of bull written in here, and I’m tired, so I’m just gonna spread my words of wisdom for the day. Good?” he asked, making sure.

“good,” Jaemin said.

“the world is a sad place, the world is a happy place, these are opinions. I think. If we want to, we can do things to make it a ‘happier’ place. That’s not our responsibility. We were born. That’s it. On moderating sadness immediately, I have no idea, sorry, we can look more into it tomorrow, but the important question is, are you feeling less sad now?”

“yea.”

“really?”

“triple sure.”

“god, we need to go to sleep.”

Jaemin nodded, smiling. “You guys go to sleep. You have work tomorrow. I need to figure this out before my head explodes.”

“alright. Wake me up if you need anything, ok?”

“ok.”

Jaemin went off by himself into the living room, turning on the light there to not disturb their sleep. His therapist wanted him to start using affirmations to help his self-esteem. Perhaps this could be an affirmation.

Jaemin closed his eyes.

“It’s not my responsibility to save the world. …There’s sadness, and I can help, but I shouldn’t kill myself trying, for the sake of my own happiness.”

Moderating sadness was, unfortunately, a thing one must work on. Exercise, eating right, socializing, managing stress levels. He looked it up.

In the moment, he could talk about it or journal, which he did, and even landed off in a good mood.

Some days, Jaemin truly believed that he could make it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I edited by listening to it read aloud by my computer, and that's it. Let me know what you think about this chapter? I'm not sure if y'all want the like...thinking stuff too, y'know? I want this to be enjoyable for everyone, not just me hahaha
> 
> Anyways, love ya, thank you dearly for reading, and I'll see u next update ^^


	34. paranoia intro, animal in a cage, throw up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaemin gets put under watch and he's not having it. No one understands him, until someone does. And then, Jaemin makes himself puke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: JAEMIN MADE HIMSELF THROW UP. it's the aftermath, but please be careful and skip reading this chapter if triggering.
> 
> edited a little. I'm gonna have to play around a little more when my head's clearer.

“are you cold?” she asked.

Jaemin shook his head.

“you’re shivering.”

“’m not. Get away.”

“Jaemin, it’s fine. It’s just me and Jeno,” his sister said, trying to get closer.

Jaemin shook his head again, bouncing in his seat. “I _know_. Please get away from me.”

Jeno gave Jaemin’s sister a pointed look as he took a few steps back, showing Jaemin his empty hands. “Ok. Ok. You’re safe.”

“are you crazy?” Jaemin wrapped his arms around himself. “My dad’s just downstairs.”

Jeno blinked. “Is-is your dad um. Not safe?”

“hell no,” Jaemin scoffed. “I’m telling you, one day soon he’s gonna beat the shit out of me and then I’ll tell you all ‘I told you so’.”

“he’s not going to beat you, Jaemin. God.”

Jeno looked between the two siblings. “He isn’t?”

“no,” Jaemin’s sister said. “Jaemin won’t shut up about how dad’s gonna flip and kill him. You’re fucking delusional,” she told Jaemin.

“Oh. Um…” Jeno said, floundering for the right words. “your dad’s not gonna come up here. Right? So, you’re safe?”

“only as safe as he lets me be. I’m going,” Jaemin said, standing up.

“You’re not allowed to go out, remember? The doctor said-“

“the doctor’s a moron. I’m not on the verge.”

“then what’s with your arms?” she challenged.

Jaemin scooted past her, avoiding touching. “self-harm doesn’t equal suicide intent.”

“Well, great, but nobody believes you!”

“great,” Jaemin said, walking downstairs.

“Jaemin, you’re not leaving!”

“Leave me _alone_!” Jaemin yelled. He ran down the rest of the steps and busted through the door.

Jeno followed behind, lost, as Jaemin’s sister walked down the street, annoyed. “Jaemin! I don’t have time for this!”

It was awful, seeing Jaemin like this. All Jeno knew that happened was that he was put under 24hr watch, which was terrifying on its own. But Jaemin was spooked. Absolutely paranoid and scared, and unstable. Unpredictable.

As Jaemin took a turn towards the highway, Jeno felt his heart stop.

His sister _dashed_ and grabbed him by the arm. “what’re you trying to do? Get yourself run over?”

“yeah, _to get away from you!_ ” Jaemin stared at her with huge eyes, breathing harshly. “let me go.”

She let go.

Jaemin took off again. He didn’t get very far, running a few meters before stopping.

They followed him as he walked aimlessly down roads.

He was talking to himself. “They’re not gonna leave me alone after this. They’re gonna lock me up forever. _Forever!_ ”

Jeno watched silently as his best friend went up a lawn and started kicking some poor neighbor’s tree, yelling and swearing to himself. It was scary, but most of all Jeno’s heart hurt for him.

He walked to the tree. “Nana,” he said.

Jaemin’s head whipped around. “what the fuck are you doing here? Leave me alone.”

“I will in a minute, can we just try and talk?”

Jaemin scowled. “what is there to talk about? Everybody’s already filled in the lines themselves.”

“Well, I’m trying to give you a chance to talk now,” Jeno said earnestly.

“…They won’t listen to me,” Jaemin said, hands clenching and unclenching into fists restlessly. “I need my space. I can’t _breathe_ with them watching me. But everyone thinks I’m on the verge and won’t respect me as a fucking person! Fuck my feelings,” he snarled. “I’m just an animal at the zoo that they come to stare at. I can’t handle it anymore.”

“I see myself more like an alien,” Jeno said quietly.

There was a moment of silence, before the moon came out, uncovered by the clouds.

Jaemin opened his mouth and closed it. “what?”

“the animal at the zoo thing,” Jeno said. “I see myself more like an alien. Animals are cute, y’know? People tend to find them a lot less strange.”

Jaemin stared at him. “you saying you’re a mental case too?”

Jeno shrugged. “anxiety.”

“I never knew,” Jaemin mused.

“I never said anything,” Jeno said simply.

“wait, wait, I have so much to talk to you about then!”

“I mean, I can ask them if you can come to my house.”

“they’re not gonna let me, pieces of shit. Yo sis!” Jaemin yelled, waving somewhere behind Jeno.

“ _what_?”

“you can leave!” he tried. “Jeno said he’ll watch me!”

Jaemin’s sister scrutinized Jeno for a moment. “yeah, ok.” Jeno was basically part of the family, anyway. Dad would probably be okay with it. “try not to die,” she said, already turning around to go back to the house.

Jaemin watched, wide eyed as she left. “that actually worked?” It made sense, actually. Nobody wanted to waste their time babysitting a teenager. Certainly not a high-maintenance one. Dad would prolly be pissed, but that was for future Jaemin to worry about. He could just run away. It’d be fine.

-

“oh, fuck.”

Jaemin gave a peace sign, head still in the toilet.

“nana, are you sick?” Renjun asked, kneeling next to Jaemin. He reached out to rub Jaemin’s back.

“naw. I’ll just be a second,” Jaemin said.

Renjun pulled Jaemin’s hair back from his face, tucking it out of the way. “Are you sick?” he asked. “Did you eat something bad?”

Jaemin took his head out of the toilet. “no.”

“nana?” Renjun asked quietly. “what happened?”

Jaemin gave him a crooked smile. “I threw up.”

“are you okay?”

“Yea. Lemme just rinse my mouth.”

“…okay”

Jaemin stood and went to the sink, cupping his hands to catch water.

As he gurgled, Renjun wrapped his arms around Jaemin’s middle from behind. “I’m worried about you nana,” he said.

“I’m totally fine,” Jaemin said dismissively. “Let’s go, okay?”

Renjun turned Jaemin around to face him, looking into his eyes carefully.

He frowned.

“you’re full of shit,” he said, not unkindly, twining their hands together. “…You don’t have to lie, snowflake. Remember?”

Jaemin smiled, crossing his fingers behind his back. “yea. I’m fine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love you all tyty for reading I hope you enjoyed. I dunno how long this is gonna be. It's turning into a monster of a fic and I don't even know if we're halfway through. If yall have a request for what you wanna see, I'd totally be down to try and make it come true!
> 
> Also, I made a tiktok y'all I'm scared.


	35. collapsing, intervention, opening up, praise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Jaemin collapses, Renjun decides it's time to call an intervention.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope this chapter is good ^^

Jaemin dragged his feet down the street, making little to no progress in his trip to the park.

Jeno had been over the moon about his impromptu decision to go, ushering Jaemin out before he could change his mind. Really, it was just something to fill the time. Nothing to be proud about.

Oh yeah. He was supposed to be being nicer to himself.

_Nothing to be proud of, but…it will benefit me, so…It’s nothing to shame myself over either._

It wasn’t too cold out, but all the trees had lost their leaves. Jaemin wondered when that happened. A person with a bright red coat walked past him. The sky was blue. It was a good day to have a good day. It was a shame Jaemin was too empty inside to feel it.

When he started getting light-headed and feeling sick, Jaemin idly remembered he should have had water before going out.

Jaemin turned back around.

He almost made it home, too, before he started to see black spots. This was not good. But it meant it was _working_. It really was making a difference, monitoring his food. So, if he collapsed going up the stairs on their porch, it was nobody’s business but his own.

He stayed there, sprawled out on the steps long enough for the sun to set. It was about 3 when he set off. Renjun would be home soon. He’d probably freak out. Be worried. Jaemin found he didn’t have the energy to move.

It was one of those days. He woke up at 2:30pm, already wanting to go back to sleep.

Jaemin kind of felt like crying.

“nana?!”

Jaemin lifted his head.

“what happened, baby?” Renjun asked worriedly, already dropping his bag. He kneeled down and his hands hovered over Jaemin’s body. “Is it ok if I lift you up? You didn’t like…hurt your neck?”

Jaemin shook his head.

Renjun delicately picked up Jaemin’s arm to put around his shoulder and lifted them both up. Jaemin did his best to help. They got back inside. Renjun called for Jeno, setting them both down at the table.

“I’m gonna get you some juice, ok?”

Jaemin stared blankly.

“…oh my god. Um. Ok. Ok. This is fine.” Renjun stood back up, stiffly opening the fridge and grabbing orange juice. It was the juice jiggling inside the container that gave away his shaking hands.

“Injunnie, it’s ok.”

Renjun let out a little whine in the back of his throat.

Suddenly Jaemin felt awful about all of this.

Jeno came into the room.

“Here, lemme get that,” Jeno said, taking the container from Renjun’s hands. He gave Renjun’s hands a gentle squeeze before going about pouring the drink into a glass. “for Jaemin?” he asked, tipping his head towards the table.

“um, yea.”

Renjun scrubbed his eyes, steeling himself, before he came to the table.

They all sat, a big fat elephant in the room.

“ok, well, Jeno, um, I found nana lying outside on the steps.”

“What happened? I’m so sorry, I was right here. I didn’t even know-”

“not your fault,” Renjun said, nudging Jeno’s foot under the table.

Jeno turned worried eyes to Jaemin. “what happened? Should we go to the hospital?”

Jaemin shook his head.

“Really, though. What happened?” Renjun asked. “people don’t just…lie face down on steps for no reason.”

“I think I fainted or something,” Jaemin mumbled, looking at the table.

“Are you sick?”

“Just dehydrated,” Jaemin said. He tapped the empty glass of orange juice. “but now I’m all better,” he said with a smile.

He just wanted the conversation to end.

“nana, you’re not just dehydrated.” Jeno said. “You aren’t eating. It’s not _healthy_ , baby.”

Jaemin didn’t know what to say.

“you’re making yourself throw up,” Renjun said. “I’m not stupid, ok? Why do you keep lying to us?”

“I…I don’t know.”

“we were gonna take it slow, but I’m calling an intervention,” Renjun said. “you’re making yourself throw up. That’s _bad_ , Jaemin. That’s really bad. I know it’s hard for you to open up, but we’re running out of time. You’re gonna kill yourself,” Renjun said, voice unsteady.

“is there anything you or we can do to make it easier?” Jeno asked.

“I don’t know.” Jaemin closed his eyes.

“do you want to be open with us?” It wasn’t an accusatory question. They genuinely didn’t know anymore.

“yes, _yes_ ,” Jaemin said, dropping his face into his hands. “I’m trying.”

Was he?

“ok,” Jeno said. “then can we try one more time? What happened earlier?”

“I-I fainted because I haven’t been eating or drinking.”

“ok. Good, snowflake. Just like that,” Renjun said.

It was good?

Jaemin wanted to be good.

“I can’t eat ‘cause it’s the one thing I can control right now. I don’t have the energy to do anything else. I wanna do good. But I can’t.” Jaemin felt his eyes well up with tears.

“when you eat, you’re doing _very_ good, baby. You’re giving yourself nutrition. Do you understand?”

Jaemin felt his heart skip at the praise.

“yea.”

“I know it’s so hard to do right now, but I believe in you. We’re in this together, ok? You’re doing most of the work, but we’ll be your cheerleaders. We’ll take care of you, okay?”

Jaemin was crying now. “ok.”

“you don’t have to be totally open all the way, alright?” Renjun said, rubbing his back. “just, if you can’t say it, just say you can’t say it. Try not to lie, ok? It makes me feel sad.”

“I’ll try.”

He would try.

“ok. Good boy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have such mixed feelings abt this chapter.


	36. burning, taking care

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaemin does some self harm and gets caught. They can take care of his physical wounds at least.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: SELF HARM please click out if at all triggering, ok?

Jaemin was falling again. He didn’t know what to do. Was Jaemin relapsing?

Every day he got a little more tired. Nothing he did could make him feel anything, so he slept the day away.

He needed _help_.

He needed someone.

…he needed his matches. It wasn’t good to do. It wasn’t helpful. It was dangerous, a temporary fix to all his troubles. Addictive.

But there was nothing else. He couldn’t run away from his brain.

So he burned.

Jaemin went into the bathroom, locking the door. He turned on the fan to hide the smell. His stomach twisted with excitement and fear. It was a little thrilling.

Jaemin pulled up his sleeve. He stuck the match against the box. Let it burn for a little while, heat up the wood.

It was too late to back out now.

Jaemin pressed the lit match into his skin. The sharp burn pulsed through his arm.

Jaemin let out a slow sigh, slumping over.

It was fucking addictive.

He peeled the match out of his skin and threw it in the toilet and struck another match.

-

It was stupid to think they wouldn’t notice. They were a little more attentive than his parents. It was going fine until Renjun had a show that was about to start, and he grabbed Jaemin’s arm to tug him along and hurry.

The whimper that left his lips was more than a little pathetic.

Renjun turned around, shock painted all over his face. “I’m sorry, nana, did I hurt…you.” Renjun’s voice trailed off as he stared at the arm he was still holding loosely. There were little red spots that had bled through the fabric.

Jaemin cursed himself as Renjun ever so slowly pushed back his sleeve.

“…nana?” Renjun held Jaemin’s arm carefully as he took in the bloody sight. “come with me,” Renjun said, not looking at him. He pulled Jaemin gently by the wrist. Jaemin didn’t have the energy to fight him if he wanted to.

They bumped into Jeno on their way to the bathroom.

“oh, hey, wasn’t your show starting? Oh…oh, nana.”

Jaemin looked at the floor, ashamed.

Jeno took Jaemin’s free hand into his own, ever so gentle, and ran his thumb over Jaemin’s knuckles. “let’s get you cleaned up, yeah?”

Jaemin nodded mutely.

They sat Jaemin on the toilet, getting out the Neosporin and a clean washcloth.

Renjun sat on the tub, cloth in hand, and began dabbing Jaemin’s wounds softly with soapy water. “were you ever gonna say anything?” he asked gently, sadly.

Jaemin clenched his jaw and shook his head.

“love, you could’ve gotten another infection. They’re puffy. Should we go to the doctor?” he asked Jeno.

Jeno swallowed. “um, yea, just in case, probably. Is that ok, Jaemin?”

“no,” Jaemin said. “they’re gonna lock me up again.”

“are-are you having suicidal thoughts?”

Jaemin huffed. “when am I not?”

“do you have intent to do it?”

Jaemin shook his head.

Renjun stood and went over to the cabinet for the gauze and tape, while Jeno took his place and started spreading the gel over Jaemin’s wounds.

“does it hurt?”

“no.”

Jeno sighed. “well, if you don’t have intent, you don’t have to go, but I need you to be honest with us. You don’t have a plan? No intent whatsoever?”

“no. I-I just…” Jaemin’s bottom lip started to wobble as he tried to hold in the tears. “I just wanna die.”

Jeno held Jaemin’s hands, his own eyes shimmering. “can I give you a hug?” Jeno asked.

Jaemin nodded.

He put his arms around Jaemin, encasing him in warmth, squeezing him lightly.

Renjun came over and leaned on top of him and tried to reach around to hug them both. “puppy. Make room for me?”

Jeno shuffled over, kneeling by Jaemin’s left, hugging his waist, and nuzzling his face into Jaemin’s side. Renjun thanked him quietly and wrapped his arms around Jaemin. The angle was awkward, so Renjun just climbed into his lap and hugged him from there, pressing little kisses to Jaemin’s face.

“you’re doing so well, honey.”

“it’s almost over.”

“just a little longer, and the sun will shine again.”

“you’re doing so good.”

Jaemin broke, sobbing into Renjun’s shoulder. “I’m sorry I didn’t-n’t say anyth-thing, I didn’t wanna m-ake you sad.”

“y’know what makes me saddest,” Jeno said softly. “Is when you’re hurting, and we can’t help. We can help now. Please, let us help. Don’t drift too far away. Please. Don’t drift too far away that we can’t reach you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiya guys. Not feeling too confident about parts of this chapter, but i like some of it hehe. I'll edit it later, just posting cuz i miss u guys :') if u wanna say hi in the comments or anything feel free :D but if you're shy i understand!  
> Anyways, thx for yyour love and reading all of this. <3


	37. Chapter 37

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a little bit of jaemin in headspace uwu

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys! A short lil chappie today. I was rather soft writing it heheh. it's a lil bit edited. I'll try and get around to it later. hope you enjoy!

Jaemin was happily coloring in a picture on his tablet. He had his head on Renjun’s lap, Renjun running his fingers through Jaemin’s hair. Jeno was reading in the chair.

Jaemin was feeling a little tinier than usual. It had been a while since he last felt the headspace settling in.

“…’pa?”

“yes, my darling?”

Jaemin scrunched his nose as he tried to think of what he wanted to say. “mm…I think ‘m slipping.”

“okay. That’s ok, right?” Renjun asked.

“yup.”

Jaemin put the tablet on the floor and rolled around to face Renjun. He looked up at Renjun, pink hair haloed around his head.

“aw, my little angel,” Renjun cooed, reaching out to hold Jaemin’s cheeks gently. “you’re adorable,” he told him.

Jaemin flushed, hiding his face in Renjun’s tummy.

Renjun went back to petting his hair. “do you need anything, baby?”

Jaemin shook his head. He was content here, head fuzzing out in a soft way. He always got a little sleepy, a little teary. A little more vulnerable.

“I saw joke earlier,” Jaemin said, voice muffled by Renjun’s shirt. “knock knock.”

Renjun smiled. “who’s there?”

“mustache.”

“mustache who?”

Jaemin giggled. “mustache you a question, but I’ll shave it for later.” Jaemin’s little body shook as he laughed and laughed.

“that’s a clever one,” Renjun said, laughing along.

Jaemin rolled back around to look at the ceiling. When Renjun’s face came into view, Jaemin reached out a hand to poke his cheek. Jaemin started humming as he started tracing Renjun’s features. His eyes flickered up to Renjun’s.

Renjun gave him a tiny smile.

Jaemin ran a finger gently over Renjun’s upturned lips.

He switched to humming mary had a little lamb.

Their eye contact didn’t break for a while. Jaemin stared at Renjun curiously, and Renjun looked back with endearing eyes.

“’pa ‘appy?” Jaemin asked.

“happy? Very. Is nana happy?”

Jaemin nodded. They sat there for a little longer before Jaemin’s eyes began to droop. “Eyes sleepy.”

“your eyes are sleepy?” Renjun asked. “okay, baby. Let’s get you to bed then,” he said. “you can take a little nap before dinner.”

Jeno stood from the chair across the couch, putting his book down to come and carry him. “c’mon, honeybee. Climb on.” Jeno sat on the edge of the couch for Jaemin to cling onto his back.

Jaemin sat up slowly and wrapped his arms around Jeno’s shoulders. Jeno lifted them up, holding the underneaths of Jaemin’s knees so he wouldn’t slip back down. They walked together to the bedroom, and Jeno sat down on the bed to let Jaemin down.

Renjun and Jeno tucked Jaemin into bed and gave him a kiss on both cheeks.

“sleep well, ok? We’ll wake you for dinner,” Renjun said softly.

“night, night,” Jeno said.

“mm. Night, night,” Jaemin sighed.

The last thing he heard before drifting off was, “sleep well, angel.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have you guys seen 90's love? :D what did u think about it? I'm a lil salty abt SOME people not getting very many lines, but what are you gonna do. sigh.
> 
> anyway, if y'all want a specific petname or have any ideas, I thought it'd be cute to have different ones for when Jaemin's regressed. Stuff is a little too happy recently me thinks. Do you guys want more of Jaemin struggling or do u like the happy parts? I think I'm gonna go around editing the whole story, so I'll see how the storyline flows. Some days are better than others my guy. Remember, good days will come soon, ok? xoxo


	38. freak of nature, therapy hw-control

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaemin and Jeno have a woke conversation lol. And then Jaemin does some therapy hw that kind of triggers him to spiral.

Jaemin and Jeno were lying on top of Jeno’s bed, whispering quietly to each other. Jeno’s parents had let Jaemin stay the night again, thank god. Jaemin wasn’t sure he could face his family.

They had been talking ever since Jeno had told Jaemin that he had head problems too. Jaemin was just relieved to not be alone anymore. He needed to talk about anything and everything, seeing what Jeno could relate to, how he coped.

“I feel like I don’t have control over anything,” Jaemin admitted quietly. “I can’t _do_ anything without being seen as a freak by my family,” he murmured.

Jeno nodded. “It’s not fun living with people that think you’re crazy. We’re stuck in all these rules and expectations that’re so _unnatural_. Everybody just accepts it, and the people that can’t adapt stick out like a sore thumb. Get treated like fuckin’ aliens.”

“Yea, why aren’t we allowed to just _be_? Like nature intended?” Jaemin sighed. “Like, I should’ve been taken out by natural selection ages ago.”

Jeno nudged him roughly. “Don’t say that.”

“it’s true. I’m not supposed to _be_ here,” Jaemin said. “I’m not supposed to be here, but you can’t just die off. People are so protective about certain people’s lives. There’s a dozen other kids in this town who don’t have the bare minimum to survive. But they don’t matter? I’d rather they spent their money on those kids. At least they have a chance to not be utter failures.”

Jeno sat up.

“you’re not a failure.”

Jaemin rolled his eyes. “yeah, yeah.”

-

Jaemin tapped his pencil on the paper. “what the heck do I feel about control?” he asked.

There wasn’t much Jaemin controlled. There wasn’t _anything_ Jaemin controlled.

He left that to his protector.

The one that was strong, and bitter, and fearless. The one that…didn’t exist.

For so long, Jaemin had dreamed of an alter ego, per say. Where he finally snapped and gave into his impulses. When a stronger him took over.

But.

He couldn’t stop thinking about when his therapist told him that he wasn’t. That he wasn’t capable of hurting anyone. It wasn’t the nicest feeling in the world, being told by your _therapist_ that they think you’re a weak bitch.

 _I can hurt_ someone _,_ Jaemin thought bitterly to himself. _I can hurt myself._

Is that how he ended up on the bathroom floor with three new wounds? Old scabs scratched off, blood dripping down his arm?

What was it about this that made him feel powerful? Was it the fact that it was a violent act? Was it about control? That he could control the pain and the scars and the placement? Was it just the addiction making him feel on top of the world before he’d need to do it again?

Jaemin wasn’t sure.

He wasn’t sure when he’d started crying. He wasn’t sure why he was still alive. Why hadn’t he just done it when he had the chance? He was so fucking _stupid_.

_Why wasn’t he dead yet?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how are y'all likin these past chapters? I haven't been super confident, I'm just pumpin' out what I write. I'm not sure how much of this is tmi, yknow? 'Cause alas, half of this story is projection. I can bump over to my private writings if yall would just like some better Quality chapters. My feelings won't be hurt either way. :)


	39. a day in the life of an alien, sleeping more

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jaemin makes himself throw up and worries of being the only screw up. Then he has a screwy day and copes through it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: jaemin makes himself throw up. Please click out if triggering ok?

Jaemin had been eating well until they got burger king. He was doing so well, eating the bare minimum. And now he wasn’t.

Time to go to the bathroom.

On his trip to make himself puke up the veggie burger he ate, Jaemin felt rather pitiful. The walk of shame to the bathroom was never fun.

He locked the door behind him and kneeled in front of the toilet.

…Was he really doing this?

Blinking away tears, Jaemin jammed two fingers down his throat. They scratched the back of his throat, and he fought against the discomfort, gagging and coughing and sticking his fingers back down when he took them out for a moment of relief, until he tasted the bitter burn of vomit coming up.

As he spat the last of it into the toilet, Jaemin felt pathetic. Was he really doing this?

He was doing _better_. He was _happy_ sometimes. He didn’t spiral as often. His suicidal thoughts were only an annoying voice in the back of his head. So why the _fuck_ wasn’t he better? It was just one unhealthy habit after the next. No matter what he quit, no matter how much happier he got, Jaemin didn’t understand why he was still self-destructing.

“Petal, what the hell is wrong with me?” Jaemin asked, leaning his head against the toilet. “Am I just doomed to fail?”

_I don’t know. I don’t know Jaemin._

“fuck.”

Even Petal didn’t know. This was bad. Injun was smart. He’d know what to do.

…but…

Could he ask him?

Why couldn’t he?

_Because he’s gonna think I’m nutso. I’m done being crazy. I’m done being different, and lonely, and just…not a human being._

Other people functioned. They might be miserable, but they functioned. They had a job, ate food, had a sense of hygiene, got along with others.

The only friend Jaemin had for _years_ was Jeno, and that was just because he felt bad for Jaemin. He sure as hell wasn’t sticking around ‘cause he particularly liked him.

_Jaemin, you’re literally in a romantic relationship with Jeno. I don’t think he’d take it that far._

That…was a point.

But Jaemin hadn’t brushed his teeth in _weeks_. He hadn’t left the house in _weeks_. He didn’t have a job. He didn’t have a dream for the future.

Jaemin wasn’t fucking human.

It was that simple.

-

“I’m…I’m coming out. I need to get this off my chest. I’ve been so confused, but I finally understand it. So…So…I’ll just say it. Guys…I’m an alien.”

“Jaemin what the ever-loving fuck.”

“I’m serious!”

Jeno looked concerned. “Honey, I know we’ve talked about feeling like one, but you’re not really an alien. …you know it was just a metaphor, right?”

“But it’s not?”

Renjun took both of Jaemin’s hands in his own. “Nana, you’re not an alien,” he said, looking at Jaemin intently. “Do you honestly believe that you’re from outer space? No judging, I’m just asking.”

Jaemin swallowed. “I mean…there’s not really another answer.”

They both looked very, very worried.

Jaemin curled into himself.

“oh, baby, I’m sorry. There’s nothing wrong with that. Okay? You’re fine,” Renjun said, brushing Jaemin’s hair away from his eyes.

“Um, nana,” Jeno said, rubbing Jaemin’s arm comfortingly. “We were just surprised is all. We’re…we’re worried because you seem really confused right now. Um…like, with reality. Which I totally get, y’know?”

Jaemin pouted. “I’m not crazy.”

“We know, baby,” Renjun said softly.

“I’m not crazy.”

“No, you’re not.”

“What made you believe you’re an alien?” Jeno asked so, so gently.

“um. I just…am not a human being?” Jaemin said. “I’m not… _like_ everybody. Y’know? I’m not…Nobody’s out there that’s having this.”

“baby, remember our conversations? I’ve been there, too, remember? There’s tons of people out there that’re the same. Um. It’s just it’s still such a taboo thing…not a lot of people understand it, or care to. But _we’re never alone_. There’s always people out there, just like you. Alienated. Feeling alone. It’s just hard to find because we’re not allowed to show it.”

Jaemin nodded slowly.

“We’re not crazy,” Jeno said firmly. “It’s their problem they don’t wanna admit stuff exists.”

“okay.”

“You’re not an alien when you’re with us, okay?” Renjun said.

“okay.”

-

Jaemin had woken up that morning, brushed his teeth, ate breakfast, and then gone right back to bed.

Before you get all disappointed, there was nothing else to do and Jaemin was starting to feel a little empty.

So he officially took his second ~depression nap~.

It was funny because sleep had never been something that came easy before. Was it one of his meds? Seroquel was fucking evil, but it made Jaemin sleep like a baby. Forever. 24/7. But that was another story. Was it the new anxiety med?

Whatever.

He’d take it. Sleeping over actually having to get through the day? Heck yes.

“Nana? Are you awake?”

Jaemin stuck his head out of the blanket cocoon. “kinda. Why?” he asked groggily.

Jeno came further in the room. “I was just about to have lunch. Are you sleeping still? It’s 1 o’clock,” he said.

“oh.”

“Are you ok?”

“yeah, yeah. I’m alright. I just need like…caffeine I think,” Jaemin said.

Jeno gave him a little smile. “Alright. Well, I’m gonna heat up some soup. Do you want any?”

No.

“Yeah, sure.”

He didn’t miss the way Jeno lit up. “Awesome. Um, I’ll be in the kitchen then,” he said.

“Awesome.”

They ate lunch together, joking about stupid things and talking about their day. Jeno had seen a bird land on the window and Jaemin had been asleep.

“What’re you gonna do now that you’re awake?”

“um…”

Jaemin didn’t know. What did people do when they were awake? He could draw, sing, watch Youtube, exercise, read…Nothing seemed really fun.

“I think I’ll just go back to sleep.”

Jeno’s eyebrows furrowed. “Honey, that’s not healthy,” he said worriedly.

“Yeah, I just am not jamming with today. I have a headache, and…I dunno.”

“Do you think you could just _try_ doing something before you go back to bed? Just for me?” Jeno asked.

Jaemin nodded his head. “I can try.”

Jeno patted Jaemin’s head. “Thank you.”

So Jaemin went to the little art corner of the house and picked up a sharpie and some paper and set to work.

It wasn’t really fun, and Jaemin felt really awful, but as he drew some flowers being stepped on by a heavy boot labeled as life, he felt that maybe, yeah. People could understand this particular feeling.

And for today, _maybe_ that was enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im hitting a little bit of a writers block the past few chapters. I hope they're still alright ^^'


	40. staying awake, binge, reframing/radical acceptance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaemin stays awake despite not wanting to. Then, he binges, and THEN, he works on reframing the way he sees his depression.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! I've missed y'all. Huggies (if you want them)! I'm working through a gross writer's block kinda. I'm just a little stuck, because I'm trying to pace along Jaemin's recovery. i dunno what im doing ;-; ill try to plan better

“What’re you playing nana?”

Jaemin slid off his headphones. “What? Oh, you’re home!” he exclaimed, getting up to welcome Renjun. “What’d you say?” Jaemin asked as he wrapped his arms around Renjun, careful of the cup in Renjun’s hand.

“What game are you playing?” Renjun asked, squeezing Jaemin lightly with one arm.

Jaemin leaned into the warmth.

“Oh. Minecraft. The stupid creepers keep blowing up my railway.”

“Yeah? That’s annoying.”

Jaemin waddled them over to the couch to sit down, not wanting to let go just yet.

“How’s your day going?” Renjun asked.

Bad.

“It’s okay,” Jaemin said offhandedly. “How about you though? How was work?”

“Eh it was okay. My coworker treated us all to coffee. I got the one Jeno wanted to try,” he said, holding up the cup.

“Ohh. I’m sure he’ll love that,” Jaemin said happily, nuzzling his nose into Renjun’s neck.

“I’m tired.”

“I know, honey. I know.” Renjun rubbed Jaemin’s back in big circles. “You’ve been sleeping a lot recently,” he said.

“I just don’t want to stay awake.”

Renjun kissed the top of Jaemin’s head softly.

“I’m so glad you’re awake,” he said. “I’m so glad that you’re awake today. You’re doing so well.”

Jaemin preened weakly under the praise. “I am?”

“Yes, snowflake. You’re doing so well. You’re doing so _good_.”

-

It took him an hour. An hour of back and forths since he’d woken up. But Jaemin ate that damn m&m cookie. Did it sit bad in his stomach? Hell yeah, it did. Did he immediately think of throwing it back up? Of course.

Jaemin felt a guilt like never before for giving in to his hunger.

But he felt weirdly powerful at the same time.

Was this another form of self-sabotage? Going against himself and eating the entire cabinet of food just to piss himself off?

The hell if Jaemin knew.

The cookie was disgusting quite honestly. And everything that came after it. The granola bars, the chips, the jar of nutella…Jaemin was gonna be sick.

-

He should’ve been expecting this.

There were too many nice days in a row for it to last. Jaemin forgot how bad it was.

“You threw me off the cliff!”

The only response was laughter.

“You’re so annoying,” Jeno grumbled as Luigi was reborn in a bubble, shaking his remote to get his bubble over to mario to pop.

Jaemin was squished in the middle of Jeno and Renjun on the sofa. They were playing super mario bros together, Jaemin having opted out.

“Nana, tell Injun to stop bullying me,” Jeno whined, leaning into Jaemin.

“mm. Renjunnie, play nice. Puppy doesn’t like to be teased.”

Jaemin figured he should be having fun, playing a game with his _family_ , but…he wasn’t. There was a crater inside Jaemin’s chest where his heart was supposed to be. He just wanted to be unconscious.

Jaemin didn’t understand what he was doing wrong. He was taking his meds, not isolating, using his coping skills (sometimes)…Why were most days still hell to get through?

Jeno let out a distressed sound as Luigi’s penguin suit made him slide too fast and he flew right off the cliff, Renjun following him right after.

As they returned to the map, Renjun gave Jaemin a quick smile that turned into a frown as he paused the game.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

What did he do to deserve them?

“I’m fine.”

Jaemin was completely fine. That was the problem. He was fine but wasn’t.

Renjun tutted unhappily. “Okaay. How’s your day been?”

“It’s okay,” Jaemin said. He grabbed onto the strings on Renjun’s sweatshirt to play with. “I woke up at 1:00 and did nothing.”

“Mm. That sounds depressing.”

Jaemin stayed quiet, tying and untying the strings.

“Did you use any of your coping skills?” Jeno asked.

“…no.”

“What’s one you can use?”

“um…reframing.”

“Okay. Talk me through it?” Jeno encouraged.

Jaemin tightened the bow he made and let go of the strings, satisfied. “Um…the things that I feel…are not bad, because they, well…no feelings are bad, ‘cause bad…doesn’t exist. It’s subjective. An opinion. They’re just painful.” Jaemin swallowed. “And painful…is...is…um. I don’t know how to turn it into a positive.” Jaemin put his head in Jeno’s shoulder, breathing in deep.

“ah, let’s see…” Jeno ran a hand through Jaemin’s hair. “Let’s back it up to where the pain comes from? Which is your brain. And your brain is what gives you your positive emotions, too. So maybe, being less mean to your brain about giving you pain? Maybe…accepting all of you?”

Jaemin sighed.

Radical acceptance. The bane of his existence.

“Okay,” he said quietly. “I accept my brain and life and whatever, because…life is short, so I’ll do my best to appreciate it. It’s gonna end soon anyway, so better just leave it up to the universe.”

Renjun rubbed Jaemin’s back. “How are you feeling baby?”

“I’m kind of numb.”

“Is there anything we can do?” Jeno asked.

Jaemin bit his lip. “Tell me about the good parts of your day?”

“Oh, okay. Well, there was a little blue in the sky today. I got distracted watching the clouds for a while,” Jeno said. “Jisung video called me with his niece earlier. She’s really cute.”

“mm. I like kids.”

“I know you do,” Jeno said, a smile in his voice. “Maybe we can have them over.”

“Okay,” Jaemin said quietly.

“Honey? Are you okay?”

“’m tired.”

“Do you wanna go to bed?”

“mhm.”

“Alright. Let’s go get ready then.”

Jaemin shook his head.

“C’mon, you gotta brush your teeth. Can’t skip that shit,” Renjun said quietly. “All your teeth are gonna fall out.”

“okay,” Jaemin huffed, getting up.

They all crammed in the bathroom to brush their teeth and get ready for the night, changing into their pjs. Once they were all tucked in bed, Jaemin let out a content sigh. It was his favorite part of the day. The part where he didn’t have to be awake.

Saying their goodnights, Jeno turned off the light and everyone smooshed together, despite there being plenty of room to spare on the bed.

As Jaemin said goodbye to the day, he cursed it for being so awful, then thanked it for allowing him time with his two boys, because, I mean, they were everything. Even when he couldn’t feel it, he hoped that tomorrow, he would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading <3  
> how are you? If you wanna tell me about your week or anything, I don't bite :) anyways, bye for now ^^


	41. no one listens, affirmations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaemin has a therapy appointment and the therapist kind of leaves him hanging when he's in need of a savior. Then he practices his affirmations briefly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all, I'm editing through from the beginning and trying to make the story flow better...in the meantime, enjoy this little tidbit :>

“I want to die.”

Why was she hanging up? Did he not say it with enough pain in his voice? Was he supposed to cry louder so she would hear? Why was she saying goodbye? He needed _help_. He _needed_ it. Was it not enough? Did he have to be more dramatic? Why was she hanging up?

Jaemin choked down a sob as his therapist signed off.

There was an _ache_ in his chest that was hurting too much. An ache that was heavy, and sad, and dull, but so _present._ There was a hole in himself that wouldn’t fill. He just needed it to end. He needed it to end _now_.

There were footsteps.

Jaemin couldn’t stop crying if he wanted to.

His tears were proper mourning. Filled to the brink with helplessness. He had never felt so helpless.

“Can we touch you?”

Jaemin nodded jerkily, not looking up.

Careful hands fluttered over him, gentle. Always gentle.

“Let it out. Let it out, baby.”

Jaemin didn’t unfurl from his ball. He just shook quietly, taking up as little space as possible, holding his cries in, losing breath from his efforts.

“You gotta breathe. It’s okay. It’s okay.”

“Honey, can you hear us? Please breathe. Just in and out. Like this.”

The tears wouldn’t stop coming. Jaemin couldn’t breathe.

“Honey, honey, please. Just let it out. You have to let it out.”

Jaemin drew in a ragged breath, covering his mouth and his nose to stay quiet.

Gentle hands pulled them away, and pathetic noises came out.

Jaemin _cried_.

“We’re here. We’re not leaving.”

“Let it out. Keep breathing. Just breathe.”

“You’re doing so well.”

“We love you so much.”

When the cries were only hiccups, and Jaemin’s puffy eyes came back to focus, he came back to present.

“’M sorry,” he croaked.

Jeno shushed him.

“There’s no need to be sorry snowflake.”

“I really…need help. Please help me,” Jaemin begged. “Please?”

“Of course, of course. What do we do?”

“…tell me a happy story?”

“Okay. Okay. Once upon a time, there was a forest. It was a magical forest, full of magical things. In this forest, there were little spirit children that ran around freely. They climbed the trees, and said hello to the flowers, and they were happy.

One day, a strange boy with a beak entered their forest, and the children went to greet him. But he hit anyone who came near. Because he was scared. This boy knew nothing of the kindness the children held. He only knew the brutality of life outside the forest.

“The eldest child scolded him gently and told him there was no need for him to be afraid so long as he was in the forest. The child brought him near the glowing fire and let him become warm. The fire was so warm that the boy melted away.”

“-And then became one of them,” Jeno said quickly.

“No, he melted away into a rock,” Renjun argued.

Jeno gave him an incredulous look. “What kind of ending is that?”

“The rock the children carefully picked up and brought him to a magical stream,” Renjun said, ignoring him. “Once the rock was soaked in the stream, the rock began to shake. The children took the rock out of the water so it could breathe, and let it rest until it was ready. They sang to it every day, and said hello every damn day, until one day, the rock cracked, and a little beak chipped the rock open. You see, the rock was hollow. The boy was merely dormant inside, molding and shifting. No one could see what was happening, but the children knew, as the boy with a beak emerged from the rock, that the boy needed only the warmth of the fire and time, before he would heal and become reborn.”

Jaemin sniffled. “That’s a nice story.”

Jeno nodded slowly. “Yeah, even if it _was_ fuckin weird.”

“What do you think, nana? What did the boy with the beak do next?” Renjun asked.

“Well, if he’s got a beak, he’s got wings too, right?”

“It’s up to you.”

“Well, then, he’s got wings. So, I think, the boy learned how to fly.”

-

“Affirmations. Right. I can do this.”

Jaemin took a deep breath.

“I’m not a lost cause. …I’m strong enough to do this.”

This felt kind of dumb.

_It’s okay, Jaemin. Dumb is okay._

“Okay,” Jaemin said. “Um, I’m doing well. I’m making progress. Even if the progress is really, really, really, slow…

“And someday, that’s gonna be enough.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I reread all y'alls comments and got rly emotional. Thank you so much for your guy's support and for reading. I love you guys a lot. Kisses and hugs uwu I will try my best to write the best that I can for y'all cuz u deserve nothing but the best. 
> 
> This MIGHT be the last update for a little while, because I'm going back and trying to edit through the whole story. These are kinda "filler" chapters that are meaningful to me, but not particularly following the plot, at the same time, what is the plot lol. I will work on this. Promise uwu I hope something magical happens for you today <3


	42. wanna die, bossy pants, pills goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaemin does some thinking and finds himself in a spiral. Thankfully, it is okay to ask for help. He gets some motivation to live :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edited a little.
> 
> shoutout to the love of my life bexca

How many days had he slept through that week? How many hours did he spend watching tv, or coloring to fill the hole inside himself? How much of his precious life was he going to waste being sad?

Jaemin had slept in the living room in the late afternoon, under the Christmas lights. The sky had slowly set. The moon was out. It was only a tiny sliver tonight.

How did he do it as a kid? What did he do differently so that he wasn’t just…empty?

Jaemin was a needy kid, like most are. And like most kids, he was taught to not be so needy. Simple instinctual things like touching and talking were prohibited. This was the standard set by society. If he were to unlearn all of the rules, all of these unnatural behaviors, could he find joy once again?

Could Jaemin get a chance to live freely this time?

But he was lucky. He had the free time to figure all of this out.

Jaemin felt sorrow towards everyone else because it wasn’t fair. For him to be the only one given this opportunity. It should’ve been someone else. It should’ve been _anyone_ else. Why was it _him_ to be the one with the privileged life? The fallen golden child? The lazy scrub who already gave up?

_Jaemin._

Jaemin’s head cleared for a moment.

“What, Petal?”

_I don’t know. I think we’re spiraling._

Jaemin shook his head. “It’s the truth. It shouldn’t be me. I’m taking it all and wasting it.”

 _We can_ not _waste it._

“I’m too tired.” Jaemin sighed.

“Petal, I don’t wanna die, I only wanna…die.”

_I know. But um…at the very least, if you don’t, we can play more. I’ll be all alone if you leave me, y’know._

“But if I die, I’ll stop hurting.”

_I know, Jaemin. I know. The hurting isn’t bad, remember? It’s not something that’s not supposed to happen._

Jaemin plopped onto the bed. “I can’t deal with it though.” He pulled his feet up and curled into a ball. “I don’t want to anymore.”

…

“Ha! See? I got you there,” Jaemin said, giving Petal a smug grin from across the room.

“I just hope they understand.”

 _One thing at a time. First, you are_ not _killing yourself anymore. We agreed to this._

Jaemin’s jaw clenched shut and he knocked his back of his head against the wall. “Yeah? Well, I’m retracting my fucking statement.”

_Jaemin-_

“It’s my choice! It’s up to me! No one else!”

Jaemin shut his mouth as quiet footsteps made their way down the hall.

“Snowflake?” Renjun’s worried head poked around the doorframe. Jeno came into view next to him, a hand fitting around Renjun’s waist. “Are you okay?”

“Yea, I’m brilliant.” Jaemin gave them a blank smile, standing up from the floor. “Just practicing lines.”

“Nana, you were yelling,” Jeno said softly. They moved a little forward into the room. Jaemin resisted the urge to move a step back. “You don’t seem like you’re okay, and if you aren’t that’s fine. It’s okay. You don’t have to lie, right?”

“I…” Jaemin made a noise of frustration. “I don’t know. I’m sorry. I’ll be quieter.”

Renjun frowned. “You don’t have to be sorry. Just…tell us if you’re okay or not? For real.”

“I’m ok.”

“Alright well… we’re here if you wanna talk.”

The door closed quietly as they left him alone again.

_We should ask Renjun. He’d know._

Jaemin sighed again. “We should. I don’t want him to think I’m a freak.”

_Remember he said you weren’t an alien around him?_

“…yea. Fine.” He got up, dragging his feet to the door. He made his way around the apartment, looking for where they went. Jaemin found them sitting on the floor in the living room, playing mariokart.

“um.”

Renjun glanced over and gave him a quick smile. “Hi, honey.”

Jaemin walked over to where they were sitting and lowered himself onto the ground.

“I don’t wanna deal with living,” he said bluntly.

Jeno swerved off the road to his death. Renjun hit pause, turning to Jaemin. “Alright. Well, that’s horrible,” he said. “What would be most helpful for us to do?”

Jaemin bit his lip. “Tell me how to want to deal with it?”

Renjun nodded thoughtfully. “I think it’s less about wanting? Like, just fuckin’ living and not pussying out?”

Jaemin gave him a fake smile. “Thanks, that helps a lot.”

“No, for real,” Renjun said, shifting to face Jaemin better. “I know life is shitty for you right now, so like, that sucks, but you’re being a coward right now. And I know you hate that, with your like, inferiority complex.”

“Shut your fucking mouth,” Jaemin said through his teeth.

Renjun ignored him. “You _know_ it leaves after some time. Not forever, but you’re not some wimp. You’re my little fucking snowflake.”

Jaemin’s eyebrows furrowed. “I’m not as strong as you think I am.”

Renjun took Jaemin’s hands in his own. “You’re tolerating a _nightmare_. You’ve been tolerating living in a fucking nightmare for years. You were in psychosis for two fucking years. You’re not fucking weak.”

“But I am. You said it. I tried to take the coward’s way-out. I still want to.”

Renjun shook his head. “In between deciding and scheming and attempting, you still tolerated it. You had to go through it. That doesn’t change. Because you failed, and so you had to live another day. Whether it was your choice or not, you survived what felt worse than dying. You _survived_. You didn’t keel over and die from the numbness. You’re not weak.”

Jaemin looked at the ground.

“Say it.”

“Say what?”

“Say you’re not weak.”

Jaemin scowled. “That’s stupid.”

“Who the fuck cares? Say it.”

“…I’m not weak.”

“Motivation can be anything, if it works. Live to prove to yourself that you’re strong. Live to prove to everyone that you’re not weak.”

“Um.”

“What, nana?” Renjun asked.

“You want me to be more open, right?”

They both nodded earnestly.

“It…it helps when you’re like that.”

“Like what?”

Jaemin scratched the side of his face. “Like…bossy? Sure of everything? It…helps.”

Renjun nodded slowly. “It helps?”

“Yeah.”

Renjun squeezed Jaemin’s hands. “Okay. I can do that.”

-

Jaemin shook the box next to his ear and listened to the comforting rattling.

It was time.

With a deep breath, Jaemin held out his arm and dropped the tiny box.

A little velvet jewelry box fell into the water, immediately disappearing under rushing waves.

Jaemin took in a deep breath and let it out and turned around to go back home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're too depressed to care, you can want to deal with living ‘cause you gotta admit, there’s some magical moments. They’ll come again. Whether it’s a minute of relief, a mind-blowing orgasm, finding the love of your life, getting licked by your dog and feeling the love. There’ll be something. Keep enduring. You’re NOT weak. You are STRONG. You CAN make it.
> 
> I'm still working on editing lol. 3/1/21 editing has been a disaster, but i deleted exactly 1 chapter and it felt so freeing.


	43. flashback, self harm coping skill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashback to a dark time for Renjun, then Jaemin acquires a new coping skill.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: domestic abuse talked about and also self harm sorry I forgot to put this when I posted

Jaemin felt a pit in his stomach.

This wasn’t supposed to happen.

It was supposed to be a normal shitty day where he slept through science and ate last night’s leftovers for lunch. With only Renjun, ‘cause Jeno didn’t have it the same period. God knows Jaemin needed Jeno then.

“Renjun.”

“mm.”

“Are you fucking okay?”

“Yeah, of course. Why?” Lies.

“Your arm…the bruise,” Jaemin said. He was gonna be sick.

“What about it?”

“It’s fucking hand-shaped.”

“And?” Renjun asked defiantly.

Jaemin held him by the shoulders. “Renjun. That’s not _okay_. Who did that to you? Was it your grandpa?” he asked with wide eyes.

Renjun glared back. “We got in a fight like usual. It’s not a big deal.”

Jaemin knew Renjun’s grandpa was a sack of shit; Jaemin never thought he’d take it this far.

“Renjun, he hurt you.”

He was gonna be sick.

“I can hold my own. It’s not a big deal,” Renjun said, much too quiet for the proud boy he was.

“You’re a _kid_. He’s a _grown man_. That’s not _okay_. Did he hurt you anywhere else?”

Renjun shook Jaemin’s hands off. “No. He just grabbed me a little too hard. Nothing to cry over.”

“ _Bullshit._ ”

“Look, just finish your lunch, okay? Stop talking about this.” Renjun’s face was quivering.

Jaemin was gonna be _sick_.

“You don’t have to be brave about it,” Jaemin said softly. He asked again. “Are you okay?”

Renjun’s eyes were shiny with tears. He broke eye contact, staring at his lunch.

“I’m fine.” But as he said that his face crumpled, and the dam broke. Tears fell, Jaemin’s heart along with them. Renjun slammed his fist on the table. Heads turned.

“What are you looking at, huh?” Jaemin asked sharply.

The students quickly looked away, returning to their lunch.

Renjun exhaled sharply.

“Junnie-“

He stood up and shoved his tray off the table loudly and started stalking towards the exit.

Jaemin got up to hurry after him.

Renjun powered his way through the halls, tears streaking down his face, until he took a final left into the bathroom. He made his way to the sinks. He leaned on one, wiping his eyes roughly.

“Junnie?” Jaemin asked.

“What?” Renjun asked tiredly.

“Can I hug you?”

Renjun sniffled. “I guess.” Jaemin walked up to him carefully and pulled Renjun into an awkward hug. Renjun slumped into him.

“You gotta take pictures and shit for if he does it again.”

Renjun nodded. “Okay.”

“Call me if he so fucking _touches_ you.” Jaemin said.

“Okay.”

Jaemin swallowed. “Your grandpa’s an asshole, you know that?”

Renjun laughed weakly. “yea.”

“It’s gonna be okay.”

Renjun lifted up his arms and held onto the back of Jaemin’s shirt.

“It’s gonna be okay.”

-

_Don’t do it._

Jaemin stared at his thighs, match in hand.

_Don’t do it._

He rubbed his forehead.

There was a lump in his throat.

_I just wanna be pretty._

_I want my legs to be pretty and red._

“ _Fuck_ ,” Jaemin cursed under his breath.

What did he do?

What did he do in the past?

When they locked up all the matches and the lighters?

He just fucking bit his way through the skin.

“C’mon, what else?” Jaemin hissed through his teeth, frustrated.

He didn’t want to.

Jaemin grabbed his phone with shaky, jittery hands.

You

cab u help me

Renjun <3

yea

of course

what’s wrong

You

gonna seelf harm

Renjun <3

can I call u

You

yes

Jaemin’s phone immediately started ringing. He tapped green.

“’lo?”

“Snowflake,” Renjun said, voice canny over the phone. He sounded winded, like he had just been running.

“is it okay? …Since you’re at work.”

“What? Yea, it’s fine. Baby, talk to me. What’s going on?”

“I’m um.” Jaemin bit his lip. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Okay. You’re gonna self-harm?”

“…yea, but I don’t wanna,” Jaemin said, voice small.

“Okay. Okay. What’ve you tried?”

“um…nothing.”

“Do you have any healthy coping things for this in your list?” he asked.

“no.”

“Alright. Do you want me to give you some ideas?”

“mhm”

“So I used to draw on myself instead. I think people use ice and shit too, but do you wanna give it a try?” Renjun asked.

“Okay.”

“Alright. Give it a go and lemme know- Shit.

“Yea, gimme a minute!

“Are you safe?” Renjun asked, talking into the speaker again. “I swear, if you’re not safe I’ll stay with you, but this asshole’s telling me to get back.”

Jaemin thought about it. The worst he’d do would be burning. “I’m safe.”

“Okay. Text me how it goes, okay honey?”

“Yea.”

“Alright. Bye.”

“bye, bye.”

Jaemin pulled himself off of the floor and picked up his matchbox, tucking it into his sweatshirt pocket. He made his way down the hall to the art corner and looked around for something to draw on himself with. He picked up the pack of markers.

Jaemin drew a little circle and started adding little petals around it. The repetitive rhythm of drawing an infinity flower drew him into a bit of a trance.

He looked up as his phone dinged.

Renjun <3

how are you?

You

better

i think it worked

Renjun <3

ok. I’m glad

ty for texting me

& not going through it alone

You

<3

Renjun <3

<3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my friend just had what Renjun had happen to her. Last night was hard for me. I can't imagine how it was for HER.
> 
> anyway, i hope u all are ok and safe. If you're not, here's a hug if you want one. *hug* bye for now. xoxo


	44. not an update

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> feel free to skip this, ok?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shoutout to WHIPLASH127 you're my other baby uwu. Ty for commenting guys. Comments are so freakin amazing to get.

Hi heheh. Do any of y'all have constructive criticism? Or things you didn't like? What are your least favorite parts? I'm trying to edit this whole thing, but it's ginormous and I'm rly in over my head here. Anything you can remember would help out tons!

Is there anything you'd like to see more of?

I'm sorry if you were expecting an update. There probably won't be one for a while. I can't update until the rest of it is 'perfect', y'know? Do y'all want more updates? If you're vibing with the story, I can try and make s'more chapters. I just want you guys to have the best I can give, y'know? Ok, love y'all. xoxo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry abt this. it's 1am and I am Impulsive rn. I miss u guys. If u wanna talk, I got a twitter. https://twitter.com/chestnut_hm fingers crossed that the link works -3-


	45. attention

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaemin needs attention. but he doesn't get any

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey sorry this is super short. it's just a lil update. Ngl i was crying writing this.
> 
> take care of yourselves, yea?

He had tried it all. Exaggerating stories and making jokes. Breaking into his mother’s alcohol stash. Stating explicitly that he had a date with suicide coming up.

No one really gave a shit.

No one really gave a shit about Jaemin. Sure, they responded with quick, caring notes.

It wasn’t enough.

But nobody wanted to listen to him ramble for four hours about how he was feeling insecure with his creative outlets.

Nobody loved him enough to stay forever.

Jaemin didn’t blame them. He didn’t blame them at all.

Who would want to take care of him?

He had nothing to offer.

Jaemin hadn’t cried in months. And now he was crying because he wasn’t getting _attention_? What the hell was wrong with him?

Jaemin took in a deep breath, and let it go. Rubbed his eyes, wiped his nose, and stood up.

He just wanted to talk to somebody.

And it hurt so damn much that he couldn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so with the editing thing, I'm gonna read through and make sure every chapter runs okay, but I think I'm gonna take a lil break from it and work on writing. I'm runnin' outta steam, y'know? There's big changes I have planned with just moving everything around and cutting out some stuff and adding in some stuff. If there's anything u hold dearly to your heart that you don't want me to cut, lemme know.


	46. rock bottom and worries, back to the hospital we go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaemin gets another depressive episode. Jeno and Renjun struggle :) Sometimes it's time to get professional help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello everybody :D I tried to show a lil bit more of Jeno and Renjun's part of this. I got a lovely suggestion to try and focus on that. I hope I did okay ^^ it was a lil hard to see it from their point of view, I gotta say. I'll try and play around more with their worrying, becuz the whump is *chefs kiss*

Recurring major depression. I guess this is what they meant by recurring. Jaemin was _always_ on the brink of a mental breakdown. This was _different_. This was so much fucking worse than a mental breakdown. It was when there was nothing left to break.

Jaemin looked dead. He was asleep, like always. They peeked in the room about every twenty minutes to make sure he was still safe. Jaemin looked dead. He was skin and bones. This wasn’t the eating thing. Not anymore. Jaemin didn’t have the will to eat.

It was _scary_. It was painful to watch.

Jeno glanced to Renjun and saw the same helpless look he saw when he looked in the mirror. He reached for Renjun’s hand and held on tight.

“Do you think it’s okay to wake him up?” Renjun asked softly.

Jeno slowly nodded. He knew, at least, that Jaemin was getting more than enough sleep.

Renjun nodded back, and they entered the room carefully, walking to the Jaemin-shaped lump under the blankets and kneeling by his side.

“Jaemin,” Jeno whispered. Jaemin laid still on the bed. “Nana, it’s us.” They skipped the formalities. ‘How are you’s were pointless. It was just cruel to make Jaemin answer when everyone already knew.

There was a patch of silence.

What should they say? How did they make time pass faster for Jaemin? Had he ever asked for something before? When he really, really was low.

_“…tell me a happy story?”_

“Do you wanna hear a happy story?”

It seemed those were magic words. “mm. ‘f ‘s okay,” Jaemin finally said, speech slow and un-rhythmic.

“Of course it’s okay. Um, so, let’s see…”

“I feel so useless,” Renjun whispered shakily.

“I know. So do I.” Jeno held both Renjun’s hands in his own, tightly, desperately. As if they were the only thing left holding him to Earth. “He’s hurting. Everyday. How do we make it better? What do I have to do?” He asked, eyes big, looking for guidance.

Renjun hung his head.

“I don’t know.

“…I think we need to get him to the hospital. He needs help. This is bigger than both of us.”

“He’s never gonna agree.”

“He’s sick,” Renjun said softly. “They can help him feel better. He’s gotta _want_ to feel better, right?”

Jeno lifted his shoulders in a shrug, mouth curving up bitterly. “Does he?”

“Nana baby, is it time for the hospital?” Jeno asked.

“mm-mm.”

“Angel bear, they can help you get on new meds; help you feel a little less worse.”

Jaemin eyed him. “so what.”

“Don’t you want it to stop hurting?” Renjun asked.

“’S Impossible. Fuckin’ cycle repeats.”

“It will, baby. But feelings aren’t permanent. It’ll repeat to nicer times, too.”

Jaemin blinked. “Don’t care.”

Jeno was radiating distress. He was already tugging a little at his hair. Renjun wordlessly went to the dresser and picked out one of the stress balls, tossing it over. He leaned back onto the dresser with an exhausted sigh. “Nana, what else do we do? Let you waste away?”

“yuh.”

Jeno squeezed the stress ball harder. “Believe it or not, we _do_ give a shit about you. So that’s not really an option.”

Jaemin sniffed. “Sucks to be you.”

“Yea, it does. But Jeno’s dealing with it, unlike you,” Renjun said, patience worn.

“Oh, this is gonna be good.”

Renjun looked at Jaemin incredulously. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

Jaemin stared him down. “You gonna lose your temper? Beat some sense into me?”

“Not everybody is your dad! I’m not gonna go ape shit ‘cuz I’m upset!” Renjun said shrilly. “Let’s look at the only two options here. You go to that hospital and feel better for a little bit, or you fucking die from starvation.”

“mhm”

Renjun closed his eyes. “You’re choosing death, I assume.”

Jaemin gave him a smile.

“Don’t-don’t smile like that. It’s creepy,” Renjun said. “Your eyes are all dead inside.”

The smile dropped off his face effortlessly. “Sorry.”

“No, don’t apologize. Um…god.”

“Okay, so let’s say dying isn’t an option,” Jeno started. “Let’s say you learned to accept life as it is. You won’t be suffering anymore.”

“But it is an option.”

“Okay, then let’s say it’s not,” Renjun said. “…You trust me, right?”

“yea.”

“Then when I say, that in time you’ll change your mind, you trust that I’m telling you the truth?”

Jaemin frowned. “How can you know?”

Renjun shook his head, holding out his hands and grasping at the air. “Because I’ve seen you before. I see you when the sickness recedes for a little while. And you _love_ life. Kids, dancing, singing, your little sister, _us_ , going on walks in the winter, drawing, k-pop. You’ll change your mind, I promise. And you might change your mind again, but we’ll be there to tell you to hold on. This sickness doesn’t have to be terminal.”

“It’s just a sickness,” Jeno said. “It’s just your brain doing it’s best. It needs medicine, and love, and time, but it will let you feel relief. Choose _life_. Please, Nana,” he said.

Jaemin swallowed. He looked down. “That was very inspiring, guys. Bravo.”

“Jaemin. Do you trust us?” Renjun asked Jaemin, looking at him intently.

“yea.”

“Then trust us when we say, _live_.”

“…I’m tired.”

“I know. The hospital can help you feel less tired.”

“…really?”

“Really.”

“…okay.”


	47. hospital life, mom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jaemin's in the hospital. There, he talks a lil bit abt his mom, and eventually confronts her.  
> This chappie's my personal therapy hw ^^

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope this chapter's ok. Thanks for dealing w my needy ass guys. I know it isn't vry professional of me to be so unsure. but your comments n stuff r always rly reassuring. I'm glad some of u are liking this. i'm gonna try and edit past chapters smore now.

Jaemin was tired. His roommate was a fucking nightmare, going through Jaemin’s stuff and sitting on his bed and calling them best friends and getting Jaemin in trouble. Jaemin complained to the staff until they switched him. His new roomie was decent. They played cards together sometimes.

He wasn’t allowed to go to the cafeteria anymore. They kept him in the main building and watched him like a hawk, making sure he ate every last crumb of his food.

They got him on some new med that he couldn’t pronounce and upped one of his other ones. One of the nurses always forgot to check under his tongue to make sure he’d taken it.

It was fine. Just boring as hell. The highlight of the week was when Renjun would drive up to visit him. Jeno made it too sometimes. Sometimes he did not.

Jaemin missed his phone.

-

The worst was when she came home crying.

Jaemin would make himself as small as he could and try to melt into the furniture.

He fought his laughter and asked himself, once again, why the fuck his mom crying was funny to him?

Then the loud noises started, and he was drained of humor. The aggressive handling, throwing shit around, the restrained yells, the sniffles, the slams, the aggressively jumping, whatever the hell that was.

Tonight, she was playing encouraging, upbeat music in the background. She knew the songs well enough to sing along. Jaemin almost laughed. Almost.

-

“Yea, yea. Write that shit down,” Jaemin encouraged as the therapist scribbled aggressively into their notebook. They looked up briefly and gave him a little grimace, before turning back to their notes.

“Now this part’s gonna be important, okay?”

“Yes, Jaemin. I’m listening.”

“So, she never insulted me, so no verbal abuse, and she never hit me, so no physical abuse!” he said with a grin. “So what does that leave you with? Zero trauma.” He pointed to their notebook. “You can cross out what you just wrote, is what I’m saying.”

They frowned. “It’s still a hard thing to have happen. Your feelings of fear and such are valid.”

“No they’re fucking not!” Jaemin yelled suddenly. He took a deep breath.

“No, they’re not.”

“Jaemin-”

“I forgot how boring it is here, y’know?” he asked, changing the topic.

They sighed. “I get that a lot,” they said, nodding. “This isn’t an amusement park though; it _is_ a hospital.”

“’K.”

“Can you tell me more about your mother?” they tried.

Jaemin glared. “What, you want me to make stuff up? That’s it. I just told you everything she ever did.”

“Do you have any good memories of her?”

Jaemin bit his lip, thinking. “Yeah. When she told me I’m skinny. That was the only damn praise I ever got. She has fat phobia,” he told them matter-of-factly.

They hummed, writing some more. “I heard you’ve had trouble eating at meals. Are these two things anyhow connected?”

“Yeah, a don’t eat food because of her.” Jaemin scoffed. “As if I’d let her have that power over me. I don’t eat at meals ‘cuz the food is shit.”

“You’re also severely underweight,” they added.

“Oh, no. You caught me. I don’t eat ‘cuz I have mommy issues.”

“Do you?”

Jaemin’s jaw shifted. “I dunno,” he said. “Is this session almost over? I’m missing the movie.”

“What’re they playing?”

“Some old movie. I dunno.”

They nodded. “Well, we’re almost done here. Hang in there.”

“Look, what else do you wanna hear?”

“I was wondering what would happen if you told her how upset these things made you,” they said.

“She’d cry.”

“Would you be willing to tell her this with me there to mediate? I think it would help a lot in your healing.”

Jaemin frowned. “Do I have a choice?”

“Yes, it’s up to you,” they said.

“Y’know what? Fine.”

-

“Hi.”

“hello, Jaemin.”

Jaemin kept his eyes glued to the ground. “What’m I supposed to say?” he asked the therapist.

“Tell her what you told me. Maybe without the curse words,” they advised.

“Okay. …You basically ruined my childhood,” Jaemin blurted.

“Jaemin, I’m _sorry-_ ” his mother started.

“Nope.” He looked up. “Let me finish. You were _mean_ and didn’t care about us at all.”

“Of course, I cared about you, I’m your mother!”

“If you cared you would’ve acknowledged us instead of telling us to go away!” Jaemin’s eyes burned. “If you cared a little less about yourself and how miserable you were as a housewife, you would’ve seen that four fucking _children_ were in dire need of some love from mummy!”

“I’m sorry, Jaemin,” she blubbered. The waterworks were starting.

“ **I don’t care if you’re sorry or not.** Sorry doesn’t change the past, _sorry_ ,” Jaemin said sarcastically. “Sorry doesn’t change the fact that you manipulated _children_ and _emotionally scarred_ them.” Great. Now they were both crying like fools. Jaemin rubbed his eyes harshly. “I’m fucking done.” He shoved his chair back with a screech and left the room, speeding down the hallway away from _her_. The exits were all locked, but at least he could hide in the bathroom for a while.

Jaemin slammed the bathroom door shut behind him and _cried_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> now the healing can begin (maybe >:))


	48. fear of future, bonding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaemin and Renjun drive home from the hospital. During which, they share their fears of Jaemin's future lows. Then they come home and have a little bonding time together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> good evening my stars :) I hope you are well. If not, take care of yourselves the best you can, ok?
> 
> I hope this chapter is enjoyable ^^ I was inspired and ready to write, and I did a little bit, but then I had to stop and the magic moment passed, sadly. But I hope there is still some niceness in this :)
> 
> unedited for now. I'll edit tomorrow if you wanna wait :)

“Are you ready, you think?” Renjun asked, eyes on the road. “You’re doing okay?”

“Yea,” Jaemin said easily. “I’m on the good stuff.” He stuck his head out the window to feel the wind. It seemed refreshing, whipping in his face.

“What’re you gonna do when you get used to the new meds though? This happens every time, nana. You’re gonna be mad you’re feeling numb and stop taking them.”

Jaemin shook his head, lips curving up into a smile. “I’m used to it now. I won’t stop taking them. They help.”

Renjun looked sad. Jaemin didn’t like it when Renjun was sad. “Aren’t you happy I’m coming back home? I missed you,” he said, putting a pout into his voice.

“Yeah, of course we missed you too. But you’re not better,” Renjun said.

They came to a red light.

“What’re you talking about?”

Renjun didn’t look away from the glowing red.

“hey.” Jaemin poked Renjun’s leg gently. “What do you mean I’m not better? I’m up and walking and everything.”

“But it’s gonna come back. And you’re gonna be in pain, and it’s so painful to watch.”

The light turned green.

Renjun shook his head, pressing on the gas. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to talk about this.”

“No, tell me,” Jaemin said softly. “Please?”

“I just…I’m tired of the circles of depressed and not depressed. I just want you to be happy.”

Jaemin laughed. “ _Life_ is a circle, Renjunnie. It goes around and around. A giant cycle.”

“I _know_ , damnit. I know. But I’m scared for when you get bad again.”

“…

“…me too.

“I don’t wanna get empty again.”

“We’re home,” Renjun said from the doorway.

Jeno jumped from where he was sitting at the kitchen table, waiting, like a puppy for his owner. “Nana~” Jeno wrapped Jaemin up in his arms, kissing the crown of his head. “You’re back. How are you?”

Jaemin smiled, dropping his bags to hug Jeno back. “I’m doing better.”

“I’m glad,” Jeno said softly, eyes sincere. “So happy new year,” he said, leaning down to pick up Jaemin’s bags for him. He nodded his head towards the bedroom and started walking that way. “Me and ‘junnie just kinda slept through the ball dropping and stuff. Nothing too exciting. Did you make a resolution there?”

Jaemin nodded. “to work on my acceptance.”

“Do you have a plan?”

“Ah, yea, um. I’m gonna do daily recordings in the morning tracking my progress of practicing,” Jaemin said.

Jeno started unpacking Jaemin’s clothes, putting the shirts back in their dresser. “that sounds like a wonderful plan,” he said.

Renjun came in the room, walking up to Jaemin, putting his arms around him. “mhm. Welcome home, snowflake baby. Anything you wanna eat? We could go out even. Up to you.”

“…”

“bunny?”

He was staring off into space, silent.

Renjun shook his shoulder gently. “Nana?”

“yea,” Jaemin said airily.

“You okay?”

“…mhm. Just…adjusting to my meds. I think. Feels like I’m floating.”

Renjun and Jeno shared a glance. “Do you wanna sit down?” Renjun asked, tugging him towards the bed.

“mm” Jaemin followed and sat quietly, not quite making eye contact with either of them.

“What’re you feeling?” Jeno asked, sitting next to them carefully.

Jaemin looked up at him with big eyes. “I dunno.” He shrugged.

Renjun rubbed his back. “Do you need anything?”

“Nope~ I have you. That’s all I need,” Jaemin said, smiling into space.

“Do you _want_ anything?” Renjun asked, tilting Jaemin’s face towards him.

Jaemin closed his eyes.

“attention?” he whispered secretly, as if it caused him physical pain to say it out loud.

“That’s…all?” Jeno asked, slightly bemused.

“’S not that easy.”

Renjun ran his thumb across Jaemin’s cheekbone. Jaemin sighed, eyes fluttering a tiny bit. “Why is it not easy?” Renjun asked him.

“It’s me,” Jaemin said lightly. “I’ll bore the hell out of you and be needy and not stop talking ever.”

“…What’s wrong with that?” Jeno finally asked, slotting their hands together with special care.

“Mm. I need too much.” Jaemin nuzzled into Renjun’s hand, breathing slowly.

Jeno swallowed down the lump in his throat. “There’s wrong with needing a little love.”

Jaemin pulled his face out of Renjun’s grasp.

“but it’s me,” he said, voice tiny. “I’m too greedy.”

“Snowflake, you barely let us care for you. How is that greedy?”

Jaemin shrugged, opening his eyes. He looked at the ground. “I want too much.”

“Do you really?” Jeno asked, ducking his head to try and catch Jaemin’s eyes. “Tell us what you want, and we’ll tell you, okay?”

“okay.”

Renjun patted Jaemin’s hand. “We’ll let you know, okay?” he said reassuringly.

Jaemin stared at the ground. “I want attention. I wanna talk and someone to wanna talk to me. I want them to ask me what’s on my mind, and to _really_ want to know. To pay extra attention and be interested. Be up in my face and-and…and love me for real.”

You could hear a pin drop.

Jeno hugged Jaemin, hiding Jaemin from the rest of the world. He scooped Jaemin up into his lap. “are you comfortable?” he asked quietly. Jaemin nodded, head resting on his chest.

Renjun moved so he was right in front of Jaemin’s line of view. “hi,” he said simply.

“hi.”

“talk to me? About anything.”

“anything,” Jeno echoed. Jaemin felt his voice rumble through his chest. It was oddly comforting.

“mm. ‘junnie? Nono?”

“We’re here.”

Jaemin looked into Renjun’s eyes. It was intense. Jaemin looked at Renjun’s shirt instead. It had thick stripes.

“What’s wrong?” Renjun asked.

Jaemin shook his head mutely.

“Can you look at me?”

It was a simple task. It should’ve been, anyway. Jaemin started to feel frustrated as he couldn’t find the will to raise his eyes. He wanted to be good. He just wanted to be good.

“Honey?”

“mhm.”

Jeno kissed the top of his head. “Are you okay?”

“mhm.”

“Reeally?”

Jaemin giggled. “mm.”

Renjun took Jaemin’s chin in his hand and raised Jaemin’s head. “Is this okay?” he asked.

Jaemin’s eyes flickered to Renjun’s briefly. Renjun’s pupils were big. His eyes were sparkling, like little stars were trapped inside them. Jaemin wanted to keep looking at them. They were pretty.

“Love?”

Jaemin nodded.

“Is this okay?” Renjun was holding his face up gently.

“’s okay.”

“Do you wanna talk? We’d love to listen.”

Jaemin sniffled. “’s okay. I just wanna sleep right now. I didn’t sleep last night,” he said.

Renjun stroked Jaemin’s cheek gently. “You’ll tell us when you wanna talk?”

“…”

Jaemin kind of felt like crying.

He wrapped his arms around himself, making himself smaller in Jeno’s hold.

“I’m scared to.”

“Oh, honeybun. Why?” Jeno cooed sadly.

“I don’t want you to realize I’m just annoying, and…and leave.”

“we’re not gonna leave. Y’know why?”

Jaemin shook his head.

“’Cause we love all of you. I know the kind of love you’re used to is shitty, but I wanna show you how _nice_ it can feel.”

“How nice?”

“Yes, baby boy,” Renjun said.

“well…I think I’d like that,” Jaemin said quietly.

Jeno started rocking them slowly.

“You’d like it?”

“mhm”

“Well then, we’ll show you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okie so for me, this was a big chapter. It meant a lot to me, and I dunno if it translated, but this was a big step. I started getting foggy towards the end, so I apologize if it got a little sloppy ^^' I hope it was ok regardless.


	49. Hygiene

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaemin gets clean with the help of Renjun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ^^ hello. I hope this chappie is fluffy as I tried to make it. Hope you enjoy!

“Honey, the deodorant’s not cutting it anymore. Can you shower?”

Jaemin pouted. “Sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize, just like, are you able to?” Renjun asked around a mouthful of goulash.

“um.” Jaemin looked at both of them with big eyes.

Jeno patted his leg. “Is it too rainy?” Jeno asked gently.

Jaemin looked down at his bowl. “umm.” His portion was much smaller than Renjun and Jeno’s. It made it easier to eat more than just a bite when he knew the whole thing was less calories.

“Nana?”

“Sorry. Ah…It’s just kind of a daunting thing,” Jaemin said quietly, stirring his little bit of goulash.

“Do you want help?” Renjun asked. “Like, washing?”

“It’s okay. You don’t have to.”

“Well, what if I want to?”

Jaemin’s eyes flickered up briefly to see Renjun. He was looking at Jaemin softly, caringly. He was really offering. Jaemin felt something warm bloom inside his chest. “If…If you want to. I probably wouldn’t be able to on my own, to be honest.”

“After dinner then?”

“okay.”

“Okay, so I’ll sit here, and you sit in front of me, okay?”

Jaemin nodded. He got in the bathtub carefully, as to not disturb the water too much. He didn’t really like water. It made all his dead skin loosen. It was gross. Not showering for two weeks meant a lot of dead skin.

Renjun climbed in behind him and back hugged Jaemin. “You okay?” he asked quietly.

“mhm”

“Okay,” Renjun breathed out. He moved back a little bit and grabbed the washcloth sitting on the edge of the tub. He soaked it, and then started wetting Jaemin’s upper body, squeezing the washcloth onto his hair and rubbing along Jaemin’s skin gently. “Is the water warm enough?”

Jaemin nodded.

Renjun moved on to soap up Jaemin’s body and scrub, gently, to clean all the grime away. He was so gentle, and thorough. Jaemin felt special, having all of Renjun’s attention set on pampering him.

“I’m gonna do your hair now, okay?”

“mhm”

Renjun’s careful fingers rubbed the soap into his hair caringly. Jaemin was having a hard time keeping his eyes open.

Eventually, Renjun leaned him back to dunk the back of his head in the water, and then Renjun was pulling him out of the tub, grabbing a towel and patting them dry. He helped Jaemin into a fresh pair of clothes and then it was over.

“Wasn’t too bad, right?” Renjun said with a smile.

Jaemin gave him a sleepy smile back. “mm. Nope. All I had to do was sit there. Can we go to bed early?” Jaemin asked. “That made me sleepy.”

“Of course. I’ll go get Jeno, okay? You just head on to bed.”

“mm. Okay.” As Jaemin walked to their bedroom, he thought that today came kind of easy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how was your day today?


	50. eating, meeting Renjun uwu

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaemin struggles to keep on his 'diet'. Then, we get to see a little more of Jeno's head, and how they met Renjun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has been difficult trying to build progress with Jaemin's depression in today's chapter, so I decided to do a little thing that I can see more easily today. I hope this chapter is enjoyable uwu.

Jaemin eyed the packet of rolos as he washed his hands. He should’ve just washed them in the bathroom like a normal person. But he didn’t, as he was a moron. Who would’ve thought coming into the kitchen was a bad idea when you’re trying to avoid food?

He could picture the taste on his tongue as the chocolate would be crushed by his teeth and the sweet caramel would ooze out of the center. “…Damnit,” Jaemin muttered under his breath.

How was he on calories today? He had a klondike, part of the sandwich Renjun got him from some restaurant plus the chips that came with it. Oh, boy did he eat up those slightly soggy chips. Jaemin had went to _town_ , eating them all. And now he wanted candy?

Jaemin picked up the little package and checked for a calorie count. There was none. Typical. He pulled out his phone and looked it up. 28 calories per candy. That was less than 100. His diet was already ruined for today anyway. “I’ll just have one,” he said to himself as he tore open the package. “…Just kidding. I’m gonna have two, ‘cause I’m a fat pig.”

Jaemin ate the rolo, feeling guilty.

Suddenly the hunger felt a little less urgent.

Jeno would be pissed he left an open wrapper on the counter, but Jaemin couldn’t bring himself to throw the second rolo away. Food was precious. He swallowed and set the candy down.

He ate so fucking much today.

Time to head back to the bathroom.

-

Jeno forgot how much he hated going out until his mom dragged him to go shopping with her.

He forgot how it felt to be seeing, but _not_ seeing, everything around him. To feel spacey and clouded and a little sick. How had he done it when he was younger? How did he handle this feeling?

Oh yeah. He dissociated.

It didn’t feel real as he picked up a toy from the aisle next to him.

He could deal with school after the first few weeks passed by, and the path that he took every day to every class became familiar. He could meet up at cafés and parks with Jaemin because it was _Jaemin_. Jeno always could ignore the loud world surrounding them when he was there, laughing too loudly for the place they were in. But the mall? The mall he could not do. And yet here he was.

Jeno set the toy down and turned to ask his mom when they were leaving, when he noticed she was gone.

He walked through the store, checking every aisle, and then checked twice. She was gone. Fuck. Jeno went to the entrance, looking both ways for her long black hair. No dice. This was not good. Jeno felt like a toddler as the panic built in and his eyes started to burn. He tugged on his hair, turning to go back in the shop. He’d just wait for her to find him.

He walked around the shop, looking, before he saw a little corner with a bunch of shirts hanging in a row and slotted himself in between the mediums and the larges, where he sat with his feet pulled up. And he waited.

It couldn’t have been three minutes before he got in trouble.

“Yo. You can’t sit there.”

Jeno slowly raised his head from staring at the shoes, to the pants, to the shirt with a little nametag, to the person’s face. Oh god.

Huang Renjun. The notorious kid from school who had a zillion piercings and got into fights with teachers. Was yelling at him. Jeno almost shat his pants.

“You can’t sit there, man. There’s like, benches and shit out there,” Renjun said, gesturing to the exit.

“…”

“Hey. Can you hear me?” he asked, eyes squinting. In anger, obviously. Jeno stared up at him mutely. “…damn. That’s quite a death glare you got.”

Jeno had a resting bitch face, okay? He tried to smile instead, but it ended up as more of a grimace.

His eyes followed Renjun as he squatted in front of him.

Renjun stared back at him, gaze intense. Jeno was too scared to look away.

“Are you okay?” Renjun asked, poking Jeno’s knee. Jeno flinched. “Shit, sorry. Um.” Renjun touched at his ear, looking off to the side. “Um. What should I do…hm. Are you here with anyone?”

Jeno _really_ didn’t wanna piss him off, so he finally communicated, nodding stiffly.

“Do you know where they are?”

Jeno shook his head.

“Okay.” Renjun stood up. “Let’s go.”

Jeno tilted his head, confused.

“Um, like we can go ask them to call over the loudspeaker thing,” he said. “C’mon.”

Shakily, Jeno stood up too. “I-I can just go-“

Renjun cut him off, giving him kind of a sympathetic look. God, Jeno must look pitiful right now. “I’ll come. I’ve been bored out of my mind stuck in here.” He called behind him that he’d be back to another employee and started walking towards the door, not leaving any room for question. Jeno hurried after him.

They walked in complete silence the entire way there. Jeno was kind of afraid for his life. They got to a room and Renjun opened the door, walking inside. “We lost somebody. Can you call for them?”

The lady sighed and nodded. “What’s the name?”

“Their name is um-” he glanced at Jeno questioningly.

Jeno leaned forward and whispered it into his ear.

Renjun raised an eyebrow but answered for him all the same. “-Mrs. Lee.”

The lady called his mom to the room and they all waited until she showed up.

“Jeno. What am I going to do with you? Thank you,” she said, bowing her head to the lady. “C’mon, let’s go.”

Jeno grabbed onto her wrist and vowed to never let go. He turned awkwardly to Renjun. “um. Thanks.”

“For sure,” Renjun said easily. “Jeno right?”

Jeno nodded.

“I’ll see you around,” Renjun said, walking towards the door.

“mhm…”

Huh. What a terrifying experience.

Well, on the bright side, he didn’t shit his pants.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You don't know how much I love you guys. The support and seeing your guys reactions are so amazing to see. Even if you don't comment, I don't know you that well I know, but just I hope you're enjoying and thank you guys so much for continuing to read. ;-; I appreciate you. You guys take care of yourselves the best u can, ok?
> 
> Constructive criticism is greatly appreciated!


	51. singing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaemin finds his way through another day. Plus a little flashback of the first time he got caught singing, and even more worse, on his birthday.

Jaemin had woken up for breakfast and then went back to sleep till noon. Now it was 3:41 and he had done nothing the entire day except scroll through youtube looking for something he’d enjoy, which, spoiler, was nothing.

It wasn’t to say he was depressed, just a little numb and a little tired. Okay, so maybe he was a little depressed. But it wasn’t bad! Jaemin didn’t really know what to do though. What did he do with this so-so mood? How could he make it _magical_?

Maybe he just needed more coffee?

Jaemin padded down to the kitchen, tiredly filling up his mug.

_Why_ was he so lethargic today? Jaemin blamed it on the food. Food makes you sleepy. And he had eaten an entire sandwich, three cookies, and another klondike today. Plus, a packet of hot chocolate. Oh, god. Jaemin grabbed for a pen and paper, listing the foods to look up their calorie count. 160+200+250+49(3)…

757.

Jaemin added 100 calories to be safe. 857. That was a fuckton of calories. That…was just not okay.

Whatever. He’d just not eat anything tomorrow. It was fine. No use in crying over spilled milk.

He downed the coffee and decided to lay down till the caffeine started kicking in.

It always started in his head. His head would start tingling, and that’s how he knew it was working. Jaemin stood up and stretched and wondered what he should do. “Petal?”

_Why don’t you practice on your singing? Then maybe we can record for the song you’re working on._

Ah. “okay.”

Jaemin pulled up youtube and started up some karaoke. He _really_ wanted to improve his singing. It was a little embarrassing, but he loved to do it. It had been a gross time when Renjun and Jeno first found out.

-

Jaemin wasn’t in choir. All the bitchy girls were in choir. Actually, the bitchy girls were everywhere. The school was filled to the brim with fake, mean girls, and fake, mean boys. Now of course, Jaemin was friends with them. He was just as fucking fake. Didn’t mean he had to like them.

He wasn’t in choir, no.

_Nobody_ was going to see Jaemin that vulnerable.

The only one who knew about his secret passion was his therapist and his mom. Jaemin had finally gotten down a part of a song he’d been trying to get for days and he was fucking stupid, so he excitedly told his mom at dinner one night. Which of course she told to all her friends after that, but Jaemin chose to ignore that part. His mom was…an exception to every rule. The important part was nobody heard him.

Jaemin only sang at home when his mom was at work. Recently, she’d be out till 8 or 9, busy with her new boytoy.

Now, Jaemin knew Jeno had a key. He was just stupid and assumed Jeno would never come over.

Which was why he was singing at the top of his lungs in his room, voice raw and throat burning, like usual. The outro played, and Jaemin clicked the back button to go to another song.

“…uh, nana?”

Jaemin’s head whipped around, and he took in Jeno and Renjun’s surprised faces. Jaemin screamed.

“hey-“

Jaemin wanted a meteor to hit the earth and kill them all. He did the next best thing and fled underneath his bed. “ _What the hell are you doing in my house?_ ” he screeched, sliding back until his back hit the wall.

“I- It’s your birthday! We wanted it to be a surprise! Sorry!” Jeno said.

Renjun came up and poked his head under the bed.

Jaemin hid his face, kicking blindly at Renjun. “Get away! Get away!”

“Why are you under the bed?” he asked, ignoring Jaemin’s request.

“Have you _not_ heard of personal space?”

“Renjun, come back over here. He said he wants space.”

Bless Jeno’s soul.

Renjun frowned, but stood back up, walking back over to the doorway. “Okay. I’m over here. Why’re you under your bed?”

“This is _mortifying_ oh my god. What the fuck?” Jaemin muttered. “Is it a crime to be under a bed now?” he asked defensively

“No, but I mean, are you embarrassed or something? It’s not a big deal,” Renjun said.

“Oh my god, just drop it, please.” Jaemin’s cheeks were burning in shame. “Why’re you here?”

“It’s your birthday,” Jeno said softly. “We wanted to celebrate it with you.”

“…”

“Nana, it’s okay. I’m sorry we startled you, but you have a really nice voice.”

Jaemin groaned.

“I’m serious,” Jeno said. “It seems like this is a sensitive thing, so I’ll drop it, but like, we don’t mind, y’know? We’re not gonna judge you.”

“Yup. I might ask you to sing with me now though,” Renjun added.

Jaemin saw Jeno kick Renjun’s leg.

“ow!”

“Do you have no tact whatsoever?” Jeno asked exasperatedly.

“Okay, okay, sorry. He has a hell of a voice, though.”

Jaemin felt a little less worse with the compliments. He just wondered if they were genuine. Jaemin peeked his head out from under the bed. “…do you have cake?” he asked meekly, in an attempt to direct the conversation elsewhere.

They visibly brightened. “Yeah, of course! We made a little one,” Jeno said.

“um. Okay. If me doing all the work means ‘we’, then yea.”

“I was moral support,” Jeno protested.

Jaemin finally laughed, crawling out from under the bed and brushing himself off. “Let’s see it then.”

Jeno opened up a bag he was holding, showcasing something covered in aluminum foil. “I’ll open it at the table,” Jeno said.

They made their way to the little kitchen, and Renjun rummaged around Jaemin’s cupboards to find some forks as Jeno pulled off the foil, revealing a humble homemade cake covered in frosting.

Jaemin felt his eyes well up. “You made it, for me?”

“of course, Nana…Oh, gosh, are you crying?” Jeno asked panickily.

“no,” Jaemin said, sniffling. “That would be dumb. Thank you for making me a cake.” He turned to Jeno, squeezing him tight. Jeno hugged him back.

When he pulled back, Jaemin looked at Renjun hopefully. “Do I get a hug from Renjunnie? It’s my birthday, y’know,” he said, pouting.

Renjun’s eyes narrowed, but his blooming cheeks gave him away. “Fine. But only ‘cause it’s your birthday.”

Jaemin carefully wrapped Renjun up into a hug, resting his chin on top of his head.

“Thank you, guys. Really. This means a lot to me.”

“Of course, nana.”

“Happy birthday.”

-

Jeno came into the room and announced, “All done for today,” as he sat down next to Jaemin, wrapping a warm arm around him. “It made me really happy to hear you again,” Jeno said, nudging his nose against Jaemin’s neck. “Is the weather better today?”

“Yea,” Jaemin said.

“mm. I’m glad.” Jeno pulled his phone out of his pocket and turned it on, doing something on it. Jaemin shifted his gaze away. “Injunnie should be home soon,” Jeno said offhandedly. “Do you think you’ll be up to do the racing game tonight with us?”

“Ah. Maybe, yea. Not too late though.”

“Yeah, of course.”

“Okay.” Jaemin gnawed on his lip. “How was your day?”

Jeno smiled. “Oh, it was good. I got a lot done. How about you?”

“It was pretty okay,” Jaemin said. “It was pretty okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading!


	52. eating, permissions, cold weather

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaemin works through eating an apple, and then has a talk w Jeno.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now that I know some of y'alls names I'm seeing u in the comment sections of other fics it's weird XDD not to be creepy or anything :^)

It was becoming a problem. Jaemin didn’t want to get sicker, but he was 3.8 pounds away from his goal weight. “Oh gosh,” Jaemin whispered as he rocked himself slowly. “Oh my gosh.”

He needed to eat. He wasn’t going to get an eating disorder. He wasn’t gonna get worse. Eating disorders were hell. He wasn’t going to get any worse.

He typed through blurry eyes: how to force myself to eat. Nothing. So he tried: how to get over disordered eating.

‘Eating disorders are serious and sometimes [fatal diseases](https://www.verywellmind.com/yes-eating-disorders-can-be-deadly-1138269).1 But they are treatable, and full recovery is possible. When you begin to lose hope, it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.’

Oh god.

He skimmed through many articles, without really getting anywhere.

One did say he should talk about it to someone. …Would they want to hear?

“…Petal?”

_They want you to be more open and stuff, right? I think it’s alright._

Jaemin decided to talk about it later when they were done with work.

“Um, can I talk about something?”

“’Course honeybee,” Renjun said from the bathroom, where he was changing out of his work clothes. “Where do you wanna talk?”

Jaemin looked at his hands. “Any where’s fine,” he said softly.

Renjun poked his head out of the bathroom, looking at Jaemin. “Alright. I’ll get Jeno.” He slipped on a t-shirt quickly and picked up his bundle of clothes to dump in the laundry basket. “I’ll be right back, okay?”

Jaemin nodded.

Both of them sat on either side of Jaemin. They each held onto one of his hands.

“I can’t force myself to eat. I need to eat, but I wanna be skinny.”

Renjun squeezed his hand. “Why, baby?”

“’Cause…’cause I…I…dunno anymore.” Jaemin squeezed his eyes shut and tried to think. “I’m close to-to my goal weight.”

“What’s your goal weight, baby?”

“114 pounds.”

Sharp inhales.

Jaemin pulled his hands away. He suddenly felt claustrophobic, sitting in between them. Could he stand up? Would it be inappropriate to just leave? Probably. Jaemin felt like a freak. “I’m sorry. Just, um, forget I said anything, okay?”

114 pounds.

“How much do you weigh, Jaemin?”

Jaemin folded into himself, making himself smaller. “…Last time I checked, 117.8,” he said, voice small.

“oh, fuck. Nana. Fuck. That’s…”

Jeno put a hand on Jaemin’s back. “Thank you for coming to us,” he said shakily. “I think you really need to talk to your therapist though.”

“It’s fine,” Jaemin said, shaking his head. “I don’t wanna waste my time. There’s more important shit to get through. I got this. I just…need help is all.”

“What do you want us to do?”

“Just like…can you remind me why? Why I should eat?” Jaemin asked.

Renjun ran a hand through Jaemin’s hair, petting it. “Your body needs food to get energy. Energy to survive, to move, to enjoy,” he said. “eating is good.”

Jaemin wanted to be good.

“…so I can eat?”

“yes, baby.”

“of course.”

“do you want something small? Like an apple?”

Jaemin wanted to eat. He didn’t want to get sicker. Underweight was _not_ something to be proud of. His relationship with food was toxic right now, and he could work on that. The first step was to get in today’s calories so he wouldn’t keel over and die. ~~Even though he kind of wanted to die~~. The first step…

“I’ll be good if I eat?”

“nana, you’re already _so_ good. Yes, you’ll be good if you eat.”

“…Alright.”

They brought him out to the kitchen, and Jaemin cut an apple under their supervision.

The first bite was the hardest. Once he finished the first bite, Jaemin knew he’d be a pig and eat the rest. It was just the first bite.

“it’s okay?” he asked, eyes flickering up to them. Jeno gave him an encouraging nod.

Jaemin sighed. He picked up a slice and brought it up to his nose. The apple was fresh. Jaemin could be full just smelling it. He bit into it and felt the juices gush and the crunchy texture. He tried to savor it. The first slice, then the next. And then finally, he was done.

“Good job, nana.”

“you did so well.”

Jaemin felt very very full.

He was tired.

But he ate that damn apple and Jaemin hoped that counted for something.

-

Jaemin was in the middle of reading. It was a story about crime, and gangs, and loyalty. But most importantly, a beautiful romance. Completely captivating. He reached for his bottle of cranberry juice when it hit him again.

A pang of hollowness. An ache.

His hand hit the bottle and it clattered to the ground. Jaemin couldn’t find it in him to care if it leaked onto the floor or if it didn’t.

He tried to focus back on the story, but he was getting empty again.

Jaemin slowly laid down as the energy seemed to seep out of him.

Exercise would help. Maybe. What were his coping skills? Jaemin always forgot.

Poetry. Poetry was one. Focusing on rhyming and less on the ache. Getting his emotions out on paper.

Jaemin dragged himself out of bed and grabbed his notebook and a pen before sliding back under the warm covers. He stepped in a little puddle of cranberry juice on his way back.

Poetry was a dud. Jaemin just got tired and fell back asleep. He woke up for dinner, and now here he was, reading the story about a mafia boss, trying to fly away to a world of a dashing romance.

Jaemin’s meds were fucking with him. That had to be it. _That’s_ why he was so sad today. Why he felt so much _guilt_ and _fear._ …Why did he have to _care_ all of a sudden?

He was feeling emotions again. He didn’t like that. Jaemin knew that with emotions came pain. And call him a coward, but Jaemin did not want pain. He hated being numb, but Jaemin thought he hated this more. Emotions made him vulnerable and weak and gave him pain. And it hurt too damn much. Something as simple as a diamond rose made his chest _ache_ from the beauty. Something as complicated as a seemingly unrequited love made his insides weep for relief.

Jaemin didn’t know how to handle these feelings. He didn’t know how to make them pretty without hurting.

He didn’t know how to try and sort this out with his stupid fucking meds making him dumb. Jaemin couldn’t think.

He was growing tired of this.

“Darling?”

“Yupso.” Jeno was walking around to the side of the bed where he inevitably found the spilled juice.

“Oh, okay. Hold on.” Jaemin pulled down the covers to watch as Jeno grabbed some tissues to soak it up.

“Shit.” Jaemin rubbed the back of his neck. “Sorry.”

Jeno gave him a tired smile. “It’s okay. Just um…let’s try and get to it sooner next time, okay?”

And here came the guilt. _Useless, worthless, dragging everyone backwards, there’s a big ass stain and it’s all your fault, Renjun’s gonna be pissed, Jeno’s disappointed, **burden**_.

“Nana?”

“Yea?”

Jeno looked concerned. “What’s wrong?” he asked.

Everything. “Nothing.”

Jeno stood up, holding the drenched tissues in a loose grip. Jaemin watched as the red dripped from between his fingers. _Pretty._

“Can you look at me please?” Jeno asked.

Jaemin raised his head. He felt very small.

Some people’s eyes were so _sincere_ and kind. It was so, so much harder when kind eyes got upset. They were disappointed. Jaemin didn’t want to be a disappointment. Jeno didn’t look disappointed, but Jaemin knew he was. He knew, he knew, he knew, all of the words Jeno was holding back because he was kind. And one day he’d lose control, and everything would come spilling out, and when kind eyes became cold was the worst of all.

“Tell me the weather?”

Jaemin felt afraid. “…cold.”

Jeno kneeled beside him, and Jaemin suddenly felt so small.

He knew his eyes and nose were pink. He knew that crying made people feel bad. He was so awful, manipulating Jeno to feel bad for him.

“What’s wrong, angel?” Jeno was rubbing circles into Jaemin’s knee with his thumb. “You can tell me. I won’t get mad,” Jeno said softly.

Jaemin felt a tear escape and dribble down his cheek.

“oh, _baby_.” Jeno looked so sad as he wiped the tear away with gentle fingers.

“I’m sorry I spilled juice.”

“It’s okay to spill juice, honey, as long as you clean it up,” Jeno said, looking at him intently. “And if you can’t do it on your own, you’re always allowed to ask me or junnie, or someone you trust for help. Try,” he said. “And if you can’t do it, then it’s okay to ask for help.”

Jaemin stared at Jeno with big eyes.

“C’mere,” Jeno said, holding his hands out for Jaemin to crawl into.

Jaemin scooted closer, still looking at Jeno.

Jeno tilted his head. “Do you not want to? That’s okay, too.”

Why was it up to him? Jaemin didn’t know _what_ he wanted.

“Do you want to just hold hands or something?” Jeno offered.

Jaemin looked down at Jeno’s hand, then back up, and nodded. Giving him a little smile, Jeno picked up one of Jaemin’s hands to hold in his own. “Do you want to tell me what’s wrong now, honey? Or no?”

“…” Jaemin subconsciously brought up his other hand to cover his throat. “…mummy’s mad,” he said quietly.

“No, baby. I’m not mad,” Jeno said.

“Well ‘should be,” Jaemin said, looking at the ground.

“hey.”

Jaemin jerked his head up, rubbing his throat anxiously.

“hey.” Jeno gave him a gentle smile. “nana, do you know why I’m not mad?”

Jaemin shook his head.

“It’s because spilled juice is noo reason to get angry, in my opinion. It’s silly to get angry at every little thing, don’t you think?”

Jaemin nodded his head, agreeing even if he didn’t get it.

“Do you have any questions?”

“…why does mom get angry all the time then?”

Jeno’s smile became strained. “Because your mom is sick. Her head is sick, and she forgot how to take care of it.”

“My head is sick too.”

Jeno nodded slowly.

“Am I like mom?” Jaemin asked.

“No, because your actions are different. You don’t hurt anyone. Well, you hurt yourself instead. And that’s just as awful, but in a different way. You’re not a threat to society, is what I’m saying. Do you understand how those are different?”

Jaemin nodded.

“So when she’s mad at you it’s just because she’s sick. Can you say that?” Jeno asked.

“When she’s mad at me it’s just because she’s sick.”

“Right. Good job.”

Jaemin’s eyes gleamed hopefully, even though he didn’t smile.

“Okay mummy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me trying to set a healthy example even though all I eat is trash: hm. Yes. Apple is fruit.


	53. my friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Petal is lonely so Jaemin tries to comfort them by talking to them and giving them a hug.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys. Today we get a flashback to jaemin's adolescent days. What fun times. This chapter's kinda rough. Todays kinda rough. I hope it's still okay. i can't tell how bad it is :')

“Petal?”

_Yea?_

Jaemin was in bed. It was a school day, probably. His parents didn’t really give a shit though if he went. He didn’t know what day it was. Didn’t know the last time he ate, the last time he left his room.

Petal was his only company.

“Does the moon get lonely?” Jaemin asked quietly.

…

…

_Yes._

Jaemin closed his eyes in relief as they answered. “Petal,” he whispered. “How does the moon cope?”

_…the moon often weeps, I think. Expressing its loneliness helps ease everything._

_Jaemin…I think…am I lonely?_

Jaemin’s eyes opened. He looked at them in dismay. “Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no. Petal, I’m so sorry. You can talk to me,” Jaemin offered them sincerely. “I’ll listen, and respond, and-and…do you want a hug? I’ll give you a hug and then you’ll feel better. Do you want a hug?”

 _Yes please_.

Jaemin tugged them closer and wrapped Petal up in his arms. He sat up, cradling them. “Isn’t this better?” he whispered. “Doesn’t it feel nice to just have someone warm hugging you?”

_Mhm._

Jaemin smiled sweetly. “You can talk. I’m all ears.”

_I don’t know many things to talk about, Jaemin._

Jaemin frowned. “Nonsense. I’ll give you a word to prompt you, and maybe that will help. Wanna try?”

_Sure._

“Painted walls.”

_I remember that post about the couple who left a note under their wallpaper, scolding the newcomers for not appreciating their choice of wall._

Jaemin nodded, laughing. “I remember that, too.”

_Up, up._

Jaemin smiled a little and picked Petal up, resting their head on his shoulder. “Let’s see…lions.”

They went through many words, until Petal got tired and then they fell asleep together, hand in hand.

It was nice to have a friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha. yes. *wipes tear* just jaemin comforting himself since he has no one else. what a fun chapter. whee :')


	54. oopsies i forgot to tell you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaemin forgot to tell them about the disposal of the pills. Chaos ensues :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heey! I hope this is ok. It took me a bunch of tries to get this, I hope I didn't miss completely my dear jumpingbean. Seeing from the other boys' povs comes a little hard for me ^^' Regardless! I hope you guys have a wonderful day! If it's awful, then hold in there, I guess my hope is being saved for a rainy day.

Jeno was on a cleaning spree. He was vibrating with energy and sprung room to room, purging and organizing. He got to the closet. The special closet with the special boots housing the special box.

Jeno pulled out the boots with care, setting them down on the floor. He reached his hand inside, to find…nothing. He checked the other boot, then the bottom of the closet, then all the other shoes.

It was getting hard to breathe.

“Junnie?!”

Renjun came down the hallway in a hurry. “What? What’s wrong?”

Jeno looked up at him with panicked eyes. “I can’t find it.”

“It? …oh.” Renjun’s eyes lit up in realization. “…Jaemin just went off on a walk,” he said slowly. “That motherfucker.”

Renjun marched to the door, grabbing his jacket off the hook. “Wait, wait!” Jeno clung onto Renjun’s arm. “What do I do?”

Renjun looked at him, biting his lip. “I dunno,” he said. “Just keep your phone on, okay?”

“but…”

Renjun squeezed Jeno in a hug for a moment before pulling away. “I gotta go, okay? Like, right now. I’ll be back, alright? I’ll…I’ll keep you updated. I love you.”

Jeno watched Renjun leave off into the cold. He wrapped his arms around himself, feeling the urge to cry.

“fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-” Renjun was running. Down the route Jaemin liked to go. It passed by the water. Jaemin said he liked the view.

_Don’t let it be too late, please don’t let it be too late._

Jaemin was stupid. He was the stupidest fucking person Renjun had ever met. If he fucking died, Renjun was going to bring him to life just to kill him again.

“Jaemin Na you fucking piece of shit!”

Jaemin turned his head to see Renjun barreling towards him. “Wha-” Renjun rammed into him, reaching out to just _hold_ Jaemin. Renjun fell to his knees, hugging Jaemin’s legs.

“Alright. Playtime’s over. Gimme it,” Renjun said between gasping for air.

“Give you what?”

“You fucking-the box! Your stupid insurance! Give me it, you fucking moron.”

Jaemin looked down at him, confused. “I don’t have it.”

Renjun glared up at him, tears streaming down his face. “It’s _gone_.”

“Yea, exactly,” Jaemin said. “It’s gone. You’re a mess. Why’re you crying?” he asked, brushing a hand through Renjun’s hair.

“Where is it?”

“I told you. It’s gone. I threw it in the river.”

Renjun stared up at him for a moment before he burst into tears.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, I got you,” Jaemin said, kneeling in front of Renjun. He wrapped his arms around Renjun, rocking them side to side. “It slipped my mind to tell you guys. I’m sorry.” He kissed the top of Renjun’s head. “Did you think I was gonna do it?”

Renjun nodded.

“Oh, baby. They’re gone. It’s over. It’s over. Did Jeno…is he okay?” Jaemin asked.

Renjun shook his head, reaching into his jacket to pull out his phone, shakily pressing it into Jaemin’s hands.

“Okay, I’ll call him. I’ll call him.”

Jeno was glaring at the door. It was just a stupid door. Two steps and he’d be outside. Why couldn’t he do it? Not even for Jaemin?

God, was he pathetic.

Jaemin could be out there, frothing at the mouth, and Jeno couldn’t even step outside for him.

Images of Jaemin’s still body started appearing in his head.

All black, giving speeches about what a good person Jaemin was. How he had succumbed to the illness.

Crying. How would they move on? They wouldn’t. A world without Jaemin was a world without the sun. Unlivable.

Jeno couldn’t breathe.

There was ringing. Why was there ringing?

Jeno staggered towards the sound.

His phone.

Jeno picked it up and pressed the little green square.

“Jeno.”

Jaemin.

“Jeno the pills are gone. I threw them in the river.”

All black, crying, coffins, death, wasting away.

Jaemin’s not dead.

But he will be someday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :^)


	55. renjun's story, attention, quiet morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We get to see a little more of Renjun's suffering >:) Then, they eat dinner and find more self harm that Jaemin did to himself. And then, we get a quiet morning with the three because I'm feeling emotional

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope this chappies alright! Take care of yourself, ok? <3

“What the hell happened to you?!”

Renjun was limping. He dragged himself up onto the cafeteria stool across from Jaemin. “None of your beeswax, that’s what,” Renjun answered, slamming his tray down onto the table.

“...This wasn’t your grandpa. Tell me it wasn’t your grandpa,” Jaemin said, face growing pale.

Renjun looked up at him. “It wasn’t my grandpa,” he said, monotone.

“This isn’t funny, Renjun,” Jaemin said weakly. “I swear to god, please tell me what happened. _Please_. You’re a really bad liar. I know the bruises aren’t fucking from you falling down the stairs, oh my god, oh my god-”

“Hey.” Renjun flicked Jaemin’s forehead. “It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not!”

“Look, I can hold my own. I’m not his fucking plaything anymore,” Renjun said, eyes glittering. “I gave him as good as I got.”

Jaemin bit his lip hard enough to draw blood.

“You have to report him to the police.”

“I don’t _have_ to do anything,” Renjun said, opening his milk carton. Jaemin stopped him before he could drink, putting a hand over the opening.

“You have to report him to the police,” he said. “This isn’t okay.”

Renjun slapped his hand away. “I told you already. I’m fine. The bastard doesn’t control me _anymore._ ”

Jaemin stared at Renjun. “You’re different.”

Renjun scowled. “Yea. I’m not a quivering baby anymore,” he said, digging into his food. “Did you do the chem homework?”

“ _Renjun_.”

“what?”

Jaemin’s head was pounding.

“I don’t care if you’re fighting back. It doesn’t make it any more okay.”

“Nobody cares!” Renjun slammed his fist on the table. “Don’t you get it? Literally nobody gives a flying fuck! What do you think I tried to do? I _told_ the police. They didn’t do jack shit. All I got was a black eye when they left.”

Jaemin…didn’t know what to say.

“just drop it.”

Jaemin swallowed and nodded.

-

how to help friend being abused

-

It was dinner time. Jaemin had his little portion, and Jeno and Renjun had their normal portions, and everything was normal. Jeno was still spiraling, but that was his own business.

“How’re you guys?” Renjun asked.

Jeno looked up from his bowl. “Pretty good,” he said. He gave a little smile before turning back to his food. “I’m happy for you, nana. You did really good, so, so good throwing the box away.”

Renjun reached over to ruffle Jaemin’s hair. “Yes. I’m very proud of you,” he added.

Jaemin preened at the praises.

“How’re you doing, nana?” Jeno asked gently.

“I’m pretty good too,” Jaemin said. “My walk went well. I turned around after like 10 minutes.”

Jaemin had an issue with going on excruciatingly long walks so that he could see the river. On foot, it took him about two hours for the round trip, not counting the time he spent watching the water. It was kind of an all-or-nothing walk, which could be a little daunting and keep him from leaving the house sometimes.

“Ah, okay. I’m glad you got out.”

They ate in a comfortable silence for a little while, just enjoying each other’s company, Jaemin occasionally reaching up to…unstick the collar of his turtleneck?

“What’s up?” Jeno asked.

Jaemin blinked at him. “huh?”

“Your collar, are you hot or something?”

Jaemin dropped his hand. “nope.”

“Nana?”

Jaemin gave them a nervous smile. “It’s not a big deal,” he said.

Jeno’s eyebrows knitted together. “You do realize that that only makes it more suspicious?”

Jaemin had the decency to look sheepish.

“Let me see,” Renjun said softly, reaching up to hold Jaemin’s face. He tilted Jaemin’s head to the side a little bit and Jeno pulled down on Jaemin’s turtleneck with careful hands to reveal the burns littered along his neck.

“…Why your neck?” Jeno asked softly.

Jaemin pulled away from their reach, putting his collar back up. “’s just me being an attention whore,” he muttered.

Renjun flicked Jaemin on the forehead. “That was unnecessarily harsh. What do you mean?”

“…”

“It’s okay, honey,” Jeno said. “Whatever it is, it’s okay to tell us.”

Jaemin looked at the table, not able to look them in the eye. “I just…I was being stupid-sorry, um, I was not being smart,” he revised at Renjun’s pointed look. “It was in the heat of the moment…I just wanted somebody to notice,” Jaemin said, eyes stinging.

Suddenly he was being hugged.

“We see you, nana baby. We see you,” Jeno said thickly. “You don’t have to do…that to get our attention, okay?”

Jaemin nodded. “I know. You’re so good to me. Both of you. I just…it’s how I express myself. I’m working on it.”

Renjun pulled back a little to look at him. “So nana just needed some attention?” he asked, pinching one of Jaemin’s cheeks. “You can just ask, y’know.”

“…really?”

“Yes, really,” Renjun said. “Of course. I’d love to shower you in personal attention.”

“…okay.”

“Just ask, okay?” Jeno said.

“Okay.”

-

_Why are you crying?_

“I don’t know.”

Jaemin wiped his eyes. “Everything’s just beautiful. I don’t know what to do. It-it hurts.”

_What do we do?_

“I don’t know,” Jaemin said. He clutched at his chest. “The sunrise is so pretty.”

There was the sound of feet scuffling on the floor. “Nana? What’re you doing up?”

Jaemin turned around. Renjun was painted in yellow. “Oh, junnie, you’re so pretty.” With his hair sticking up and his eyes that didn’t want to open fully just yet, in his baggy t-shirt that Jaemin was pretty sure was Jeno’s.

“Hands,” Jaemin demanded. Renjun glared. He looked like an angry kitten. He came to sit with Jaemin all the same, holding out his hands. Jaemin cooed over them, running his fingers over the soft skin.

“Puppy get over here. I’m not going through this alone.”

Jaemin looked up. There was Jeno, leaning against the wall, looking at them with a soft expression on his face. Jeno padded his way over, sitting with them. “Good morning,” he said, voice hoarse from sleep.

“Morning, my love,” Jaemin said. He sniffled. “Aren’t junnie’s hands pretty?”

“The prettiest,” Jeno agreed, probably just to rile Renjun up.

Renjun huffed, ears turning red.

“What’re we doing up so early?” Jeno asked.

“Ah. I was watching the sunrise,” Jaemin said. “It’s pretty, right?”

Jeno looked out the window to the sky. “It is.”

Jaemin sighed. “I gained 2 pounds.”

Jeno rubbed his back. “How are you feeling?”

“Well, I am well-fed, I guess. I went over my calorie limit.” Jaemin played with Renjun’s fingers, trying not to cry more. “It’s upsetting, but my body feels better. A little fat, but…it’s okay.”

“That’s so good, that you’ve been eating more. You’re doing so well,” Renjun said. “Nana’s so good.”

Jaemin blinked away tears. “thank you,” he said quietly.

“I love you Jaemin,” Jeno said, pressing a kiss to the back of his neck. “and I love you Injunnie.”

“I love you too. Love you junnie.”

“I love you both so very, very much.”


	56. Chapter 56

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I'll edit and add a summary and a title and stuff eventually, just I rly rly needed to post today ^^' I hope this train wreck of a chapter is ok.

Day in, day out. Each week was getting repetitive.

Jaemin slept for most of the day. His therapist said he was avoiding his problems.

Nothing he did made him feel anything other than empty. He skipped from thing to thing, animal crossing, youtube, writing, cleaning, eating. Jaemin had been eating his feelings recently. It wasn’t good for his diet. He was too scared to check how much he gained.

Jaemin was starting to hate waking up every day.

-

Renjun came home arms and hands covered in ink. Designs, doodles, sketchings from the tips of his fingers to the edges of his rolled-up sleeves.

“’junnie?”

Renjun offered a strained smile as he passed by for the closet. Jeno and Jaemin got up and followed behind him as Renjun rifled through the closet for something.

“Are you okay?”

Renjun nodded smally. “Just gonna go to the park to…let off some steam. Ah, there it is.” Renjun reached in the back and pulled out their basketball. When he went to the park, it was less to shoot hoops and more to ram the basketball into the headboard as hard as he could. It was something that didn’t hurt anyone, including himself.

“Do you need anything?”

“no. I’m just gonna go, okay? I’ll be back for dinner.”

They nodded mutely and watched Renjun walk back over to the door, pulling on his coat. He fumbled with the zipper, hands jittery with too much negative energy. Renjun cursed under his breath.

“hey, hey.” Jaemin took the two ends and fit them together, zipping him up. “Stay safe, okay?” Jaemin told him, ducking to kiss both of Renjun’s cheeks.

Jeno wrapped a scarf around his neck snuggly. “If you wanna talk, or anything, we’re here, okay?” Jeno said.

Renjun nodded, and they watched him go out into the unforgiving cold.

-

“Petal, if you could have one wish, what would it be?”

_To not be lonely._

Jaemin smiled. “me too. …hey. Maybe I can help you feel better. I want you to feel better, Petal. People don’t deserve to be sad.”

_But what about you?_

“Ah, hearing somebody else talk is enough.”

_Nana, I don’t talk._

“…I know.”

The loneliness was getting bad again.

Jaemin blinked away tears.

He sat up and plugged in his headphones and turned up the music. He closed his eyes, swaying to the sound of guitars and violins and a sad man’s resigned voice, and tried to ride with the waves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> love you all, mwah mwah <3


	57. content

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ah Jaemin reflects a little on life.

It was 2am. Late night thoughts and hours alone in darkness; reading stories that make your heart ache, and you feel, you feel, you feel.

Jaemin wasn’t an artist. He didn’t have a beautiful voice, or a way with words. He wasn’t particularly good at drawing. And sometimes it made him want to tear his own hair out, because why couldn’t he make beautiful things?

Sometimes the night was gentle. And he felt it build inside of him, something _big_. Something _important_. And until he figured out what the hell it was, he was going to chase it until his legs wore out.

So he wrote shitty poetry, and wrote stupid songs, and drew when he could. And he dieted when he was happy and didn’t when he was depressed, and it was all backwards because he exercised when he was depressed and didn’t when he was content because his depression numbed him to the point that he couldn’t tell the difference and might as well be healthy. Everything was backwards, because when he took that walk that gave him the blisters on his feet, Jaemin looked at the snow on the trail, and saw all the footprints, and was reminded that every set of footsteps was a _person_. Who had a life. Each of them had different lives, and they were all living.

There was something so human in that realization. There was something so human in the way that he sang poorly and wrote songs on garage band that would make producers cry because of how god awful they were. It was so human, the way he created and failed, and created and failed, and created. Jaemin was a fucking human.

“Guys.”

“We’re here.”

“I’m a human,” Jaemin said. And he felt something click into place at the thought that he was just a measily human was bad at intimacy, and cried at pictures of pandas, and didn’t like mushrooms.

Jeno ruffled his hair. “Damn right, you are,” he said, a smile in his voice. Jaemin wanted to see it. He turned his head and saw the way Jeno’s eyes crinkled up.

Jaemin wanted to see Renjun. All he had to do was turn his head, but it felt so _big_ in that moment. Like a huge leap. To look him in the eyes and see Renjun’s lovely face.

He looked at both of them, studying their faces as if it was the last time he’d see them. Renjun’s forehead creased in bemusement. “Baby bear?”

“mhm”

“What are you thinking about?”

“Ah. Just I love you a lot.”

Renjun smiled, ducking his head.

It was funny how the day turned out. Jaemin had spent the morning puking his guts out because he ate an entire bag of m&ms, and he felt _proud_. He had gone on that shitty walk and walked faster and faster to see how much his body could handle, because he was numb and the way that his breathing came heavy and the back of his ankle was rubbing uncomfortably against his boot reminded him, he was alive. He had spent all day waiting for work to be over so that he could see his boys. And now he was with them. And Jaemin was pretty sure he was content.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if anyone asks they were watching tv together, yes at 2am. :^)
> 
> ok so like. get this. ~norenmin~ soft interactions. i want it too, ok? ;-; my brain can't come up w any interactions. I think I've been away from people too long i forget how conversations work. hang in there, i swear i'm trying.
> 
> go eat something for me, okk? unless ur full, but yes remember to feed and water yourself.


	58. Chapter 58

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys :^) i'm seein yall all over the norenmin fics here. if you happen to come across a sally_gray leaving an embarrassing comment, just know that it wasn't me. definitely. i actually get so excited finding you guys. haha i hope you don't find me :')
> 
> anyways, i'm gonna go over the past couple chapters now, cuz they were a mess. i broke my promise to edit them ;-; forgive me.
> 
> anywayyys i hope you like this chapter. constructive criticism is totally welcomed!

“Okay. Oh, shit. It’s rolling. Um, hello, I’m Jaemin Na. This is recording one of…I’m kinda documenting my life. My progress. I dunno why. It kinda feels like I’m telling it to somebody? Even if it’s just my future self. Anyway, today I forgot to work on my radical acceptance stuff. It’s kinda hard to remember when you’re…happy? ‘Cuz you already accept it, y’know? But I need to practice so that I’m ready. I think I’ll just try meditating maybe and reflecting on things. I’ll um, update you tomorrow on how it went.”

-

Jaemin’s throat hurt. He knew he was gonna fucking destroy it if he kept this up. But it was so easy.

Why diet when you can just puke it up afterwards? … _God, I need help._

Jaemin sat on the bathroom floor, brushing his teeth. He wondered, as he scrubbed the acid off his teeth, why he was so hellbent on self-sabotage. Why did it feel so good to destroy his body? There was something seriously wrong with him.

Oh well.

Jaemin stood up, brushed himself off, and spat out his toothpaste. He looked in the mirror and plastered a smile onto his face. “Time to shine.”

-

It was weird. Being this new person. Jaemin wasn’t sure what was happening. It kind of felt like the past 19 years of his life was all a fever dream. Jaemin was playing animal crossing by himself under the table. It was a weird day, and Jaemin just wanted some _attention_. But they were busy. And Jaemin was too needy. And Jaemin’s whole life was falling apart, but he was watching it happen.

Jaemin whined as the fish got away that he was trying to catch. He set his switch on the ground next to him, frustrated with the game. He was hungry. Fuck.

Jaemin picked up the switch and went back to fishing. His leg was bouncing a lot. Jaemin should be sleeping. It was already 10 o’clock. He didn’t feel like it.

Jaemin felt weird.

“Honey, why’re you under the table?” Jaemin frowned. “Hey, hey, hey, I don’t mind. Are you okay?” Renjun asked, kneeling before the table.

_Mhm._ Jaemin nodded. _I think_.

“I didn’t know you were still awake. Do you wanna sit with us? We’re watching america’s top model.”

…

“baby?” Renjun tilted his head. “Is nana feeling okay?”

Jaemin nodded again.

Renjun gave him a thoughtful look. “Can you hold up your fingers with how old you are?”

Shrugging, Jaemin looked back at his game.

“hey, hey. Nana? You don’t know?”

Jaemin nodded slowly.

“Alright. Can I touch you?”

Jaemin blinked up at Renjun. He nodded after a minute. Jaemin felt sleepy.

Renjun came closer and scooped Jaemin up into his arms. “Does nana want to sit with us?” he asked.

Jaemin nodded.

“Okaay. Let’s go then. I’m sure Jeno will be excited to see you,” Renjun told him as he stood up.

Jaemin latched on like a koala bear, holding onto Renjun tightly.

“oh, nana. My little angel.”

Renjun took them to the living room, and soon enough, Jaemin was squished up in between Jeno and Renjun, the tv buzzing in the background. Jaemin went back to playing his game, comfortable and warm surrounded by the people he loved.

“Nana, look. Isn’t that makeup pretty?” Jeno nudged him gently.

Jaemin looked up at the screen. There was a girl with a stripe over her eyes. It was very cool. He smiled slightly, nodding. Jaemin patted on Renjun’s shoulder, pointing at the screen.

Renjun grinned down adoringly. “I know, right? I see her too,” Renjun said. He grasped onto Jaemin’s right hand, twining their fingers together.

She was so cool. The girls were hanging from a suspension thing for the photo shoot. Jaemin thought it looked kind of fun.

He imagined being suspended in air, with only a harness holding him up. What would it be like to fly?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guuuuys so thank you for reading up to here! i hope y'all are ok with how the story's going. if u wanna see anything, you can comment ^^ i do tryyy to include what u guys say u like. if i'm doing it not how u meant, lemme know, okk?
> 
> i hope you are all well. if u aren't, *hug* if u want one. tomorrow is a new dayyy ^^ and if tomorrow sucks, it will ease eventually. change is inevitable :) how are u guys? feel free to just like...write whatever in the comments. i love hearing u guys *^* no matter how random the comment is. y'all r loved a lot by me, okk?
> 
> these r always waaaay so long, cuz i go off rambling, i just wanna feel connected ;-; i love u guys. hehe ok bye for now!


	59. bonding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they have a little bonding time on a cold winter night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *posts this and runs the fuck away*

“Recording five. I forgot to log for a couple days, but basically, I made Renjun cry and now I feel like shit. He’s worried and stuff. …On the bright side, they upped one of my antidepressants, unfortunately not the one that makes me horny as hell. But I only slept through the day once this week. …I know he’s not mad at me, but I don’t know how to make it up to him either way. I’ll try and make him an apology card. He better not hang it on the fucking fridge like he did last time. Okay. That’s all for today. Bye.”

-

“Nana, it’s freezing out there. What were you even thinking?” Jeno pulled Jaemin’s hands out of his too-long sleeves and saw how red they were, his nose, and ears. He started rubbing Jaemin’s hands, trying to get some warmth in them. “You didn’t think to wear gloves? A hat? A thicker jacket?” Jeno asked.

Jaemin gave him a sheepish smile. “It’s okay. It stopped feeling cold a while ago. I numbed up.”

Jeno’s mouth fell open. “That is not a good _thing_.” He pushed Jaemin to the living room, pulling the throw blanket around him and making him sit on the couch.

“I’m gonna make you something warm. What do you want? Tea? Water? Milk?”

“Milk please?”

Jeno nodded. “I’ll be right back.”

Jaemin got bored of waiting and went into the kitchen, resting his chin on Jeno’s shoulder. He watched Jeno occasionally stir the pot, swirling little shapes into the milk.

“I can’t believe how much of a hypocrite you are,” Jeno said suddenly. “You’re always mother-henning us, but you treat yourself like garbage. How long were you outside?”

Jaemin shrugged. “Dunno. I saw a shiny can on the way though. It was pretty.”

“What are you, a crow?”

“maybe.”

“Well, I would hope that if my boyfriend _was_ a crow, he’d tell us. Are you a furry, nana?” Jeno asked, turning his head to smile mischievously at Jaemin. Jaemin poked him in the stomach.

Jeno yelped, jerking away. He held his hands up. “okay, okay. You’re not a furry.”

“Well I would sure hope fucking not.”

“Injun!” Both of the boys went over to greet Renjun with hugs and kisses.

“I missed you~” Jaemin said, nuzzling into the top of Renjun’s head.

“Well, I’m here now mon petit chou.”

Jeno went back over to the stove to turn off the little fire. Jaemin got three mugs from the cupboard, and they had their warm milk ready on the table. They all pulled out their chairs and sat together, Renjun on Jeno’s lap because Jeno was feeling especially clingy today.

Nursing their drinks, they all talked about their day and how they missed Adrianne from season one of America’s next top model. Jaemin told Jeno about the bird he got really close to on his walk, and Renjun told them about how his piece was coming along. “It’s really annoying,” he said dejectedly. “It’s like my hand is disconnected from my brain. It won’t cooperate.” They listened, and gave a little encouragement, not too much to be, well, too much. And then it was 6:00, time for Jaemin’s session.

They met over zoom, ‘cause of covid. Jaemin clicked on the link and waited to be let in the chat.

He finally spilled that week’s session. His therapist took it surprisingly well that he was throwing up on purpose. He supposed they’re used to that kind of thing.

She brought up ~control~ and how we have control over what we eat, and Jaemin said a giant yes to that. She understood! Then she turned it around and suggested controlling how _healthy_ he ate, as a start, since most of what Jaemin ate was actual trash.

He still hadn’t told her that he _wants_ to be under weight, but that was for next time. It was a start. Jaemin recently had the energy to try things like that. Different, maybe less convenient, but healthier options. God was he happy to have energy.

It was so, so bad. Sleeping for 12 hours and being too tired to even talk right. But it was getting better. Jaemin now had the energy to go on a walk and be sad instead of lie on the floor and be sad. He had enough energy to not get tired from sitting up too long, in fact, he had enough energy to walk for an _hour_. Fatigue was so fucking annoying and Jaemin was living for this new life. It had started small, and progressed slowly, and Jaemin had more bad days than good days, but sometimes he was _happy_. And god. What he would have given to even just be a little less depressed not even 6 months ago.

It was sad realizing he now had something that past him couldn’t dream of having. It was sad realizing there were millions of people out there still depressed and in pain and not having any relief. He tried to remind himself that Jaemin’s responsibility was _his_ health first. He had to focus on getting healthy, and _then_ he could help more properly. So, getting better was a thing he wanted, finally. All he had to do now was do that.

Renjun had brought home a muffin for them all to split. And _fuck_.

The first bite was fucking heaven. Having the first bite of food the whole day, and it being a cinnamon sugar muffin? The texture was crunchy on the outside, soft on the inside, and his tongue was hit with the bursting harmony of cinnamon and sugar, and the soft sweetness of muffin.

The moan Jaemin let out was in no way appropriate for the setting. Renjun’s face went beet red as he went silent.

“Ah, sorry. It’s um. It’s good. Thank you, honeybunches,” Jaemin said.

Renjun looked down and glared at his piece of muffin. “No problem,” he said softly, shoulders creeping up in shyness.

A giant grin grew on Jaemin’s face. He was so _cute_. “Isn’t he adorable, nono?”

“The adorablest,” Jeno agreed.

“I will cut your dick off,” Renjun warned, glaring at him.

“I know, babe,” Jaemin said dreamily. “It’s so fuckin’ hot when you get all violent.”

Renjun dropped his face into his hands, ears burning bright red. “Oh my god.”

Jaemin decided to have a little pity and changed the subject before Renjun combusted on spot. “Did you work on your painting at all when I was in the session?”

Renjun’s shoulders relaxed slightly. “Yeah, I threw that one in the trash. I started a new one.”

“Ahhh, what did I say about throwing out your art?” Jeno said, frowning.

“No, this one was bad. Like _real_ bad. I’ll give you other ones, puppy,” Renjun said.

Jeno pouted but accepted the answer. “Okay.”

They finished their plates, and put them in the dishwasher, and then Renjun went over to the art corner, and Jaemin followed to draw with him, and Jeno came over with his laptop to play minecraft, saying he was lonely all by himself. At 8:30, Jeno went and got Jaemin’s meds, and then one by one, they brushed their teeth and washed their face before getting into bed. Jaemin went to sleep that night full and happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you are loved and appreciated by me, okaay? yes, the crazy writer loves you, which is all you need in life, honestly (joking haha ^^'). This chapter was fun to write. I got a medicine upped, so if the chapter was a little questionable, in my defense, i was on drugs. take care of yourself the best you can, darling <3 xoxo
> 
> OH YEAH! Disclaimer: I have no problem with furries, okkk? it was just a dumb joke. If anybody was hurt, or offended, or rubbed the wrong way by it, I can delete that part.
> 
> there's something abt warm milk that screams DOMESTIC and SOFT to me...*cries*
> 
> not to beg for comments, but :^) buddy i don't care if all u say is 'moo'. neomu lonely. NO PRESSURE tho! ^^ okk i swear im gonna stop rambling now. thx for reading!!!


	60. mindful, more of renjun's beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We get one of Jaemin's recordings, and then he tries a little bit of mindfulness to try and cope. Then, a flashback from when Jeno gets paired with Renjun as a partner *gasp*

“Recording 7. I watched a tarot card reading today. She talked a lot about how I’m being watched over by a guardian angel. I kinda liked that. Apparently, they’re guiding me. And like, I dunno if that stuff exists, but reality’s only as real as you make it, right? So maybe if I believe in it, the world will be a little more prettier.”

-

Jaemin had been feeling sick lately. In his stomach. His stomach had been hurting. “Injunnie, my stomach hurts,” he complained, plopping down on the couch next to Renjun.

“Yeah? Do you know what might have caused it?”

Yes. Throwing up. Probably. It always happened afterward. But Jaemin had eaten _cake_ earlier, and he still had to make room for dinner. His calories were too fucking high the day before yesterday, and he was at 116.0 lbs., and that was the lowest he’s ever been.

“I’m suffering,” Jaemin said, sagging down the couch. “I feel like I’m on the verge of a mental breakdown.”

He said it as kind of a joke, but Renjun saw through him anyway and reached for Jaemin’s hand. “What do you need?” he asked. “Anything. It can be anything,” he said, squeezing Jaemin’s hand.

“Can…can I just kind of talk it out loud?”

“Yeah, sure.”

Jaemin sucked in a breath and let it out. “Just ‘cause…I dunno what to do. I can’t feel good anymore. There’s gotta be something more to these days than just…this. How do you do it junnie?”

Renjun hummed. “I try and experience the small things, I guess? Like, today my hot chocolate was yummy. And I sat in a sunspot earlier, and it was really warm. And, like little things that you can only notice when you’re really paying attention. Yeah.”

“oh. That makes sense,” Jaemin said.

“Do you wanna give it a try snowflake?”

“mm. Okay. I did some knitting, and I got in a rhythm. It felt cool.” Jaemin looked at their joined hands. “And I got to see Injun today,” he said, smiling.

Renjun bit his lip, holding back a grin. “Okaay. Is there anything right now that’s happening that’s enjoyable?”

“ah. Yeah, probably. I just can’t think of it.” Jaemin scrunched his nose. “What’s happening?”

“Mmm, well, I’m excited for tonight.”

Jaemin sat up straight. “Oh yea! I forgot.” Tonight, they were going to try and take Jeno out on a walk in the next town over. Nobody was out that late in the suburbs. It would depend on how Jeno was feeling, but they were planning to go tonight. “I’m excited too!”

“We’ll see how it goes. I hope he likes it.”

“me too.”

-

The dreaded words. Group. Project.

Jeno took a glance around the room. All kids he grew up with but never knew. He stood up and made his way to the teacher. Waiting for her to notice him, Jeno looked around at everybody forming their groups. They were all smiling and laughing, aside from Renjun. He was doodling onto his desk, lost to the world.

Bless Jeno’s soul, if he had to be paired with Renjun, he might not survive this quarter.

“Ah, Jeno.”

Jeno gave his teacher a sheepish look. “I don’t have a partner,” he said, tugging at the ends of his sleeves.

“Okay.” Jeno braced himself. “Does anyone not have a partner?” Everyone’s eyes shot to the front. Jeno tried to look impassive, not like the anxious loser he was. He pinched his wrist to ground himself, hands hidden behind his back.

Renjun’s dark eyes were among the students. When Jeno met his gaze, he smiled a little.

Jeno was going to die.

“Renjun doesn’t!” a kid said.

“Oh, perfect. You two can be partners, then.”

Jeno swallowed.

This was going to be swell.

Renjun wasn’t talking either, so it wasn’t his fault if they failed. He just kept drawing a little cow thing all over the desk.

“…”

“Do you want some?”

Jeno looked up. “huh?”

Renjun shook a bag of candy at him. “Do you want some?”

Oh.

“I’m okay.” _Is it rude to not accept? Damnit Jeno._ “…I mean yes.”

Luckily, Renjun didn’t really seem to care how fucking weird Jeno was being. He just held out the bag, so Jeno took a candy and shoved it into his mouth.

“I guess we should get started, huh?”

Jeno nodded.

Renjun obviously didn’t put much effort into his grades, and Jeno didn’t either. They made a half-assed plan and assigned each other’s slides they had to make, and then Renjun went back to drawing and Jeno sat there awkwardly.

The bell rang, and Renjun gave him a little wave as he stood up and left. He turned around before Jeno could wave back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i dunno if this chapter is trash. sorry if it is :( i just miss yall. ok time to overshare lol. i don't rly have anyone to talk to, so here is like a safe place for me to. sometimes talking through jaemin isn't enough or i can't fit it into the story, so i talk in the authors notes. not very professional of me ^^' i encourage you to overshare as well in life. it's good to let it out somehow. perhaps not in the authors note on a story, but hopefully u get the point XD my social media circles r very small and very new, but i love every one of u and appreciate u a lot and thank u for putting up w me!
> 
> i hope y'all can get somebody to listen to you one day. i'm always a lending ear! I'll leave my socials just in case ^^  
> twitter: @chestnut_hm  
> tumblr: chestnut-hm


	61. environment history, safety, progress, mom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We get a flashback to do an environment study with Jaemin's past living situation, then Jaemin talks to Jeno about what they should do to help Renjun. Jaemin has lunch with Jeno. And mom has been out late.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i pieced together a chapter for today ^^ i hope y'all like it. i'm tryyying to do fluffy interactions for future chapters, but my brain does not know how those work :') please have patience with me. anyways, i hope you're all well, my stars. hang in there, ok?

An eight-year-old boy, sitting alone in the basement, crying to himself as he wrote journal entries full of sadness and lyrics laced with despair.

Jaemin only knew of this world, but he dreamed, oh he dreamed. He dreamed of being taken away by the characters in the books he read, to a land a little quieter. It seemed wonderful, how _silent_ the stories were, Jaemin thought as he tried to ignore the sounds coming from upstairs.

What would it be like to live in a world of peace and quiet, where the only sounds were the occasional flip of a page?

Mom always said they would never divorce, because somehow the quiet to her was more violent than plates being thrown and bad patch jobs on the walls.

It was days like this where he wished he was allowed out of the house. It was spaghetti on Sundays and church, and the stupid dance classes that mom made him take when he could be having playdates.

Jaemin wondered what it would be like, if he could have a break from all the rushing, and the rules, and the yelling, because mom was unstable, and suicidal, and dad tried his best, but his best only got them barely through the days. He was so _angry_. It does take two to tango. It was _his_ fists that punched through walls, and _his_ booming voice that made Jaemin shiver.

And it was an unhealthy household, and this was _normal_. This was where the bar was at, because at least they’re not being torn apart by words or swings intending to _hurt._

But it was _loud_. It was so loud, and Jaemin just wanted it to be quiet. He wanted mom to love him instead of yell at him or tell him to go away, but there was no way to win her affections. You just did what you could do so she wouldn’t get mad, because she didn’t love him.

She hated cooking for them. That was the one damn thing she did, but she complained and complained and complained because Jaemin was such a nuisance. They weren’t worth cooking for. They weren’t worth loving. They weren’t worth anything.

-

“His fucking grandpa’s abusing him.”

They were sitting at the swings together. Jaemin had asked to talk right after school, so they walked together to the park near their houses.

Jeno glanced over. “Who?”

“Renjun.”

Jeno looked stricken.

“His grandpa’s a lying piece of scum. They didn’t believe junnie. He-he tricked them all. I looked shit up and like, apparently we’re supposed to make a safety plan and stuff with junnie, and. Gosh.” Jaemin buried his head in his hands. “…This is so messed up.”

Jeno tugged on the end of his hair. “…So he didn’t fall down the stairs?”

Jaemin shook his head. “nope.”

“…that’s really not good.”

“nope.”

“What can we do?”

Jaemin blew out a big breath. “The internet said support them, all the kinda obvious stuff, and to help them make a safety plan. I got a kinda fill in the blank thingy from a site. Possible exits if they have to leave really fast, to have a suitcase ready somewhere and money and shit, um, a safety word to text someone when they’re in danger.”

“…Nana, is Renjun gonna be okay?” Jeno asked, voice shaky.

“We. We can help him,” Jaemin said. “Can you tell your parents? Would he be able to stay with you if it gets really bad?”

“yeah, of course. I’ll talk to my mom.”

“It’s gonna be okay.”

“…okay.”

-

“Nana~”

Jaemin opened his eyes lazily. “mm. What is it?”

“It’s lunchtime,” Jeno said. He was squatted next to Jaemin’s head.

“Too cold to move.”

Jeno laughed quietly. “You can bring the blanket with you.”

“hmph. Still too cold,” Jaemin complained, putting his head under the blanket. Suddenly he sat upright. “Wait. You made lunch already? _You_ went in the kitchen? Without me? My poor baby,” Jaemin lamented, getting up and hurrying off to the kitchen.

Jeno huffed. “Your oven’s fine. I just heated up the food from Injunnie’s grandma,” he said, following after him.

“Still! Are you okay, baby?” Jaemin asked, running a hand along the oven. “hm. You look alright.”

Jeno pouted. He was not getting jealous of an oven. Definitely not. He took Jaemin’s other hand, pulling on it. “See? Everything’s fine. I just took it out. It’s on the table already.”

Jaemin squinted at him before nodding. “Okay. You’re off the hook this time.”

They sat at the table together, Jaemin’s small portion, and Jeno’s medium portion on their plates.

“How is work?” Jaemin asked.

“Ah, it’s good. I’m kinda distracted today,” Jeno said, fidgeting with his fork. Ah, yes. Today was the big day. Jeno’s trip outside.

“Do you think you’re ready? We don’t have to if you’re not.”

Jeno shook his head. “I-I wanna try. At least.”

“okay,” Jaemin said. “Whatever happens, I’m proud of you.”

Jeno smiled around his fork. “Thanks. How are _you_ doing nana?”

“I’m better. The rain’s better with the new meds. I’m a little emotional, I think. I’m trying to appreciate the emotions as they come.” Emotions were better than no emotions in this case.

“How is that going?”

Jaemin bit his lip. “It’s going,” he said. It was hard to accept them sometimes because they were sad, but he tried to remind himself that this was healthy. And healthy meant better quality of life. A happier version of Jaemin. Jaemin wanted that. So badly.

“Mm. You’re trying, so you’re getting better at it, right?” Jeno asked, tilting his head to the side. Puppy.

“That’s…that’s true. Yea. I hope,” Jaemin agreed. That made him feel a little better.

“Well good job, then. Keep up the good work,” Jeno said, smiling.

Jaemin slowly smiled back.

-

Mom was spending longer and longer away from home. Jaemin didn’t _understand_ why she said she worried about him, when she didn’t even give him ten minutes of her life. Jaemin had asked. For ten minutes every other day, to just watch videos with him. To spend time with him. And she agreed, and he really should be used to broken promises by now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.peoples-law.org/creating-safety-plan <-this is the thingy that jaemin's going off of. if y'all want other sources i found i can add those too okk


	62. outside, depression, recording

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeno goes outside on a little walk with his lovelies. Then we get another depression day with Jaemin :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahh this chapter was difficult to write. i hope it is okay. thank you for reading. constructive criticism is greatly appreciated :)

They were standing outside the car. It was cold. Renjun and Jaemin were both holding one of Jeno’s hands supportingly. There was nobody out in a quiet suburban town this late at night. There were lights left on at everyone’s doorstep, and then their second yard light further down the property. It was probably a waste of electricity, but at least it was pretty.

Jeno had gone quiet somewhere during the drive. He was jittery, leg jumping and fingers snapping the rubber band on his wrist. It had taken a little while to coax him out of the car, but he’d gotten out, probably too scared to say no.

And it was snowing.

Renjun gripped Jeno’s hand tighter. “You okay?”

Jeno turned to him with wide eyes. “Um, yea. I’m good,” he said. “Let’s go?”

Renjun nodded and they started walking. Slow, easy steps. The silent street felt homey, the soft yellow lights glowing window shaped patterns onto the snow.

Jeno felt exposed. He felt his mind slipping from himself. Like his head was tethered by a weak string, floating, and bobbing above his body.

The snow looked like it was falling in slow motion.

Jeno could appreciate the beauty once he was far away gone, protected from reality. It was like a movie or jumping inside a picture. The sights he could see were not his own.

“wow” he said softly. Jaemin smiled at him. His eyes were a little nervous.

“You like it? This is okay?”

Jeno nodded. He wanted to go home so that his head would attach itself again. But he could wait a little longer.

The moon was a full moon tonight. The stars twinkled from the black sky. Jeno felt exposed. The world was too big. What if he floated away? Into space. Space was scary. Space was lonely. Jeno wanted to go home.

“Nana?”

“I’m here,” Jaemin said.

“Can you talk?”

“’bout what?”

“Anything.”

And so Jaemin started talking about animal crossing, and how he just got a new waitress outfit from a balloon in the sky, and how he finally collected enough of the iron stuff for them to build a store.

Jeno felt a little bit better. With Jaemin, it was like the rest of the world faded away a little bit. With Renjun leading him with a hand on the small of his back, Jeno felt protected. With them, it was easier.

Jeno watched the three of them walk down the rest of the block, and then back, and then they were getting back in the car.

“Honey, you look exhausted. Are you okay? Was that okay?” Renjun asked him, reaching to clasp his seatbelt for him.

“Yeah. The snow was pretty.”

Renjun smiled. “It was.”

Jaemin got in on the other side, cuddling up next to Jeno. “You sleepy?”

Jeno nodded.

“You can sleep then, puppy. We’ll wake you up when we get home.”

“Okay”

Jeno closed his eyes and let the exhaustion bring him under.

-

It was just an ordinary day like any other. Jaemin spread over the bed, arm dangling off. Crystal tears fell from his eyes. His limbs creaked to life to cage around himself, holding his torso with his own cold hands. Today was cold.

_Ring ring ring_

“…”

A tired arm reached out to grab the phone.

“hello?”

“mm”

“Nana, do you wanna come over? Renjun’s already here.”

At first Renjun had been furious with them when they offered. But one night, he showed up at Jeno’s house in the middle of the night, eyes dead, and the day after agreed to fill in the safety plan. Renjun didn’t tell them, and they didn’t ask. Now it wasn’t an uncommon occurrence for Renjun to be at Jeno’s house.

“’s he okay?”

“yea, I think so,” Jeno said. “I patched him up earlier. It wasn’t too bad.”

“hm”

“So will you come over?”

Jaemin rolled onto his back. “I’m not really up for it today.” There was a moment of quiet.

“…are you okay?”

“yea, of course. I’m just tired.”

“ _Jaemin_.”

Oops. It was hard lying to someone who wasn’t stupid. “Like actually. I didn’t sleep well last night, and…”

“mhm. Bye.”

Jaemin sighed as Jeno ended the call. Jaemin pissed him off. This was going to be annoying to fix. Would he like chocolate? Or just a simple apology? Should he get flowers? Was it weird to get flowers for your bro?

The door rang.

Jaemin got up and dragged to his feet to the door, opening it.

“Jesus. When was the last time you showered?” Jeno pushed his way inside before Jaemin could close the door in his face, Renjun following behind him.

Jaemin blinked, utterly confused. “What are you doing here?”

Jeno frowned. “I haven’t seen you in like three days. You haven’t even been at school. And no offense, but you sounded awful on the phone.”

“What, so you’re checking up on me?”

“yeah, I guess.”

“Well, I’m fine. So you can go now,” Jaemin said, crossing his arms over his chest defensively.

“Fat chance,” Renjun said.

Jaemin scowled. “What are you, my parents?”

“ _Some_ body has to be seeing as your mom isn’t doing her job. Where is the witch, anyway?” Renjun asked, walking further into the house, peeking around.

“I dunno. She hasn’t been back since last morning.”

“See this is what I mean.”

Jeno was looking at him with his concerned eyes, and Jaemin just wanted to go back to moping in his room.

“What?” Jaemin asked.

“Are you okay?”

“Of course. I’m just t-”

“Just tired, yeah. I know,” Jeno cut in. “I’m not gonna fall for that, okay? Do you need anything? Are you sick?” he asked, stepping closer to put his hand on Jaemin’s forehead.

Jaemin flinched away from the touch.

“Oh.” Jeno’s eyes widened. “Sorry.”

Jaemin felt his cheeks heat up in embarrassment. “It’s fine. I just…don’t want. To be touched. Right now…”  
All Jeno did was give him an “okay” with an easy smile.

“Have you eaten yet?” Renjun called from the kitchen.

“Yeah, of course!”

Jeno glared. “Renjun! If you could get something together, that’d be great,” he said. Jeno knew his habits too well. “You’re skin and bones as it is nana. You gotta eat. It’ll help you feel better,” Jeno said. “How about you take a shower? Just sit under the water for a few minutes. You don’t have to clean yourself if it’s too much.”

Jaemin sighed. “Okaay.” He trudged his way to the bathroom and stripped, turning on the hot water. The water _did_ feel nice. It was just so much effort to get in. Jaemin halfheartedly soaped himself up and rinsed it away, and okay fine. It did feel refreshing and Jaemin did feel clean and feeling clean was a nice feeling.

He wrapped a towel around his waist and opened the door, to find there was already a clean set of clothes left right outside the door. Jaemin shook his head. Jeno was too good for this world. Slipping on the soft clothing, he made his way back to the kitchen.

It smelled like something was cooking. “What’s that?” Jaemin asked, slumping into one of the wooden seats, across from Jeno.

“Oh, just some stir fry,” Renjun said. He was watching over the pan full of vegetables. “It’s almost done.” Jaemin watched him dump in some cooked tofu and stir it all, drizzling in some soy sauce. “Your mom won’t mind, right? Most of this shit was about to go bad anyway.”

Jaemin shrugged. “Prolly.”

“Nana, how are you feeling?” Jeno asked. “How was the shower?”

“It was good,” Jaemin said simply, feigning a smile. He was tired. He just wanted to go back to bed.

Admittedly, it was nice having someone care. But he couldn’t get comfortable. Not when they were going to turn on him. Everybody was nice in the beginning.

Jeno’s chair squeaked as he got up to help Renjun reach the bowls on the highest shelf. Renjun waved him off, climbing onto the counter.

“That’s dangerous. What if you fall?” Jeno said, eyebrows scrunching together worriedly.

“I won’t fall,” Renjun said stubbornly.

“Well, don’t blame me when your head cracks in two,” Jeno said. He stayed right behind Renjun, arms held out to catch him need be.

Renjun managed to get down without any incidents, and Jeno followed him like a lost puppy over to the pan, where Renjun started scooping the food out into three different bowls. Jeno helped him carry the bowls.

Jaemin lifted his head off the table as Renjun set a steaming bowl in front of him. “It’s hot, careful,” he said.

“Thanks.”

Renjun and Jeno sat down and they all started eating. They ate in kind of a tense silence, questions on the tips of their tongues, but not wanting to press.

“You can just say it,” Jaemin said, shattering the bubble of awkwardness. “It’s fine. I don’t really mind.”

“Um, okay…is it the like…the depression?” Jeno asked slowly.

Jaemin cringed. He hated that overused, overdramatic word. “Yeah, I guess.”

“Is there something we can do? To help?”

Jaemin stared at his stir fry. _Just stay?_ “Ah, it helps when I’m…not alone,” Jaemin said. His cheeks felt hot in embarrassment. “You don’t have to stay if you’re busy. It’s kind of a pain, I guess, nevermin-”

“We’ll stay.” Jaemin looked up at Renjun.

“I mean, it’s not like I’m gonna do anything, it’ll probably be boring…”

“I have homework to do anyway,” Renjun said. “It wouldn’t be boring. I have stuff to do.”

Jaemin frowned. “Well, it’s okay. I don’t need you guys to stay.”

“But do you _want_ us to stay?” Renjun asked, eyes intense with… _something_.

Under his gaze, Jaemin nodded meekly.

“Then we’re gonna be here until you kick us out.”

Jaemin’s lips twitched into an almost smile. “okay,” he said quietly.

Humans were social animals, very unfortunately. It was comforting to be around other people. Even when your brain is fried and you feel numb and you just want the day to end, sometimes it feels a little less bad with a friend by your side.

-

“Recording…15? I think. Today’s not going too well. I’m 118.6 lbs, and today’s really fuckin rainy, but not at the same time. And I’m just tired of being sick. It got a little better with the med change, but it’s sinking back in again. I’ve been trying to use radical acceptance, but it’s hard to start. I just need to remember that difficult feelings aren’t bad, and the world is my canvas. I have power over my reality. My feelings have no power over me if I accept them.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love you a lot! xoxo


	63. moms death, kind of sad bonding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> umm so Jaemin's mom dies aaand yeah. And then it skips over to a scene w some bonding? Ig? I dunno what it is tbh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello hello! I was reading fics to inspire myself, but I got distracted by nomin smut :( sorry. hsjshs  
> bur finally an update!  
> CW: theres some blood if that makes you feel icky. AND minor character death AND mention of suicide okk stay safe lovelies

They were parked on the curb, walking up to the doorstep of Jaemin’s mom’s apartment. It was time to visit.

Renjun opened the door and lead the way inside, stepping out of his shoes before he stopped, staring forward into the little room on the right.

Jeno tentatively poked his head around the door. He sucked in a harsh breath. “Okay. Okay.”

“You two get back in the car. Jeno, you got him?”

“yeah.” Jeno backed up, wrapping his arms around Jaemin. He started pushing them out of the apartment.

“Wait, what is it?” Jaemin asked, trying to go back in.

Jeno kept a firm grip on him. “You don’t have to see this,” Jeno said softly.

“What? Is she manic or something? It’s fine I’m used to it-”

As they came back into view of the window, Jeno covered Jaemin’s sight with his arm, leading his head down, holding him protectively. “C’mon, Nana. Let’s get you back in the car.”

Jaemin laughed nervously. “What’s happening?” he asked. “Is she bad? It’s fine. Jeno,” Jaemin said as he tried to struggle his way out of Jeno’s hold. “We should go in before they start fighting. Those two-those two are crazy together. Jen, babe, get _off_. What is going on?”

“It’s fine, nana. Renjun’s taking care of it. They won’t fight,” Jeno promised, face carefully blank.

“What’s wrong? Just tell me, please.”

“I’ll tell you if you get in the car, okay?”

“No, just let me-”

“Jaemin.” Jeno said. “I swear, you don’t want to see it. She’s dead. You don’t want to see it. She’s dead, nana. I’m sorry.”

“But…” Jaemin broke off. “How?” he asked weakly. “Is it bad? Are you lying? Are you trying to trick me?”

“No, I’m not. She’s really dead. Let’s go back to the car, okay? Don’t look.” Jeno started leading him down the sidewalk, when Jaemin ducked out of his grip and ran back.

“It’s not real-it’s not real-it’s not real” Jaemin whispered as he slammed into the door. He turned the knob, but a hand covered his.

“She’s hanging from the ceiling,” Jeno said before Jaemin could say anything.

And all Jaemin could think was _huh. That’s how_ her _mother died too._

“You don’t need to see it. Not your own mom,” Jeno said.

Jaemin didn’t fight him as Jeno lead them into the car. He just stared blankly ahead. Jeno didn’t know, but Jaemin got a glimpse of the scene through the window when they passed. Just her feet. And a chair, knocked over.

Jeno helped him in, buckled his seat for him. He kept holding Jaemin’s hand. He had remembered to wear gloves this time.

Renjun came out and told them the police were on their way. He told them he wasn’t going to give any of the asshole cops any help. They could do it theirself. And then they were driving home.

-

Renjun had special markers for skin that he shared, once it showed drawing helped Jaemin. Jaemin was drawing with them now, little scenes over his arms. Stick people dancing around in a circle, little buildings and big bubble letters screaming ‘help!’.

Jeno was playing on his computer next to him, and Jaemin felt lonely. He wanted to talk to Jeno, but did Jeno want to talk to him? It was oddly isolating being right next to someone.

Jaemin drew a little more aggressively.

“Careful,” Jeno said absentmindedly. “Those are special markers.”

“I don’t care,” Jaemin grumbled, but he put the marker down and grabbed the crayola set. But those markers were different markers, and he needed them all to be the same, so he had to wash it off first. Jaemin got up and went to the sink in the kitchen, where he started scrubbing at the skin on his arm. He had to get…all of it…off.

“Are you okay? You’ve been in here awhile…oh, god.” Jeno came up to Jaemin and lifted his arm out of the sink carefully. There were red scratch marks, some of them drew blood, and all of the scabs on his arm were torn off. The little caverns were irritated and pooling with blood. “Does it hurt?” Jeno asked quietly.

Jaemin shrugged.

“Let me get a washcloth. I’ll be back.”

Jeno came back with supplies and gently cleaned his arm and bandaged it up, and now they were back in the living room, but Jeno wasn’t playing his game.

“I’m trying not to pry, y’know? But you can talk to me, okay?”

Jaemin nodded.

“Do you want to talk about anything?” Jeno offered. Sometimes it was easier when they asked. It felt like they had set aside time and Jaemin wasn’t just wasting it.

So, he hesitated to actually answer.

“We want to hear you, y’know? I care about you an awful lot, nana. It makes me feel happy when you talk freely.”

Jaemin chewed on his top lip.

“…okay.”

“Do you want to talk about anything?”

Jaemin nodded.

“Okay. I’m all ears,” Jeno said, a gentle smile softening his face.

“…I don’t feel good I guess. I’m just bored, I think. ‘Cuz nothing’s really is fun to do. Nana’s working on being more mindful and in the moment, and like, um.” Jaemin shook his head. “Untraining my brain from needing the constant stimuli. But it’s annoying. And I’m depressed. I don’t know how much is depressed and how much is just bored.”

“I hear you.”

“And it’s hard for me to ask for attention still.”

“Are you not getting enough?” Jeno asked.

“…”

“No, I’m asking genuinely,” he assured.

“It’s better. I just…um. I’m not sure. I guess?” Jaemin said, voice quiet.

“Okay. That’s okay. How do you wanna do this, bunny?”

“I dunno,” Jaemin whispered, looking at the ground.

Jeno patted his knee. “Are you okay?”

“mhm” Not really.

Jeno tsked. “Are you lying?”

“…mhm.”

“What’s wrong then? You can tell me. You can tell mummy.”

Jaemin sniffled. “zust. um. Um. Dumb things.”

“It’s okay to be upset over things, no matter how dumb,” Jeno said softly. “Can nana tell mummy? What’s wrong?”

“lonely.”

Jeno felt his heart drop. “Does Nana want some attention? Was mummy too involved in his game?”

Jaemin shook his head. “’s fine. Zust wanted to talk too.”

“Okay, well we can talk now. What do you want to talk about?”

“Ah, in animal crossing?”

“yeah?”

“I got new neighb-a. His name is Wade.”

“That’s great honey. What type of animal is he?” Jeno asked.

“Pen-win.”

“Penguin? Ah, I love penguins. Did you know that they swim really fast?”

Jaemin nodded. “Yup. Saw ‘em at the ‘quawium.”

“Oh, when you went with injun? Did you have fun there?”

“Yeah. Nana got mummy a fiss.”

“I still have them, too. Want me to grab them?”

Jaemin reached out and grabbed onto Jeno’s pants. “No. Stay?” he asked.

“okay, okay.” Jeno ruffled Jaemin’s hair. “I’m not going anywhere. Okay?”

Jaemin nodded. “okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think there are good cops just renjuns had bad experiences w them and doesn’t trust them anymore. That’s why he didn’t stay for questioning. it’s kinda sus to leave, but he was more interested in getting nana away from it :(
> 
> This can be hard to write at times, yknow? Aand so i hope the chapters r still ok. I'm not totally vibing w this chapter. i think im gonna go through and edit the past few chapters cuuuz i've been kinda in a haze and i gotta figure out whats happening. anyway, i'll work on making this better, okk? promise. 
> 
> take care of yourself, ok? xoxo


	64. the boy, talking through, triggering himself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We get a tiny lil looksee into Jaemin's past experiences w friends being abused. Jaemin then tries to talk himself through things on his own when he's spiraling a little bit, and while trying to feel his emotions, he accidently triggers a memory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello my stars! i hope y'all like this chappy ok. I didn't intend it to go how it did, but that seems to happen a lot. The story kinda takes turns i wasn't expecting, which is kinda fun cuz even i dunno what's gonna happen.
> 
> TW: there's a memory with his father yelling and un-consensually touching Jaemin. It's not sexual, but if this is anyhow triggering, please skip.
> 
> unedited. i'll try and update tomorrow if u wanna wait. my heads a lil loopy today. i didn't get my meds this morning :<

Once there was a boy. Jaemin met him during a hospital stay. The boy had a rough voice in the mornings and a bit of an intimidating aura. He told Jaemin his chalk drawings were sick.

Jaemin sat with him and two girls during free time outside. One time, the boy had a therapy appointment, and the girls talked about him while he was gone. Before the hospital, the boy had ordered a fuck-ton of heroin and was gonna overdose but got intercepted _some_ how. Jaemin didn’t ask.

The boy talked about how his dad used to beat him but now his dad fought him, ‘cause now the boy was fighting back.

The boy talked about how he was going to rehab after this for two years.

Jaemin couldn’t save him. It wasn’t his responsibility, but why didn’t anyone do anything? Why didn’t any of the adults step in? Why didn’t the nurses mention something? Why didn’t he go to the police? Why did no one help him?

Jaemin didn’t know.

-

Renjun and Jeno were asleep in bed, where Jaemin probably should be. Where he would’ve been had his mind not spiraled slightly.

Jaemin was worried.

He was worried about a lot of things.

But right now, he was worried that the world would be better off without a Jaemin Na in it. His medications costed money. It took money to keep him alive.

_Money is a pile of bull. Don’t value stupid money over a human life._

Jaemin looked over at Petal. “No matter how stupid money is, people are working, and I’m not, and that’s not fair,” he said.

_What did you say to Junnie when he dropped out of school? When he wasn’t making money or learning to make money? When he compared his worth to a pile of dollars?_

“I said it was stupid. I didn’t care if he never earned a cent. ‘Cause he brought so much more to the world than money ever could. But I’m not special like him.”

Petal was quiet for a moment. Thinking. _What about Renjun is special?_

Jaemin sighed out. “Oh, he’s a beautiful person, Petal. He’s a fucking beautiful person with passion and passion is so fucking cool. His art is so cool, and he’s so fucking smart, and he talks about aliens all the time and I don’t know what the hell he’s going on about ‘cause he’s _insane_ , dude. And his hands are the most precious thing in the entire universe, and I just want to keep him in my pocket forever, just a mini junnie.”

_What about Jaemin is special?_

“…” Jaemin looked away, back out the window. The sky was a dark grey almost-black and cloudy.

_Just romanticize him for a minute, okay? I want to try something._

“Jaemin is…a boy. Who…likes cute things and feels a little too much that he accidently broke and went numb. He tries very hard to keep other’s happy, which is a likable trait to have. He doesn’t have a passion, but he likes to draw and he likes to write, and…” Jaemin trailed off.

_You’re doing good. Keep going?_

“He likes talking about meaningful things, but he doesn’t know how to start the conversation, and he likes talking about surface things, because…he’s learning there is value in simple hellos and how are yous. He’s a boy that’s very loved by two people, and those two people must see something that he can’t see yet, because they’re not stupid in the slightest. There’s some worth in him that he just can’t see yet.”

_But it’s there._

“But it’s there.”

Jaemin ran his finger along the window frame. “I don’t wanna get up tomorrow,” he whispered. “I know I’m supposed to work on accepting it, but…it’s hard to remember why sometimes. I need something for tomorrow.”

_Okay nana. Okay. Let’s think together. Was there a happy moment recently?_

“um…I dunno.”

_Something that made you laugh?_

“Like, one dumb meme, I guess? The pictures of idols with fake snapchat captions? They’re so stupid, but they’re so fucking funny to me.”

_You can look at those memes then, in the morning. You know they’ll give you at least a little laugh._

“But I want something…something bigger. Something meaningful,” Jaemin said. “Something beautiful. I just want the world to be pretty. It’s so ugly, Petal. God, it’s so repetitive and lame and blank.”

_Hm. We have to work with what we have, right? Hm. Nana, why don’t you try exercising your emotions? Mourn for the blankness and hope for something better. Complain about the boredom and complain about the emptiness and complain and cry and kick until you’re all worn out, and then let’s see…what happens?_

“…Okay.

“This sucks. It sucks so bad and I wish I could roll with the punches, but I can’t. I wish I could be stronger; I wish I could be better; I wish I wasn’t a manipulative piece of shit, I wish that my fucking thighs weren’t so big. I wish this depression would go away forever because I’m tired of this all. Of the days lasting forever, of wasting time, of complaining when I could be living, only I can’t because my head is sick.”

Jaemin pretended that he could feel. He pretended and prodded at the little box of emotions in his brain with a stick from ten feet away. He closed his eyes, sat up straight, and hoped to god that if this worked, he wouldn’t be a vocal crier.

Young and fragile. Lonely and in need of guidance. Jaemin wanted to slam the back of his head against a wall because this wasn’t. Working. Why did nothing work?

Jaemin let out a little whine as he pulled his feet up and wrapped his arms around his legs. This wasn’t working. He didn’t know how to feel emotions. How to let go. Dissolve the gate. Or maybe he had to burst it by force. Fill it to the box to the brim and more, until it exploded.

That was an idea. But what to trigger the emotions?

What made him happy? Thinking about pandas. They were so cute and cuddly and fuzzy, and…happiness wasn’t enough.

What made him upset? Thinking about his mom. How she killed herself before he could try and mend something between them. Try and heal. It was too late. He’d be forever broken, that little piece of him.

It wasn’t enough. What made him fucking _angry_? Thinking about his father. How he threw money at the doctors and the therapists and dropped him. They both just dropped him at the ground at the ripe age of 14. And…he didn’t hate his father enough anymore. He had to make him scary again.

When his dad yelled so fucking loud it sounded more like a bark than a human sound. When he was angry and unforgiving, and touched Jaemin and abused his strength, moving Jaemin how he pleased like he was a marionette doll. When he kicked Jaemin out of the house, telling him to pack his shit and go to his mom’s.

When he got angry ‘cause Jaemin went nonverbal _again_ , and he didn’t under _stand_ that Jaemin wasn’t being disrespectful. He wasn’t _ignoring_ him, he was shutting down and _scared_ and why the fuck did his father feel the right to do something that felt so _violating_? Being touched and manhandled in that state was horrible. Jaemin _ran_ to his mother’s because she’d never put her filthy hands on him. _Never_. Not when she knew how it felt to be too weak to fight back.

**“I’m sorry. I was an ass.”**

Jaemin put his head in his hands. Sorry wasn’t good enough. It didn’t take back what happened.

**“Oh, so you’re ignoring me now.”**

“No. I’m not. I’m not,” Jaemin choked out, shaking his head.

**“Sit up. Look me in the eyes like a man.”**

Jaemin _couldn’t._

**“Look. At. Me.”**

His father grabbed his chin and forced his head up. He took in Jaemin’s tears coldly.

**“Crying won’t get you anywhere. I’m not so easy to manipulate.**

**You triggered The Sergeant. Good luck now.”**

Jaemin jerked his head, trying to get him off, because it _hurt_ and the sergeant was squeezing too tight, and _please_ get off. Jaemin wasn’t fucking safe here, he was in danger, and this big man was hovering over him, and Jaemin dug his heels into the mattress, trying to get _away_ , and the sergeant tilted his head blankly, as if Jaemin were something _small_ and _meaningless_.

He let go, and Jaemin’s head hit the wall with how hard he was pulling back, and by this point, all his thoughts were gone. Jaemin tried to curl into a tiny ball.

**“Sit up. Don’t play this…weak thing. The Sergeant won’t be tricked.”**

The sergeant grabbed Jaemin’s limbs and forced them apart, and Jaemin couldn’t control the whimpers that were ripped out of him. He was gonna get hurt. Jaemin wasn’t safe, and this monster was going to hurt him. He was going to _kill_ him.

“ _Nana_.”

Jaemin sobbed as his limbs were forced to do as the sergeant wanted. Pried open and vulnerable.

“Nana, please, baby.”

A cold hand touched Jaemin’s neck and he flinched away, caging his throat with his two hands.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I won’t do it again. I promise.”

Jaemin couldn’t see. Didn’t _want_ to see. He clenched his puffy eyes closed.

“Can you breathe, honey? Just try? It’ll help you feel better.”

Jaemin didn’t _want_ to do anything the sergeant told him to do. But. That wasn’t the sergeant’s voice. Did someone save him? Jaemin cracked an eye open and Jeno and Renjun. They saved him. They would keep Jaemin safe. Jaemin crawled the distance across the floor to be behind them for when the sergeant came back. He trembled as he cried, scared for when he came back.

“We’re here, Nana. Nothing’s gonna hurt you. Just breathe? Please?”

“You’re safe, just breathe. In and out.”

Jaemin tried to take a breath in, one shuddering breath.

“Okay, good. Now can you breathe it out?”

Jaemin breathed out, sharply gasping as another sob bubbled up.

“It’s okay. In?”

Jaemin breathed in again.

“It’s okay, Nana. We’re here. You’re gonna be okay.”

“Yes. Good. Out?”

Jaemin breathed out.

They kept instructing him how to breathe until Jaemin could again on his own, only an occasional hiccup interrupting deep, even breathing. He opened his eyes.

“Hi there,” Renjun said gently.

Jeno gave Jaemin a sad smile. “Are you with us?”

Jaemin couldn’t talk. Oh, no. Were they going to get mad? No, no that wouldn’t make sense. They wouldn’t get mad, and if they did, they’d never hurt him. Never make him feel unsafe.

“Should I get paper? Can you write?”

Jaemin couldn’t get the words out. His throat wasn’t responding.

“Okay. Can you tap your fingers? Once for no and twice for yes?” Jeno asked. “We just want to be able to communicate with you. Can you? Or no? It’s okay if you can’t.”

They waited as Jaemin internally fought with himself, trying to force _something_ to happen.

“We’re not leaving. We’ll stay as long as it takes.”

“It’s okay. Take your time.”

Jaemin glanced around the room blankly and remembered he was home. With his boys. And that his dad was buttfuck miles away. He was safe here. Jaemin tapped the ground two times. He saw them sigh in relief as he let them know he was with them.

“Nana, no touching, right? No touching?” Renjun asked.

Two taps.

Renjun nodded. “Okay. No touching.”

“Do you want some water?” Jeno asked, already getting up. “You dehydrated yourself quite a bit.”

…Two taps.

Renjun stayed while Jeno pattered off to the kitchen. “That was scary, wasn’t it?” Renjun said.

Two taps.

“I’m sorry you had to go through that. It’s over. You can rest now. I’m sure you’re tired? Are you?”

Two taps.

“Are you gonna sleep with us or do you want to use the guest room? Um. Shit. Wait. Do you wanna sleep with us?” Renjun asked, eyes gentle. They had worked out a well enough system by now to know what to do. When Jaemin couldn’t bear to be touched, he could sleep in the guest bed.

…One tap.

“Okay.”

Jeno’s soft footsteps could be heard as he came back, two full glasses in his hands. He set them down in front of Jaemin and then sat back down next to Renjun. Jaemin drank the water gratefully. He _was_ rather tired. Perhaps it was time for bed. He tapped on the floor a few times to get their attention.

“Do you need something?” Renjun asked intently. “Food? Water? Bed?”

Two taps.

“Bedtime?”

Two taps.

“Okay. We’ll head off too. Holler if you need anything, okay?”

Two taps.

They all got up, and they walked together down the hallway until they got to their respective rooms. Jaemin fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi y'all. i'll try not to go on for TOO long, but have u guys seen gimme gimme? consider me deceased.
> 
> take care of yourself the best u can, ok? i hope something special happens in your day today or that you get good sleep. or both! love you a whooole bunch, ok? ty for sticking w the story. it means a lot to me. okk bye! xoxo


	65. recording, eating, HW: remembering, bonding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaemin hasn't thrown up in a while, but food is still an issue. He does some therapy homework, and then the boys paint their nails. :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bexca honey, are you ok? I’m sorry to do this kinda publicly, but your twitter deleted. Sorry :( I might be freaking out over nothing, but umm <:( if you’re there and ok, I miss u & I hope your studying is going ok.

“Recording 17. Yesterday was a good day. I drew a little, had a productive therapy session, sang for the first time in a while. I went for a long while, too. Like two hours. I left my switch at Jisung’s house, so Renjun’s gonna pick it up after work. My um. My streak is gonna be messed up on animal crossing, ‘cuz I missed a day, but it’s okay. Shouldn’t be fucking me up as much as it is. My feelings _are_ valid, but it’s okay, is all. ‘Cuz I can build a streak again. Speaking of streaks, my sister isn’t snapping me back. I’m worried it’s ‘cuz I said she was in my wet dream as a joke. I make incesty jokes a lot, and it’s fine, but maybe I crossed a line this time? My mom asked me deadass if I was into my sister once ‘cuz of them. Isn’t that a little uncomfy? Anyways, I’m gonna sign off for today before this gets too long. Bye.”

-

So, Jaemin did an oopsie. He’d been drinking orange juice instead of water all day. Which was then, what, three glasses? Before he realized that: orange juice has calories. It must’ve slipped his mind since it was a beverage and not solid food, and now, he had to add 330 calories to his list of an earlier donut _and_ an egg and cheese wrap. He’d been getting back into his diet after a failed attempt at stopping it, and it wasn’t like he could skip dinner. Unless…they wouldn’t be suspicious if he skipped one night, right?

His therapist had given him another great tip to _plan_ when he would eat and what he would eat for later, to prevent binging. And Jaemin had already fucked that up today with the donut. He had to skip dinner then. It was that simple. No need to cry over spilled milk. It would be okay. Jaemin was used to dinner, but it would be fine. He wouldn’t eat it, as long as he remembered his goal. Even if they offered, Jaemin would refuse. He just had to remember. It was fine. It was fine.

Update: Jaemin ate dinner. Fuck.

Update part two: and also two and a half more donuts. _Fuck_.

-

“Stop rocking.”

Jaemin stilled. It was lunch time. For lunch was the nasty healthy bread with melted cheese on top and sauce to dip in. Only, Jaemin hated melted cheese, so he had bread and sauce.

There had been a strained silence for the past few minutes. Jaemin and his little sister had gotten in trouble for fighting. Jaemin didn’t get the last word though. He was in the _right._ She _had_ to acknowledge it, so he kicked her under the table.

“Mom! Jaemin kicked me under the table.”

His mother rubbed her forehead roughly. “ _Jaemin_.”

“But she was the one that started it! She said-”

“I don’t _care_. Apologize to her.”

Jaemin glared at his sister. “Sorry,” he sneered.

“That didn’t sound very sincere.”

“I said sorry!”

His mother slammed the table loudly. Jaemin’s heart jumped in his chest. “And I said it didn’t sound very sincere!”

“Sorry.”

“ **Jaemin**.”

Jaemin felt an ugly bubble of hate bubble up in his chest. “I’m sorry, sister.”

They ate in silence for a little longer.

“Why aren’t you eating?” his mom asked, addressing his littlest sister.

“I’m don’t want to eat this.”

Jaemin stiffened. Didn’t she _know_ to just shut up and eat? Was she stupid?

But of course, mom didn’t get mad at her. She was the favorite. She got mad at the rest of them instead. “You have to eat it. You can have half if you want.”

That wasn’t fair. But it was quiet, and mom was already annoyed, so Jaemin forced himself to relax. He dipped his gross bread into the gross sauce and ate it.

“ **Jaemin, what did I say about rocking**?”

Oh, no. He didn’t _mean_ to. He stopped, but it was too late.

His mom got up and flung the spoon she was holding at the sink with a loud bang. Jaemin braced himself as it missed, which only made her angrier. She let out a yell, and stomped over to go pick it up, throwing it into the sink. And then she picked it up and threw it. Again. And again. And again.

She let out a wordless scream, and then the door was slamming behind her as she went to her room, and the children sat in silence as the house shook.

They could hear the jumping that she did, and the banging on the walls, and the screaming.

Jaemin ignored the dirty looks his sisters gave him for making her mad, and finished eating quietly, drinking the last of his milk, and leaving the table. He stopped in his room quickly to grab a book, and then went back out to the living room. And then Jaemin sat down on the couch to read and leave this shitty place for a while.

Jaemin wrinkled his nose at the page full of memories in front of him. Well, he just seemed like a spoiled brat. An unusually angry child. Jaemin crumpled the page and rewrote it, adding in a few well-placed hits and insults to spice things up a little. If his therapist saw that first sheet, she’d laugh in his face. He wanted pity. He wanted her to feel sorry for him. He wanted a climactic story that fit to his shitty feelings. ‘Cause just ‘cause something felt traumatic didn’t make it trauma.

-

“Ugh, they’re all messed up now.” Jaemin looked down mournfully at his nails.

“I told you they weren’t dry yet.”

Jaemin pouted. “Can you do them again? Pretty please?” he asked.

“Do it yourself,” Renjun said grumpily, from where he was packing the polishes back in the container. He tossed Jaemin the pink.

“But you’re so good at making it pretty,” Jaemin complained. He walked over and sat back next to Renjun on the couch, leaning on top of Renjun.

“You’re just too impatient. It wouldn’t all smear together if you waited longer.”

“But I like when you do it. It’s like asmr in real life,” Jaemin said. He dangled the bottle of pink in front of Renjun’s face until he grabbed it, giving in.

“I still don’t know how you watch that shit,” Renjun said.

“Yeah, ‘cuz it takes taste to enjoy,” Jeno said from the beanbag he was sitting on.

Renjun glared at him. “Okay, gimme your hand,” he said to Jaemin.

Jaemin obediently stuck out a hand, and Renjun tutted, pulling out the nail polish remover. “I’m gonna just start over, okay? See, it’s all lumpy and smeared together. Why did you think it’d be a good idea to wash your hands?”

“They felt dirty.”

“Hm.”

Jaemin watched in delight as Renjun tipped the bottle of nail polish remover upside down, wetting the cotton ball he held to the mouth of it. He took Jaemin’s hand into his small one and carefully started wiping the nail polish off with the wet cotton ball. He went through every finger. Next, Renjun got the pink nail polish and delicately brushed paint onto each nail.

“Okay, now your other hand?”

Renjun went through the same steps on Jaemin’s right hand. When he was finished, Renjun raised Jaemin’s hand to leave a quick loving peck on the back of it.

“Ew, that was cheesy.”

“Nobody asked you, Jeno,” Renjun said, turning to glare at him.

“If you were jealous, you could’ve just said so, nono.” Jaemin grinned as Jeno slumped into the beanbag, a blush dusting his cheeks.

“I’m not jealous,” Jeno said.

Renjun raised an eyebrow. “Are you? C’mere. You can get hand kisses too.”

Jeno tongued his cheek, giving both of them the stink eye, before he got up and sat on Renjun’s other side. Renjun’s lips quirked up.

“Paw,” he said, holding out a hand face up. Jeno put his hand on top of Renjun’s, and Renjun pressed a little kiss to the back of his hand, too. “Happy now?”

Jeno nodded.

Renjun ruffled his hair. “Good boy. Now.” He clapped his hands together. “Let’s do the second coat.” Renjun switched the pink for a reddish-purple and put a layer of that on top of the pink, leaving the pink as a border on the bottom and sides of the nail. “Do you wanna redo the original thing?” he asked Jaemin.

Jaemin nodded. “yea, it was pretty.”

The look ended up with a little dot of tan in the center with sparkles on top of the little circle.

“Thank you junnie. It’s just as pretty as before,” Jaemin said, hugging Renjun happily.

“Yeah, yeah. Just let it dry long enough this time, okay? I still have to do Jeno’s.”

“Wha?! I never agreed to this!”

“Aw, but don’t you wanna be all matching?” Renjun said.

“No?”

“Look, we can do black and you can be all badass.”

“No.”

“C’mon, puppy,” Jaemin said, jumping on to bullying Jeno into painting his nails. “What if we do your favorite color?”

“No!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like the word cotton ball.  
> Do you guys have favorite words? Also, would you prefer a regular uploading schedule? I could do like once or twice a week. Or is this fun? Never knowing when I’ll pop in?  
> Stay safe darlings~


	66. nighttime, love, bullying, foggy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> okk let's see. Jaemin has a midnight convo w Jeno abt the ability to have nice things. And also, Renjun AND Jeno gets bullied :'D I'm so sorry honeybuns.

“ngh?”

“Go back to sleep, honey.”

Jaemin sat up sleepily, rubbing his eyes. “What’s happening?”

“I’m just getting up to use the bathroom,” Jeno said, laughing a little.

“’m cold. Come back.”

“Cuddle junnie while I’m gone. I’ll be right back.” Jeno patted Jaemin’s hair, tugging gently on the strands as he pulled his hand away. Jaemin leaned into the touch, chasing Jeno’s hand as it left.

“mm”

“I’ll be right back. Promise.”

Jaemin sighed. “Ok.”

“Lay back down, ok? You can sleep.”

“ok.” Jaemin plopped back down into the soft pillow, reaching for Renjun. “mm, Renj’n…” he wrapped around Renjun, latching on like a koala. Burying his head in Renjun’s hair, he breathed slowly, fighting sleep until Jeno came back.

Jaemin hummed quietly to himself, in an odd state of softly awake. Renjun was warm. The blankets were warm. Outside was cold, most likely. Very cold. But inside was only warmth and soft browns and the sweet but tart smell of Renjun’s apple flavored shampoo.

He listened for Jeno’s footsteps and a part of his mind relaxed when he heard them. Jeno climbed into bed, the bed creaking quietly.

“Jenoo.”

“You’re still awake?” Jeno whispered quietly, sliding into place behind Jaemin. Jeno nosed at Jaemin’s neck, weaving an arm under Jaemin’s to wrap around his middle. “Go to sleep now, okay? I’m back.”

“’Kay.” Jeno shifted again to get more comfortable, and Jaemin shivered as a breeze of cold air tiptoed its way under the blanket. “…Nono, is it dumb to have hope in love?” Jaemin asked tiredly.

“Of course not. Love is…love is beautifully real and raw and here. Can you feel it, Jaemin?” Jeno said. “Can’t you feel our love?”

“Yea. You love me so well. Jus’…feels like it’s all gonna slip ‘way sometimes. Doesn’t feel real sometimes. Not a solid…thing.”

“Can I do anything to help it be more solid?”

Jaemin tried to think, despite his head being filled by clouds. Or little cute cotton balls. Jaemin’s head was a giant cotton swab. “No, it’s um…not something…you’re doing or not doing. Jus’ weird believing such a…gross world can have such um. Nice things.”

Jeno hummed in agreement. “yea. I try and remind myself that however gross stuff is, there’s nice stuff. ‘Cause there’s gotta be that balance. It’s just like. Nature. Equilibrium.”

“That’s a fancy word.”

Jeno snuggled closer. “Yea. There’s terrible, right? You know some of that terrible very well.”

“mhm”

“It only makes sense that there’s the other extreme.”

“That makes sense.” Jaemin yawned. His limbs were heavy. He could hear his heart beating. It was loud, but slow. “My therapist said that…extremes aren’t great though. That we should strive for…um. Shit. What’s the word? Um. D-dialectical? Finding balance.”

“Mm. Then maybe, like, the opposite of terrible would be absolute euphoria, and like, that’s not this, right? Maybe this is the middle, ‘cause it’s kind of calm, y’know? It’s not too much or too little.”

“hm. That makes sense.”

“It does? You’re good to sleep now?”

“mhm.”

“Ok. G’night Jaemin.”

“G’night.”

-

For as long as he can remember, Renjun was a weakling. Frail limbs from days of painting indoors instead of running around with the other kids. Sensitive to a fault, and quick to upset. The bigger boys liked to play with Renjun. They’d laugh at him and rile him up until Renjun’s little self-control cracked, and he screamed and yelled and kicked, and the boys would just laugh before they shoved him into the dirt, face down. Renjun hated those boys.

He dreamed of being the one in power. His daydreams were dark and twisted, full of sharp edges and blood. Renjun hated the boys. He felt power as he made them suffer inside his brain. And that was enough. Because Renjun _hated_ them, but he knew, he knew, he knew, that he was _weak_. Too weak to do anything about it. And he felt powerless, and he hated it.

The hate boiled under his skin. Renjun let it curl around him, attracting all the negative energy like a human magnet.

Renjun once was weak, but he trained. He trained, and bulked up, until one day, he felt ready to punch back.

Renjun learned that if he instigated, if he proved his strength, he could scare the other kids. They wouldn’t have power over him anymore. He was a bully. It was the only way to protect himself. He only targeted the ones who bullied him, but Renjun found power in the way he could beat that kid to a pulp. For _him_ to be the one in control.

So, they moved on to the next target. Renjun didn’t care. He wasn’t supposed to care. He had himself to take care of.

But then he met Jeno.

Jeno was quiet. Too quiet. Never said a word in class. He had a killer resting bitch face, but once he got called on, he was a stuttering mess. A target. It’s like there was a big red target on his face. He was honestly just asking to get bullied. It was whatever.

And then Renjun found Jeno huddled under the shirts rack at his job.

And it was so _stupid_ , but Renjun found himself paying a little more attention to the kid in class. He wasn’t _worried_. For god’s sake, what would give you that idea? He was simply curious. And so he saw when the other kids would bump him in the hallway and laugh amongst themselves, pointing and staring at the ‘freak’.

Jeno would glare at them, and they’d turn around, and everything was fine. He was just a classmate.

Until he wasn’t. During the group project, they grew closer. Meeting up at the library turned into walking over to the café for food ‘cause Renjun got hungry, and Renjun ordering for both of them, and eventually they just kept meeting there, despite the project being over. The quiet company was kind of…nice. When Renjun was in a talkative mood, Jeno listened. And sometimes Jeno got excited about something and spoke in. Renjun was growing rather fond of this Jeno kid.

Renjun forgot his phone is his gym locker. He groaned, turning around from the school entrance, and heading back into the hallways. He opened the door and entered the lockers, not minding the obnoxious football players, shoving his way through.

He went past the aisles all the way to the back, where his locker was. There was commotion in the corner. Probably some stupid jocks whipping each other with towels.

“Fucking mute.”

Or not.

“Hey. I’m talking to you.” Renjun look over to see Jeno cornered by some of their classmates. He was on the ground, holding his nose. Renjun went _livid_.

The hate boiled under his skin. Renjun let it curl around him, attracting all the negative energy like a human magnet. He stalked up to the group and grabbed one kid by the shoulder, whipping him around. Renjun couldn’t breathe.

“Whoa, ok, chill. This got nothing to do with you,” the faceless boy said. What was his name? John? Jack? None of the above? Didn’t matter. Renjun shoved him into the locker behind him, clutching onto his collar with a murderous expression.

“Get your filthy fucking hands off of him. You, and everybody else, can go-” Renjun broke off. He forgot how to breathe. He choked, and the kids laughed, and Renjun punched whats-his-name in the face. His head collided with the metal locker, and he slid down, moaning about the sudden pain in his jaw. That was going to be the least of his fucking problems. Renjun kicked him in the gut, and he doubled over.

Renjun’s vision was hazy. His ears were ringing. There was somebody pulling him back, and Renjun fought against them, snarling. He whipped around and shoved the other guy off of himself, before shoving him again, this time to _hurt_. The kid fell backward and landed on the ground with a violent thud.

Distraction taken care of, Renjun turned back around to the stupid fucking kid that decided he had the balls to talk back to him. “Don’t ever,” thud “ever,” thud “ever _touch_ him again! Don’t look at him,” thud “Don’t speak to him-”

“Junnie.”

Suddenly Jeno was there in front of the boy, teary eyes and trembling hands. “Stop. You’re gonna fucking kill him.”

Renjun looked down at the bleeding mess that was the boy. He looked around. Everyone else had scattered. Gone. That wasn’t good. He needed to make sure that _all_ of them would never touch Jeno agai-

“Renjun. Breathe before you pass out.”

Renjun collapsed onto one of the benches. “Where’d they go? I need to-”

“They left. It’s ok now,” Jeno said. He crossed his arms over his chest, seemingly forgetting about the drying blood all over his hands. “You didn’t have to do that, y’know. I mean, thank you, but it really was unnecessary.”

“yea, it really looked like you were handling it,” Renjun said with a scoff. “how’s your nose?”

“It’s fine.”

They sat in a tense silence for a while.

“I’m gonna go get a nurse,” Jeno finally breathed out. “You really did a number on him.” Renjun looked over to the unconscious boy.

“…Ok.” Jeno was too kind. They could’ve just left him. When the nurse came, he asked what the hell happened, and Jeno started to lie, but Renjun cut him off, owning up to it. He got sent to the principal’s office, and got a huge lecture, and they said he was suspended for a week. No suspension would ever make him regret what he did.

As Renjun was making his way back to the entrance, Jeno caught up behind him, having waited. “Hey. Um. I owe you. Anything. Just like, can you make it soon? I don’t like being in debt.”

“You don’t owe me shit.”

Jeno shook his head. “No, you do, because-”

Renjun rolled his eyes and started walking again. Jeno scuttled forward to match his pace. “Ok, fine. Pay for me next time we go out.”

“That’s not…”

“I don’t care. You don’t owe me anything. You owe _yourself_ an apology for letting those assholes get all over you.”

“What am I supposed to do? I can’t fight back or anything,” Jeno said tiredly.

“Why not?”

“I can’t even order my own food. I can’t talk back to them. I freeze. It just happens.”

“Well, I’ll just have to protect you then,” Renjun said.

Jeno stopped walking. “Why do you even care?” he asked. “We’ve been talking for like, a month.”

Renjun shrugged. “’cause we’re friends.”

“…really? You wanna be friends with me?” Jeno asked. He tugged on the straps of his backpack nervously. “Why?”

“I dunno. I just do.”

Jeno scowled. “That’s not a reason.”

“Okaay. You’re good company. And a good person. Just fluffy and nice and loyal. Like a little puppy.” Renjun turned around and started walking again. “Anyways, I’m this way, so I’ll see you later.”

Jeno blinked, before the words caught up to him. “Did you just call me a dog?!”

Renjun grinned over his shoulder. “It’s a compliment!”

“…ok. Bye.”

-

“Um, recording 18. It’s a foggy day. I slept bad last night, so it’s probably exhaustion acting up. I’m starting to notice that yea, many emotions and feelings have a reason that they’re there or have been triggered by something. Now that I’m on the right mood stabilizer, my mood swings are less random. I thought it’d be important to note, ‘cause all the therapists always ask what triggers my feelings, and I’d never had an answer. But now I do. Ok. That’s it really. The radical acceptance is doing ok. I haven’t had to practice it today. Ok. …um. Signing off.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can't wait for the summer to come and Jeno to get all buff and then go back to school. it's coming, my stars. I'm working on this little side story w them as teens cuz I'm weirdly attached to it now. Maybe I should move their teen years to a totally separate fic? jaemin isn't even in these scenes yet XD
> 
> anyway, if you're getting bullied, i'm so sorry. i don't have any advices; weirdly enough i never got bullied even tho i was the quiet, weird one. i thought it was just cuz my school is like, super pretentious, but then my sister got bullied there :( i just needed renjun to show his anger, and I don't want him hurting the boys or like his grandma or anything. anger issues are not limited to people u hate, but i dunno. this is a work of fiction. I've never had any ~violent happenings~ cuz i took it out on myself, so i don't have much knowledge on when you lose control and not.
> 
> anyway, i'm rambling. I hope this chapter was okay. i'm really not sure about it. lemme know if it was trash? i only want the best for you to read uwu. ok bye~


	67. I hate myself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaemin goes on a tangent and learns something new about himself :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm writing this from my phone. I killed my computer ;-; hopefully it just crashed cuz Ive been putting off an update. My phones abt to die so I gotta edit speedy fast oh gosh

When the pen hit paper, it was always a surprise seeing what Jaemin would create. Sometimes he furiously scribbled, tearing the paper and digging into the wood of his desk. Sometimes he wrote completely unfiltered thoughts, just writing whatever came to mind. Like today.

_I should've been taken out by natural selection. Im weak. Theres way tougher people out there. I should have been taken out. My life goes against the laws of nature. It's unnatural._

_There's kids that're strong. Kids that deserve this spot. We're all about not fucking murdering people, but your life is only truly valued when you have money. Theres kids fighting for their lives in the system. Stuck in shitty homes. Kids with no money and no future. It's not fair. I should not have been given this opportunity. I do nothing. Theres kids out there that have passion, and light, and a heart that's not stone cold. I'm sitting here doing absolutely nothing. I shouldn't be the one sitting here._

_The wrong fucking egg got fertilized, and I wish my parents had abandoned me in the streets. I'm not kidding. I wish they had traded me for anyone else in an orphanage. I wish jeno and renjun dumped me. I shouldn't be here. Someone worthy. Someone random. Picked by lottery so it's fair. It's not fair. Some people are worthy and they're suffering instead of living with money and a decent homelife._

_It's too late to trade kids but it's not too fucking late to dump me. I should give my money to a random kid. All of it. No. Wait. I should give it to jeno and renjunnie. Pay them back for everything. It's only fair. Nobody would notice if I just went homeless and died from starvation. I will have paid my debt back to the world._

_I should leave. Someone worthy should be here. I'm not worth anything. I fucking hate myself. I'm so cruel to myself. I'm being unnecessarily cruel. I'm so cruel to my inner child. Theres a kid suffering deep inside because of me, and I hate them. I hate them so much. I hate them. I hate them. I hate them. I hate them I hate them I hatethemihatethemihatethe-_

"Nana, oh, why are you crying?"

"Jaemin? Honeybee?"

Jaemin didn't dare look up. He had no idea. Truly. He had numbed his feelings so fucking well that he never noticed that he _despised_ himself. That he had already given up on himself. "I...thought that I knew that I was recovering," Jaemin said quietly.

"You are, baby. You're feeling so much better than before. Don't you remember?" Jeno asked.

Jaemin nodded. Even when he was better, he still wouldn't be worth anything. That was the key. That was the truth. It was already over.

"Can we touch you?" Renjun whispered, oh so gently.

Please. "No I...no thank you." He didn't deserve it.

Jaemin saw everything in a new light now. He finally understood why everything was so awful.

He wasn't supposed to be here in the first place.

There was no recovery. He was trying the wrong thing. He was supposed to be the kid being thrown in the trash. It wasn't fair, but jaemin could make it fair. A life for a life. He'd give his mom's savings to a random kid at the orphanage. His boys didn't give two shits about money. What about them though?

Jaemin spun lazily around in his chair to look at the boys in question.

They both sat on the bed, hand in hand. "Baby?" They looked good together. "Snowflake, do you wanna talk about it?"

Jaemin shook his head and gave them a little smile. They had each other. It didn't matter what they felt, because in the end, Jaemin was doing his deed for the world. Setting things right.

Now the question was, how did he disappear? Maybe he'd continue the family tradition. Hang himself by a noose. That would work.

"You're doing that thing," renjun said. "Where you look absolutely blissful in a terrible situation. Talk to us. Please," he begged. "Nana, we can help. We can listen. We can get you the help you need. Anything you need."

"I'm fine now."

"Yea, we see that. You're all blank again," Jeno said. "Let yourself feel it. Please."

Jaemin sighed. "It just causes more pain for everyone if I do that."

"Pain isn't a bad thing," jeno said. "Its shitty, but it's not wrong. Youre not wrong to have feelings, nana."

Jaemins lip quivered.

"Is that it, gummy bear? You feel like it's wrong?"

Jaemin tapped twice on his thigh. Yes.

Renjun cooed sadly. "Nana. My precious snowflake. What can we do to help you truly believe? That your feelings aren't wrong. You're so valid, you know that, right? You're so good. Yknow why you're valid?"

One tap.

"Because every single fucking persons’ feelings are valid. Your mom's, a mass murderer's, everyone’s. Things they do with their feelings can be unforgivable, but it's not the feelings themselves that were, y'know, not ok."

Jeno nodded. "And if you're worried about your possible actions for when you feel, let's think of what's the worst thing opening yourself up can lead you to do."

Jaemin scrambled for some paper in his drawer. _Cry a lot._

Jeno looked so sad at his answer.

Jaemin crumpled the paper in his hands.

"What'd you do that for, baby?" Renjun asked gently. "You need it to communicate with us. There’s no need to get ashamed or upset over your responses, ok?"

Jaemin nodded and ducked his head, straightening back out the paper.

"So the worst you'll do is cry a lot? Let’s think about how this would affect everything," jeno said, continuing. "You would feel more, which would bring more pain and also joy. And we would be happier knowing you're healthier, yea, it's kind of looked down upon for crying in public, but you can use your numbing skill for then, and turn it on and off."

_But it's annoying_

"Its not annoying to me, love."

Jaemin scowled. _How do you know? You don't know what it's like being around a giant baby all the time. Parents get sick of it. You'll get sick of it. You'll get sick of me._

Renjun tilted his head. "How do you know we'll get sick of you? The last time I remember, I was the one with the ability to see the future."

Jaemin huffed, annoyed. You're not funny.

Renjun lifted an eyebrow. "You wound me. At least I'm funnier than jeno," he said.

Jeno poked Renjun's stomach in retaliation. Renjun squirmed away, before looking back at Jaemin, getting serious again. "Um, but really, how do you know that we'll get sick of you?"

_It's happened before._

Silence.

Jaemin stared at one of the creases in the paper he was holding.

"I-I don't wanna pry if you don't want us to, but if you're comfortable answering, who was it?"

_I dunno. My mom maybe. Society as a whole. Brainwashed government-controlled society. But she was the one that taught me I guess._

"I fucking hate your mom."

Jeno kicked renjun. "Have you no tact whatsoever? She just died, oh my god," jeno hissed.

"Oh. Um. Sorry. I'm sorry nana."

_It's fine._

_Sometimes I hate her too._

"...so she was the one that got sick of you?"

_And my family in general. And my old friends. I kinda stuck out._

"Why the fuck does the whole world suck actual dick?"

Jaemin cracked a smile.

"Lets just stay in this fucking apartment forever. We're sticking together, all us outcasts. 'Cuz we're the only ones that have a chance at freedom. The ones that couldn’t adapt. Only trust fucking hyuk, and chenle, and jisung and little kids. They’re basically children anyways."

"We stick together. Well make our own little world," jeno said. "Our own little rainbow."

"I promise you," renjun said fiercely. "I promise with my whole fucking being that I will always love you. When you cry, when you're loud and annoying, when you're sad. I will always appreciate and respect and love you."

Jeno nodded. "Always. You're not gonna get rid of us, nana. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. I'm sorry. Oh my gosh, I didn't mean to make you cry."

"Happy tears," Jaemin got out.

Jeno relaxed slightly. " ...Can I hug you? Or no?"

Jaemin nodded, and the boys pulled him off the chair and onto the bed, and they all piled together in a big hug. They squeezed jaemin tightly and peppered kisses over his whole face and whispered "I love you”s, and jaemin felt _loved_.

"Recording 20. I'm still feeling slightly shitty, but it was interesting being able to make myself cry. I wanna open up the floodgates more and god do I have stuff to tell my therapist. I'll update after I meet with her I guess. She'll know what to do. She's smart. So I'm signing off for now. Goodnight."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am a ~mess~. I promise I'll re edit this tomorrow okk so yea I will make it smoother hopefully. Ok. Posting before my phone actually shuts down. Bye :)


	68. lonely, affirmations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys work on convincing Jaemin he can talk to them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am baaack! It feels like I left for like a year. Well, I didn't exactly leave. Behind the scenes, I'm cropping and rewriting and editing, like bigger this time. I read an advice that said, "write what you want to read". And I realized editing through that a lot of the story is just boooring and not artful or poetic or pretty. In other words, I'm trying to rewrite it into something /I'd/ like to read. I didn't realize how much i hate the first like 40 chapters till now lol. Anyway, so it's under construction, so updates might be slower. Is that ok?  
> Anyway, I hope u enjoy!  
> OH YEA! And some of yalls comments got deleted, im so sorry. i'll try and be more mindful of what chapters i delete, but im so sorry for that :( i appreciate them still sm

2:45. Why was time so fucking stupid? “Ugh.” Jaemin fell backwards onto the bed so he was on his back and picked up his knitting needles again. Humming, he set back to work on his useless rectangle of fabric. Perhaps he should put in some time and learn how to make actual clothing pieces, but he was rather fond of the patches he started lying around the house. It was amusing to see everyone’s confusion when they asked what he made.

“Ahh, why is today so shitty? …Oh, gosh.” Jaemin sat up. “There’s a hole. Nooo. I fucked up. Well that’s a little embarrassing for me. Heh.” He poked his finger in the hole and wiggled it around. “hm. Well, it’s your fault, so whatever.

“ _My_ fault?” Jaemin said, switching sides. “My fault? How is it my fault? I wasn’t even here.

“Where were you the whole day anyway? You could’ve helped.

“I was sleeping.

“Sleeping? Really? That’s your excuse?” He went back to knitting, still blabbering to himself, not noticing Jeno watching worriedly from the door.

“He’s talking to himself again.”

“Shit,” Renjun said. He spared a glance at the napping Jaemin on the floor. “I know Petal helps him, but it’s…it’s not healthy, is it? _Is_ it?”

“Mm, he wasn’t even talking to Petal though. He was just talking to himself.”

“He said his imagination gets worse when he’s more depressed. I guess it makes sense.”

Jeno put his head in his hands. “Are we not doing enough? He didn’t come to me _once_ today, even though he was feeling worse. I thought he knew by now that he doesn’t _have_ to be alone. He’s so fucking lonely that he’s talking to himself.”

Renjun rubbed Jeno’s back. “I know, pup. I know. We’ll…we’ll just have to do better.”

Later that day, they were watching old spongebob episodes together. Renjun’s head was rested on Jaemin’s shoulder, spreading his warmth. Jaemin swore the heat travelled from his shoulder to warm his heart.

“Jaemin?”

“I’m here.”

Renjun smiled. It seemed that both of them picked that up and were using it. “How was your day cupcake?” Jeno and him shared a glance and Jeno wordlessly turned the volume down.

“Ahh, it was pretty good.”

…Seemed fake but ok. Renjun nodded along, accepting the lie. “What about it was good?”

Jaemin was at a loss with that one. He visibly blanked out, trying to think up something, real or fake. “Ahhh, I knitted. Yup.”

Renjun wasn’t sure how to go forward. It was just going like normal. He decided to try something new out. “You wanna free talk for awhile? We’re both done for the night.”

“It’d be lovely to hear your voice,” Jeno said, putting on his puppy eyes.

Jaemin couldn’t resist the puppy eyes. While he was uncomfortable, he wanted to make Jeno happy. “Ok. Um.” There was silence for about two minutes as Jaemin worked up the courage to speak. “…Can I draw while I talk?”

“yea, baby, of course.”

Jaemin nodded and got up and went to grab some paper.

When he came back, he sat down. He picked up the pen and started drawing an infinity flower. A mindless task.

“Ahh, well? There’s not much to say. I mean, that’s a lie, actually, but I can’t think of anything, so I’m just wingin’ this. Ahhhhh. I was writing earlier. Well, trying, but I’m a piece of trash at it. So it’s fun, but I’m really self-conscious when I write,” he broke off with an awkward laugh.

“Anyway, um, actually listening to me ramble is really boring. I am like, really boring, so. I dunno how uh, interesting this is. uuUuMm. ANyWaY, I really am buzzed out today. Like-oh my god wow this is so entertaining-um, like…like not energy-ized today. Aaaand that is a lil’ bit embarrassing for me ‘cuz now I gotta talk.” He paused, grimacing. “See what I mean?” Jaemin asked, turning to the boys.

“Nana, honey, I love hearing you talk. I dunno how to make you understand,” Jeno said sincerely. “We love you, y’know? Knowing you feel heard is really, like, important to us. I don’t care how boring you are. I will listen to you because _you deserve to be heard._ ”

“O-oh.” Jaemin sat in a stunned silence. His eyes were suspiciously wet.

“Y’know, snowflake? We’re happy when you’re happy, and it hurts knowing that you’re lonely and feel alone even though we’re right here. So, please know. That we really _are_ here for you and want to hear you and cuddle you and do lovey-dovey shit with and get through struggles _together_. That’s what a relationship means to me.”

Jaemin’s bottom lip quivered, eyes glossy. “Me too,” he said hoarsely.

Renjun smiled, gentle. Always gentle. “So let’s stay _together_ , ok? That means you take care of us, but please don’t forget that we take care of you,” he said, taking one of Jaemin’s hands into his.

Jaemin squeezed Renjun’s hand back. “Ok.”

“We’ll remind you as many times as you need, but you remind yourself, too, ok?” Jeno said. “I know you feel stupid putting up those affirmations to read, but I swear we won’t judge you. We won’t think any less of you. Will you say it with me? We do this together.”

“…We do this together,” Jaemin whispered.

“We’d love to have your everything.”

“You’d…love to have my everything.”

“Good,” Jeno said. “Will you put up those reminders?”

Jaemin nodded, wiping his eyes. “Ok.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> good evening my stars. how r u? i've missed you ;-; i gotta run back to editing, but i hope this lil chapter was fun to read ^^


End file.
